There is nothing new to report from last week other than the temperatures have risen ever so slightly and everyone is already talking about the Summer months to come. I'm afraid that may be a little premature because we haven't had the heart of Winter yet, and I would not be surprised if the worst was yet to come. 

A very relaxing weekend passed, with little to report as the Duke and I lazed about enjoying each other's company. I did make some time to see the previous amour of the Coxswain as I have yet to hear his side of the story; we chatted for hours, though nothing of much consequence was said. Nevertheless, sometimes there is nothing more therapeutic than idle chatter.

It is a little too soon to think about what I may or may not being doing in 12 months time for, and I am the first to admit it, life often doesn't go according to plan. So why plan? I have never been considered the great architect of my life, rather allowing spontaneous whims to guide me on what has turned out to be a colourful path. Not once, all those years ago, could I have imagined I'd be living in close proximity to the love of my life, having discovered him deep in the heart of another nation! 

I am feeling a lot more confident that whatever happens will be for the best. I cannot think of which I'd rather choose, because each time I think I've decided, I only wake having convinced myself of the other! It is also true that some of me closest peers from my childhood are beginning to start families of their own, and it sometimes makes me wonder why I do not feel anywhere near ready for motherhood.

Is there something wrong with me? I adore children and work in close proximity with them as often as my station allows, but to have a brood of my own?! It is possibly the only conversation the Duke and I have not dared venture, though I believe that is because of a lack of interest on both our parts, rather than a fear of the subject itself. As happy as I am for my friends who have a great adventure ahead of them as Mothers and Fathers, I am much more content knowing that the whole world is still mine, a partially discovered oyster that has yet to release its pearl.



D. S.

A fortnight is all I have left in the Shire before the blonde Esquire whisks me away to the city of our civilisation's birth; Rome.

I have neglected all but he and I cannot apologise for my absence because he has become my every waking moment.

As I read that sentence I choke slightly on the nauseating optimism that had scarce before left my lips. Never would I utter such honest yet sickly, true but excessive, and almost putrid words of undying love.

Passion, yes. Lust, without a doubt. But love? These are not words that leave my mouth willingly; but whatever the reason, my tongue cannot seem to cease proclamations of joy regarding the blonde Esquire.

The cynic in me rolls her eyes profusely, glaring from behind the glass cage - but it is true - I could not be happier.

Rome!

I wish I had more to tell as I have neglected my writing for so long, but in all truthfulness I have spent my time in the blonde Esquire's arms, listening to his sweet nothings. (Oh Lord, I have started again!) 

Party's of course have been thrown - the Duke's sister and I have only a few more months together before she sojourns south for the Summer, so needless to say, there shall be many a raucous festivity before then. Recently time has been spent in doors as the weather continues to ravage the countryside.

Oh... I suppose there is one small piece of information that cannot be overlooked; the blonde Esquire has made his intentions quite clear, it is not marriage he desires, but rather an over zealous lust for war and battle.

He has declared himself a soldier, nay a warrior; a part of his heart longs to fight alongside the cavalry as it can only speak to certain men. These are men who have ideals and a zest for leadership, men whose very nature is both commanding and dispassionate while making difficult decisions. Contrary to those of us who only know how to follow orders, or dumbly refuse to take on the responsibility of other people's lives.

The blonde Esquire has yet to start his training - hence seeking forget-me-not bliss in Rome - but I know that he shall disappear soon. It seems I am destined to forever be abandoned by the men who steal my heart. I cannot and do not begrudge the blonde Esquire from his quest; he is meant to be a soldier, a leader, and I cannot deny him his destiny. But there are no words to describe how much I'll miss him.

No words.

D. S.

I have barely left the bedchamber, wrapped in sheets, dripping beads of perspiration, uttering ceaseless moans of pleasure. I cannot repeat any further the misbehaviour that has taken place at my abode, but think no less of me, nor my actions, for the ruse is slowly slipping away.

The blonde Esquire has managed to tame the beast within; I no longer ache for the touch of anonymous lovers, but am more than content with only him. Though this relationship started as a farce, our intentions have twisted and turned and true emotions have crept in between the lies. 


I do not know whether his unrelenting honesty as the catalyst of our secret tryst makes me trust him more, or whether I am falling for a man whose every intention was to make me love him, but I do know that I am falling for him.

