As always I have no idea where to start... Other than the beginning, but that in itself is a rather tricky situation. Where even is the beginning?

I have just journeyed back from the tropical delights of the Kingdom of Siam, and am suffering from a a serious case of withdrawal. I travelled on my own, learning to love myself once again, and indeed discovering that my normally rather cold and calculated demeanour, melted away under the blazing sun and I am ready to try and care about other people. 

Of course I have always cared about my friends and my family, that goes without question, but my apprehension is more towards opening up to other people, allowing them to get to know me a little more intimately, rather than accepting me for the more brusque and brash personality that I am known for. It's a wonderous feeling to be so alone in another country where I do not know the traditions, culture or the language. It is truly eye-opening to discover how much I do not know about the world. It is humbling to be accepted by strangers with a wide smile and kind offer of hospitality. 

There were sights I will never forget: fish the size of my body leaping out of the water, flying towards large pieces of bread thrown from bridges and decks on the shore; lizards lazing in the sun on low-hanging trees, their scaly tails taut against the branches in the wind; palaces of gold and silver, diamonds glistening at every turn; statues towering over the throngs of people that crowded around them in search of some good fortune.


I have so much love and respect for the Kingdom of Siam, it was stunningly beautiful in parts - the river, the palaces and temples; the places of worship - both spiritual and material - yet they were contrasting in a painfully obvious, yet ignored way, with the squalor of wooden huts and corrugated metal houses that were hidden in plain sight, overshadowed by the grandeur of the architecture. It was an enlightening place to visit, and I know that the three days I had there weren't enough to do the city justice. I'm sure I shall find it in me to travel there again at some point in the future. 

The monks were something to behold, their robes of orange clashing brilliantly with the hue of the city, but more than that, they held themselves with such a poise that they were revered from across the street. Furtive glances were kept low out of respect and yet the monks had a look of serenity upon each of their faces. I was entranced by their very presence, even more so when I saw them out of context, beside the markets and peddlars rather than contemplating life beneath a fresco of their beloved Buddha. I still have so much to learn.

D. S.

I do hope everyone had the most wonderful Christmas tidings and was thoroughly spoilt, guzzling on delicious eats and drinking to excess, for how else is Christmas to be spent?

My family and I celebrated accordingly and we were graced with the presence of the charmingly handsome Duke of Albany, who followed me from the mountains of Bohemia to the humble hills of the Shire. He has been most gracious and has enraptured my ladies of the Shire as well as my parents. The grin that adorns my lips has barely been absent as the Duke becomes an easy piece to fit into the jigsaw of my life. 

Plans are being made for the future... Travel is still at the forefront of my mind, but I am doing my utmost to convince the Duke that he wants to go on a Grande Tour with me. I know I am asking a lot, to leave his home in Bohemia for a few weeks over Christmas is nothing in comparison to an invitation for a year of journeying the world, but there is no one I'd rather go anywhere with.

I look forward to our return to Bohemia and gazing upon the painting in all its glory. The Duke and I have decided to throw a party in honour of the artist, though no doubt she will be less than grateful. But before we journey home in a week, we have to travel to the Northern counties and welcome in the new year with Belle and the Lady of Corcaigh. Only a few days separate me from my most beloved friends and I cannot wait to drink champagne and celebrate.



D. S.

I have made a decision. A radical decision. Iberia is calling my name and the dark haired Prussian Knight and I are going to spend a fortnight cavorting on the golden sands, not caring about the little details that are too inclined to cling to the hem of my undergarments and weigh me down.

Iberia of course is nothing new, nothing radical (not like before) and I plan on enjoying every second that I get to spend with the dark haired Prussian Knight. Afterwards however, I now have a plan of action.

A grande tour is too extravagant, too conspicuous and I feel I would lose touch with the world that I so much crave. Instead I have managed to convince my parents that I am to travel across the Continent to the Eastern borders and make a home for myself and my retinue and learn another country's culture.

I shall of course be in disguise, for a female cannot travel on her own without a reason, these are such the trappings of the life I lead, but I want to get to know another country. I remember the love I felt for the Antipodes, it shall always be my second home. But is it so wrong to want a third, a fourth?

I want to understand why there are differences in religions and races, what values different people fight for. I want to know that there is more in this world than the debauchery I have lavished upon myself for so long.

Answers shall not come swiftly for me, and I do not expect this to be easy. The gruelling task of crossing the Continent shall be mine to bear, but I look forward to the challenge once the Convent has released me from its iron grip.

It was hard for me to let the Prussian Knight know of my decision to leave the Shire; we had become terribly fond of each other's company, but I know in my heart that travelling and learning and seeing the world mean more to me than any sort of relationship we could etch out.

