I have previously ranted about being single, about being independent, about being alone. None of which are perfect synonyms for the other, but they all are to be understood as solitary words. Though it is all too easy to guess which of those words denotes the most negative connotation...

As happy as I am mingling between men, I feel the waters may be muddying somewhat, and I may only just be able to muddle my way through the testosterone filled seas in which I have become stranded!

Love and lust are blurring into a single flame of desire, that is separate from the idyll future I have locked away in my heart. I am a very corporeal being, and prone to giving in to temptation... I have never been one to stray away from self-satisfaction. 

For some strange reason, guilt has begun to eat away at me, making me question my decisions.

Even my darling Mother has raised an eyebrow at my gallivanting around the Shire with one man after another, but how can I explain my antics without sounding slightly demented?

I enjoy the company of men. I miss the Gameskeeper, the Brewer, Armiger, the Court Jester, Harlequin and the Foreign Minister more than I ever realised, and they were everything I needed in close friendships. Trying to fuse a non-physical relationship with any gentleman these days is like trying to shod a horse with gold shoes. Near on impossible, and a completely silly concept.

But I refuse to give up on men as friends. Each of those men have kept in touch with me over the years, have listened to my problems as they have unburdened their lives on me. We have laughed and joked, shared tears and moments of great joy... Clearly, there are no others in the world quite like them

Similarly, my Ladies have never been matched in the friendship department, nor would I want that to change. But I do find it disheartening when the new men in my life are apt to getting emotionally attached or, the horror(!), crave a more physical relationship... Maybe there is a possibility I need to tone down my more flirtatious personality traits. But I had hoped, that flirting with men on an equal footing, by treating them all the same, they would then understand that not one of them was overtly special. I enjoy their company, their confidence, their ideas, but I don't want to be seen as a prize princess. I do not want to be fought over.

Should it really be this difficult to be seen as nothing more than a friend?



D.S. 

Of course the departure of the White Knight makes my decision a trifle easier, but there are many distractions in the Shire...

I am not one to sit idly, staring out of windows, pining for love that has not been lost, only postponed... Any longer. 

There are many an ardent suitor awaiting my fleeting attention, and it is not wrong to flirt slightly, and give them a glimpse of what they are missing... Is it?

My Ladies of the Shire would of course be appalled by my behaviour, though surely they are getting used to it by now! The Duke's sister is unbelievably one of the most sympathetic to my cause, she understands how much I must care for the Captain, how much I long to be with him and how I would never leave his side once we were reunited. However; the Captain and I have at least another six months of waiting to be in each other's arms. Something she can relate to.

Until then, as I search for an artiste worthy of my patronage, I shall enjoy the company of lords and ladies, of gentlemen and duchesses, of nonsensical suitors and their unsuccessful ploys to win my heart.

Indeed, I shall savour the coming winter's antics, for I fear they may possibly be my last as a 'spinster' - for want of a better word.

It is true though, that a strong, successful, attractive woman over a certain age has to have something wrong with her to still be single. It's never the attitude of men that she has been waiting (I shan't say 'saving herself') for the perfect man, rather than accepting a droll second-rate partner. Darlings, I have been single, by choice now for the best part of half a decade. I can assure you, there is nothing wrong with me.



D. S.

There is no longer a turmoil in my heart. The anguish I have suffered at my inability to make decisions has come to a rather curtailed end... Or at least a certain semblance of an almost decision has been made.

The White Knight returned somewhat fleetingly over the weekend, to shower me with champagne and kisses and secret trysts coupled with quilted feather bedspreads. Fortunately within the hurried haze of insistent intimacy, there were no lost words of love to fall upon deaf ears. Despite the White Knight's over eager anticipation, we were careful not to cross any emotional boundaries, something that I had feared could possibly occur during his return.

How silly of me to think that he could have actually fallen for me! (Though I do have to admit I am relieved to know I do not have to worry about his emotional well being.)

My heart needs to be guarded by the memory of the Captain. Where to begin on this age old adage that distance and love cannot last? True, there have been times when I have doubted my strength, or indeed his! But the Captain as provided me with the utmost faith in his love for me...

My darling dear, he who is closest to my heart, has written to say that he intends to journey the twelve thousand miles from the Antipodes to the Shire in search of my love!

I could barely believe the words on the page as I read and reread the commitment I had been longing to hear! Of course, the scandal and drama orientated sylph that I am, has since come to my senses... But just to know that the Captain is willing to make that sacrifice for me is enough.

However, deep in my heart of hearts, I know the Shire is not for him. It is too quiet, too tame and lacks the spirit of adventure that he craves (and is one of the reasons I fell in love with him). A visit, yes, I would love to have him here and introduce him to my wonderful Ladies, and Armiger. But our future is not in the Shire... The Antipodes calls my name just as much as the allure of the Captain's whisper, and I cannot ignore it's beckoning forever.

But as much as I love the Captain, I am going to have to reign in his fervour. For our future, however intangible it may well be, is certainly not founded in the Shire. 

Though, if and when the time comes, how will I ever have the heart to say goodbye to my family and friends here? I am off to see Belle and the Gameskeeper over the next few weeks and I can think of nothing more heartbreaking to think I may be guillotining them from my future!