Four months have passed and I have not looked at another man. At first it was a game, keeping me entertained as I played along with the blonde Esquire's needs. But now? I am anxious when I do not hear from him, we barely leave each other's sides and our families have mentioned words that cannot be unheard - betrothal.

Of course I question whether or not his Mother was in on the ruse from the off, and if it was me that has been played... But I have asked time and time again what it is he wants and I constantly get the same response.

'You. I want you.'

I have been wanted and lusted after by so many men... The English gentleman, the Scottish Earl, the White Knight and they too were adamant in their wanting of me, but I am not fool enough to believe they all loved me. In fact, I can happily admit that their intentions were purely physical, but I cannot deny that mine were all too similar.

But when the blonde Esquire looks at me, I feel his want, his ice blue eyes burn into mine with a desperation that could not be fake; no one could possibly emit a look so loving as he. Besides I have heard all the lies that can be said, I could recognise the empty promises without a word being uttered.

For example, the White Knight played the part of chivalrous second-place oh so well when I first began the blonde Esquire's ruse, but a few months down the line? It seems he was more interested in having me to himself and has long since lost contact entirely. A little bit shocked I was, but the Duke's sister has comforted me in saying he has cut ties with all of his ex-lovers in a similar vein so I ought to think nothing of it. She is right, of course, but my pride hurts, for one always wants to think of themselves as the main attraction, and not as a milieu of courtesans.

However I shall ignore the obvious cry for attention and focus on my happiness. It is true, I am so happy I could burst. I wish the rest of the world could feel my happiness... I don't know what I've done to deserve it, but I shall revel in the joy I feel, for who knows how long it shall last?

D. S.

Darlings all the best wishes for Valentines day; the day that revolves around love, yet often leaves a bitter taste in many mouths.

I cannot admit to falling into the latter category, for I wear the largest grin on my face, and cannot conceal the happiness I feel. As I write I can see the blonde Esquire's muscular back, rippled in the evening glow, as he prepares a meal for the two of us to share. No doubt his Mother expects a proposal in the pipeline, however we are taking this faux relationship slowly - it has to be all the more believable when then inevitable end draws nigh.

However, true to his cause, the blonde Esquire has showered me with attention, love and jewellery! Not the order of importance, I promise! How can a girl who delights in diamonds ignore the one that now hangs around her neck without a smile on her face? Shallow? Undeniably. But the gift came from one who has become very dear to me. Even though our relationship is a sham, I can feel a firm friendship between the blonde Esquire and myself. There are no secrets, there are no boundaries; we do not need to bow to social convention as we have the freedom to breathe together.


Our relationship has grown out of a mutual truce and curiosity, and developed into the utmost respect while sating our more carnal desires. There is no intense passion, but rather an ease that ends in our laughing as we lie naked between the sheets.

Valentine's day always causes a few reminiscent thoughts to stray into the foray of my mind; turning back the clocks two years, I remember sitting in the library and writing anonymous love notes and leaving them in the library for anyone to find...  Oh my northern life! How it has disappeared into a vague memory in the grand scheme of life. Of course I miss it, but I know deep down it is the Court Jester, the musician, the Gameskeeper and Duchess of Tuthershire that I miss the most.

But today I shall quite happily make do with the blonde Esquire worshipping my every move. He does not claim to love me, we are undeniably keeping within our contract in order to ensnare his Mother in his attempt to court me. We are young, are allowed to have fun and play within the realms of the rules.



D. S.

Darlings a wonderful new years tiding to you all! Apologies for the delay in writing this year but my life has been somewhat distracted by the frivolities that have been bestowed upon us by the holiday season!

A time to reflect has already passed me by, and I can confirm that I stuck to most of last year's resolutions, because although I may have let love linger in my heart for the Captain (and of course the White Knight dabbled with my emotions) I have not given my heart away to anyone! Of course, love and lust are two completely different things, for I have not gone an entire YEAR without satisfying my more carnal needs!

At the moment I am home with my Father - Mother has disappeared to console the needing arms of a female compatriot whose husband has left her for another woman - and I need the time to think about the past fortnight, before the blonde Esquire arrives.

New Year's Eve was a perfect night. Belle travelled the many miles to the Shire a few days before and we had the time to talk about our loved ones and gossip and laugh as if no time at all had passed between our previous rendez vous. The Court Jester too journeyed from the City of Dreaming Spires to spend the dawning of a new year with me in my new and more humble abode.

My ladies surrounded me, though the Duke's sister was notably missed, and I hosted the fun, the games, the music and dancing without a care in the world. And yet again the blonde Esquire did not disappoint as he turned up as expected and dazzled and delighted those dear to me. I have not yet shared the secret of our new relationship to anyone... I want to see how this reticent tryst develops under the nose of his Mother, and of course when the inevitable implosion of our allegiance occurs it needs to be as realistic as possible, with no chance of reconciliation.

For now I am to think about the future... Do I want to leave the Shire and travel to the Continent, or even further afield, back to the Antipodes? Do I want to persevere on my quest to find someone worthy of my patronage? Shall I give in to the unwritten institution that is marriage to satisfy my parents and find myself a husband? Or shall I just live day to day, loving life, and expecting nothing but happiness?

I know the latter question begs my own indulgence as life is never easy nor smooth, but at the moment I cannot fault the life I lead... Which I suppose is why I have so many questions. I want more to life, and that is why I know I shall not marry any time soon. Travels intrigue me, but working? This is something so unconventional for someone of my status that I feel I must endure the uncertainty... At least for the time being.



D. S.

I do hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! I know I enjoyed the mulled wine, mince pies, carols and company of my family immensely, even when they are driving me around the twist. It's all a part of Christmas, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Of course I have more to write about than Christmas tidings; the blonde Esquire has kept true to his word regarding his intention to court me; the White Knight seems to have left my life with a noble farewell for the last time; and the New Year is just around the corner!

The past week has been filled with much merriment, and the blonde Esquire has provided the majority of the entertainment. We have dined and danced and dallied with all our spare time in the hope to appease his Mother. I have yet to meet her, but I have heard from the Esquire she is pleased with his progress. I wonder how long we will have to keep up this artificial pretense, but for now I am enjoying spending time with the blonde; we scheme and laugh without a care in the world. It is delightfully refreshing to spend time with someone without having to worry whether or not their intentions are true, or indeed having to behave as expected!

The White Knight however returned and made his purpose quite plain. He is to leave again for some battle abroad but hoped to return to a wife and the mother of his child. I was aghast at his presumption, and told him so quite smartly... We exchanged a fair few words and we both left each other with our egos bruised. I don't know what came over him; I was quite looking forward to his return. How was I to know that it was marriage he wanted?

I have, in the mean time, heard once again from the Captain. It is most sporadic but I do smile when I receive such correspondence. However I fear that time and distance have taken its toll on our feelings for one another. I will always remember him fondly and maybe... In the future? I shan't give up hope completely.

But now I have to plan the New Years Eve festivities (and of course consider my resolutions) and decide what theme, what invitations and what scandals may or may not occur. The blonde Esquire has given me his word that he shall attend as to whatever Ball I may throw, and Belle has written to say she shall join us in the Shire. I look forward to Armiger's company this afternoon and I do hope this, the final week of the year, has fewer surprises than the penultimate.

D. S.

Life is never quite what you expect it to be... I can see the lives of my friends straightening out, their ambitions and goals unfolding in front of them, their paths lit with the love of their partners as the future they have chosen is sketched out before them in multi-coloured glory.

I on the other hand am dwindling in monochrome tones of yesteryear, waiting impatiently for the return of a lover, while pining for a nineteen year old half way across the world.

Of course I am referring to the dilemma I have between the White Knight and the Captain. If distance were not an issue then the Captain would be my only option, I love him. I need him by my side more than I care to admit. Of course I struggled with this notion after weeks of not hearing from him, but all he has to do is pick up a pen and write to me and I am once again weak at the knees.

The White Knight returns in just over a week. He too has travelled thousands of miles, but his deployment has many constraints that I could never suffer through willingly. He worships the ground I walk on, and I am never one to deny myself the attentions of a delightful suitor, and if I am being honest with myself, he is more than just a play thing. I do care about him deeply, but I know that I do not love him. He is not the Captain. How could he replace the Captain?

The entire thought is absurd.