Too many decisions to be made... And I barely leave the time to think about my position as patroness! But matters of the heart, hold more weight in my life than current artistic fancies, however droll and frivolous they may be. 

So to reiterate one of the few choices I have made; the Captain has my heart, but our future still lolls around like rust-coloured leaves playing a roundabout game of 'follow the leader' in autumnal winds... 



D. S. 

Life is never quite what you expect it to be... I can see the lives of my friends straightening out, their ambitions and goals unfolding in front of them, their paths lit with the love of their partners as the future they have chosen is sketched out before them in multi-coloured glory.

I on the other hand am dwindling in monochrome tones of yesteryear, waiting impatiently for the return of a lover, while pining for a nineteen year old half way across the world.

Of course I am referring to the dilemma I have between the White Knight and the Captain. If distance were not an issue then the Captain would be my only option, I love him. I need him by my side more than I care to admit. Of course I struggled with this notion after weeks of not hearing from him, but all he has to do is pick up a pen and write to me and I am once again weak at the knees.

The White Knight returns in just over a week. He too has travelled thousands of miles, but his deployment has many constraints that I could never suffer through willingly. He worships the ground I walk on, and I am never one to deny myself the attentions of a delightful suitor, and if I am being honest with myself, he is more than just a play thing. I do care about him deeply, but I know that I do not love him. He is not the Captain. How could he replace the Captain?

The entire thought is absurd.

My Ladies, as wonderful as they are, seem to have taken it upon themselves to find me an eligible suitor closer to home, one that fits their criteria and is seemingly desperate. I cannot deny the love I have for my friends, and I know they only mean the best for me, but to have at least three different couples try and locate the ideal candidate within their friendship groups, for a prospective suitor for myself, when my heart is already in a turmoil, was completely unnecessary.

Never have I felt like more of a spinster in my life! Why would I want to settle for a second-rate bachelor when I have the love of my life waiting for me, twelve thousand miles away?

Oh, that's why... Because he's twelve thousand miles away.



D. S.

Having the time to read through my previous musings is a luxury I thought I'd forsaken in favour of responsibility and frivolity, yet somehow I have managed to cling to a few private and peaceful hours before the start of another rambunctious weekend.

Exploring the mind of my past is rather interesting, if completely self-indulgent, but I find it gives me awareness of how my writing is (or isn't) improving, and I gain a surprising clarity towards my own emotions. I suppose this is the reason why people write diaries; not as a public record of all your achievements, but for the personal journey where you can acknowledge overcoming any obstacles.

Indeed a few of my entries have been rather haphazard, even bipolar (for want of a less medical phrase) but there are a few that I cannot forget...

Sunday, January 10 2010
I've been brought up a Catholic, and though I am far from the best example of a Christian, I do still believe in God, despite the struggle I have with my faith. I can still remember exactly what I felt that day when I went to church, and it's not something you can forget in a hurry... Not that I truly want to.


Monday, May 10 2010
Similarly I can remember the love I felt for the Duke, even after my decision to let him leave. It may have taken me years to truly realise that we were never compatible, but it was around this time that it began to sink in that our future was not together, even though this was while he was still betrothed...

Wednesday, January 26 2011
The Grande Tour as suggest by the Duke. How can I forget the turmoil I was in; To spend every waking moment with the man I loved, our sunrises giving birth to the Continent before us and the sunsets letting us slip into a writhing mass of overtly sensual licentiousness, or to give up hope and fully admit that he was moving on with his life?

Monday, March 28 2011
My years in the Northern counties provided me with many things, and even more infatuations. The musician toyed with my emotions, less like a cat with string, and increasingly like a tentative piranha, and almost reflexively I couldn't help but experiment... It wasn't my intention, it wasn't my first time, and it certainly wasn't my last, but it was the moment that I decided I would never be ashamed of my more erotic and epicurean desires.

Sunday, September 25 2011
My travels to the Antipodes. Not only was it the best decision I've ever made, and possibly still is, but it's where I fell in love, became an adult, loved and hated, had regrets for the first time... And it's where I began to value my independence more than ever.

Friday, December 9 2011
There is nothing more to say than this is the night I realised I was already in love with the Captain... Our meeting was fleeting, our love may be diminishing but this evening that we spent together is one I will treasure until my dying day.

Saturday, June 2 2012
The day before I left the Antipodes, and I was in more than a little pensive mood... Love, death, the future, the past; in fact many of those questions have still not been answered, and I doubt they ever will be.

Friday, September 28 2012
Today... I live in the Shire, near my friends and family, and have been given responsibilities so that idle thumbs do not make light work for the devil. Apparently. I have an array of men at my disposal and though there are one or two I truly care deeply about, I'm still struggling with my love for the Captain. I fear I've lost him, and I don't know what this means for the future. For our future, for my future, because without realising it, I had fully intended to return to the Antipodes solely for the Captain.

I had become one of those women, dependent on a man.

But, retrospectively, I have had the time to think about what he means to me, and though I don't think I can yet say I don't love him, I think I owe myself more in life than to chase half way across the world for a man... Especially a man that claims to love me and then remains rather scarce when I need him.

For now I shall count down the days (14) until the White Knight's return and I shall flirt with the gentleman that dock their caps at me, and I shall curtsey to the Lords that praise my accomplishments and I shall laugh and be jolly with my friends. For now that is all I want.



D. S.