My Ladies, as wonderful as they are, seem to have taken it upon themselves to find me an eligible suitor closer to home, one that fits their criteria and is seemingly desperate. I cannot deny the love I have for my friends, and I know they only mean the best for me, but to have at least three different couples try and locate the ideal candidate within their friendship groups, for a prospective suitor for myself, when my heart is already in a turmoil, was completely unnecessary.

Never have I felt like more of a spinster in my life! Why would I want to settle for a second-rate bachelor when I have the love of my life waiting for me, twelve thousand miles away?

Oh, that's why... Because he's twelve thousand miles away.



D. S.

I wish I could say I've been better behaved than last week, but that isn't strictly true. I haven't been any worse, but it has taken me a wee while to calm down and get certain frustrations out of my system!

Seeing Armiger again was of course wonderful, the City of Dreaming Spires is stunningly beautiful and I adore his new-found friends. There is nothing I love more than to sit and discuss an array of topics while slightly befuddled; not everything we say makes absolute sense, but there is no one to judge us. Of course at the back of my mind it reminds me of the company I kept in the Antipodes just before I left. The philosophies of life that we discuss here are of a less religious nature however: it seems our lives are forever dictated by politics (and love affairs). 

I'd love to know what my darling friend, the Duchess of Devonshire, would have to say about the company I kept in the Antipodes!

But once again I am in the Shire and have kept a rather sedate pace of late (if only for the past two days).

However, I have had a memory prolonging its welcome in my mind, though it was only a dream of a few night ago.

Upon a ship, there I was with my Mother, who was uncharacteristically calm and collected, in spite of the treacherous waves and the vendetta the rough seas seemed to have against us. Even more striking was the sunshine that came with the storm! But dreams never make much sense, do they?

It was a pirate vessel, and the Captain I did not recognise, for it was not my love. But the ship and crew, though flouting their pirate flag, were kind and not terrorsome. In fact it was the Captain, who was not my Captain, who took my Mother and I below deck so as not to ruin our dresses.  Where we were sailing I could not know, but in my heart I felt as if I was going home. No sooner had the storm faded, as they do in dreams, did we arrive at my one and only City of Sails!

My Mother's presence disappeared, but that is understandable for I did venture to the Antipodes on my own, and there I was, a stranger in a land I knew so well. There was no one to greet me, but I was unafraid. The Captain who was not my Captain, gave me one piece of advice: Go home, it's the only thing you're looking for...

Alas, as dreams have a tendency to do, I awoke before I could traipse across the City of Sails home. But where is home? I lived with family for so long, I cannot expect to depend on their hospitality for ever, but it was only a dream. As I opened my eyes I saw the sun peek through the clouds over the Shire hills this morn while the South Wing gave a majestic yawn. I don't think I've ever been so disappointed to wake up in the Shire before, but I managed to expunge the feeling with a brisk walk.

Back in the real world, in this life controlled by contrived conventions, I have heard from the nun, though the news is not something that elated me. By chance, a certain man that I do not wish to see is returning for penance at the Convent over the summer.

I go because I wish to assuage any guilt from my misbehaviour, that and the old gossips love to talk about how I've 'let my family down' because I have yet to marry. The Convent certainly keeps them quiet and that is enough for me. I have to admit, that I too love the peace of mind, and teaching the children. Who'd have though, I'd ever have acquired a love of teaching?

But the Convent may be less of a Sanctuary this year if I have to put up with some unsavoury characters... I too may have to join them in penance! These thoughts are most un-Christian of me!

Talking of my dream has got me thinking of the Antipodes again, and my writing seems to have become most disjointed.

I want to go back. Not just for the Captain (who I have yet to hear from), but for myself. I feel that I left a part of me behind, and it's a vital part that I can't live without.

D. S. 

Decision making is clearly not my forté... For how long do you think I can get away with stringing these two wonderful gentlemen along before it becomes obvious to me that I like one more than the other?


Already my Mother has told me that she thinks the Captain has truly captured my heart and though I do spend more time with him than the lowly Stone Mason, I am slightly afeared by his overzealousness. I adore being worshipped, but I'd prefer to be loved, and after two short weeks, there is no way to tell if the one shall evolve into the other.

The darling eighteen year old Captain has accompanied me to the City on more than one occasion buying me presents and treating me far better than I have ever been treated before. I know this shouldn't come as a surprise, but I had truly thought all the good men had been taken already... Then again, he is only eighteen. He hasn't yet had the chance to develop nasty habits like the Peacock Gentleman, for example.


I am, however, doing my best to keep the Captain on the North side of the bridge, away from the the haunts of the Stone Mason. I would hate for the two of them to accidentally meet! The Stone Mason has of course kept in touch but his work keeps him at bay and of course he doesn't know to fight for me... Not that I truly want them fighting, but because they are so different and propose different aspects to my life I would hate to lose either of them.


Speaking of losing someone, my brunette lover has leached herself into my life with even more intensity as she feels me slipping away. Although she still shares my bedchamber with me and does her best to irk my attention, she has failed in any part to poison my mind away from them. I still do not understand her vendetta, nor do I want to. By ignoring her she loses the power she once had over me, though it does make me sad to remember the times we once had... But I suppose relationships that start with a ménage a trois and Irish cream were never destined to end well!


December is upon us and I can't believe how soon it shall be before we have had Christmas and are in a New Year... Do you think I stuck to my resolutions from the start of the year? 




D. S.

The Duchess of Tuthershire and I have acquired a penchant for drinking red wine until the early hours of the morn. It is quite unruly of us but her station as a married woman gives her more independence than I had imagined...


I have had one of the busiest weeks in memory, not since my life was scheduled beyond belief in my younger years have there been so many things to do and people to see!


My dear Duchess introduced me to some ladies of craft; a jeweller and a designer whose exquisite wares are tantalising. I long to purchase a few items for my own but have already far exceeded May's budget... I'm hoping upon my return from the Continent to have redeemed this situation and to spend as frivolously as I know how!


I ended up devoting my time to their fashions, being guided through the rigmarole behind the fabrics by their darling assistant. I do have to admit that I felt quite ignorant by comparison, they both had an exemplary combination of creativity and management - it was rather daunting to be in the presence of that much skill and talent!


The highlight of the week, though, would have to be the races and the fashion show that I attended yesterday. Everyone knows how I love to be the centre of attention, but aiding the fashion show kept my mind occupied from peripheral thoughts as I concentrated on the task at hand. The entire night was a roaring success and I can't thank the Duchess enough for introducing me to those two wonderful ladies. It proved the perfect distraction from my ever looming departure and the goodbyes that I'm going to have to say to my dear friends.


I've tried to spend as much time as possible with the musician, Brewer, Gameskeeper and Belle as is possible - we did have a brilliant night together only two moons before, but I get this unpleasant feeling at the back of my throat that our days together are numbered. I note the pessimism in my tone and blame the lack of sleep, but it is getting most difficult to put such thoughts from my mind. 


What is it that the future holds for us? I'd give anything to know...

D. S.

Wondrous days, it seems that Spring has at long last returned!


I only start to talk about the weather for I have begun rummaging through my belongings, trying to decide what is suitable for my trip to the Continent. The Duke talks about the heat and humidity becoming unbearable, but I long for sunshine. Today however, my dear England has granted the pleasure of the sun's rays upon my face.


The weekend was awash with rain, but that did not halt my desire for lavish amusements. I felt the need to throw a small party and was delighted to have the presence of one who equals my title. The Duchess of Tuthershire enraptured her willing audience from the moment her bejewelled clad foot stepped into the hall. It was an entrance to invoke envy, only to quell at the sight of her smile, a sight that has been upon everybody's lips ever since.

I look forward to future reunions as we have not laid eyes on each other since we were but babes in arms. A familial dispute arose about a decade passed and since then our friendship has been forgotten - or so I thought! But it seems that with her recent marriage, the Duchess of Tuthershire has gained freedom, and has used her influential marriage to regain the trust of my parents, at no cost of her own!


We spent many an hour catching up on the last few years but still that wasn't long enough. Days worth of entertainment and frivolity have been organised in the hope that we can close the rift that was forced between us, and so far the venture has been a success. She is a far wiser woman than I will ever be, though she claims it is her marriage that has helped her fully mature.


This of course gets me thinking about marriage, about the future, about my impending departure from the North and my thoughts spiral beyond my control and it takes all that I can muster to pull myself out of bed! I fear I'm being a little melodramatic, but the thought of leaving the Court Jester, the Brewer, Gameskeeper, musician, Belle, the coxswain... Well... It doesn't bear thinking about. 





D. S.