I watch the rain fall for the first time in a month. The yellow grass desperate for the attention of the significant droplets, the trees yearning for more than a mere smattering. A thunderstorm is brewing, there is tension in the air and an electricity that cannot be ignored.

Something is about to change.



D. S.

Oh the Summer Ball.

It was everything I had expected and so much more. Whomever spent the time and effort gallivanting around to create an unforgettable event should be ever so proud of their endeavours; fun was had by all, even those who lack fun in their nature.

I grin as I think of the night and what has transpired since the celebration. But first I shall talk about what decisions have been made before I let slip the secrets that the Ball unravelled.

As per every Summer that is worth remembering, I shall once again atone for my sins at the Convent. However, I have decided not to return to the Convent in the Shire for there are too many unpleasant memories of the unforgiving priest and instead journey to the coast for some sea air in Brighthelmstone. Belle shall accompany me as her relationship with the Gameskeeper seems to have dwindled ~ I shan't pry, for not everyone can be as blunt as I.

I have casually dropped into the conversation with my oh-so-wearied parents the notion that I may once again want to go on a Grande Tour of my own, after the Convent. To appease my somewhat intrepid spirit my parents have suggested that I spend some time on the golden beaches of Iberia, and I cannot fault their commitment to my happiness, only their imagination. However, I shall not be a belligerent and ungrateful child, so will heed their advice, all the while trying to convince them that travelling is a state of mind and a way of life that I cannot escape.

Fortunately I have met one who feels most passionately about travelling as I do. Our eyes met for the second time at the Summer Ball, though I was thinking less sordid thoughts as to undressing myself in public, I did have to blush at the memory.

The tall, dark haired stranger made more than an appearance at the ball. In fact he made quite the impression, and not just with me. I managed to find out a little more about him; he is a Prussian knight, a 'rycerz', here on his travels ~ no purpose as of yet, but he said his last quest were the beaches of a far away paradise, so who knows where next may tickle his fancy.

We shared no fewer than two dances and talked of the countries we had visited. I, of course, was intrigued, but I'd have hoped that the gossip mongers would have abated their cruel taunts until we'd parted ways, but the dark haired Prussian knight was ever the gentleman, and he defended my scarcely intact honour. 

It is too soon to say that fate had a hand in our second meeting, but we shall see if there shall be a third. I shall make no plans to invest in more than a mere acquaintance for now, but I can definitely state that my curiosity has been piqued.

D. S.

A Summer Ball awaits.

A farewell evening has been organised with the intention of dancing and debauchery as a celebration of the Summer Solstice. How apt that it is just as I leave for the South, for the Convent, I have the pleasure of bidding my heartfelt goodbyes to those who have become close to me over the last few months.

My Northern blonde beauty has changed her role and is enjoying much more freedom, and I look forward greatly to the preparation we shall put into tomorrow night's misadventures. Indeed I have heard a rumour that a certain tall, dark haired gentleman from the South will make an appearance. Who he is I have yet to find out, but he left quite the impression the other week.

Life is not quite what I expected, and I never thought I'd originally expected anything from life. I long to travel, to go on a Grande Tour of my own and see worlds never seen before. The Antipodes only whet my appetite for going further afield, and see everything in between, though how I can abandon the Shire indefinitely I do not know.

Without the blonde Esquire in my life now, I have no ties to stay in one place. The Shire shall always be my home, I have that luxury, but indeed I cannot deny that there is more to this world. I do not know how to broach the subject with my family. How can I ask them to fund my travels around the world with no purpose? How can I expect them to understand my passion for all things unknown? Never would they dare let their unruly daughter travel on her own! Who would I choose to escort me?

So many things I have to think about with regards to my future.

For now I shall choose the softest fabrics of cream, decorated with summer flowers for the Ball tomorrow. I do hope this tall, dark haired gentleman appears; or at least I get to find out who he is. Because if I do spend the summer on the coast and happen to have another chance encounter with this gentleman, I cannot deny the curious and unstoppable flirtation that may arise.

D. S.

Having the time to read through my previous musings is a luxury I thought I'd forsaken in favour of responsibility and frivolity, yet somehow I have managed to cling to a few private and peaceful hours before the start of another rambunctious weekend.

Exploring the mind of my past is rather interesting, if completely self-indulgent, but I find it gives me awareness of how my writing is (or isn't) improving, and I gain a surprising clarity towards my own emotions. I suppose this is the reason why people write diaries; not as a public record of all your achievements, but for the personal journey where you can acknowledge overcoming any obstacles.

Indeed a few of my entries have been rather haphazard, even bipolar (for want of a less medical phrase) but there are a few that I cannot forget...

Sunday, January 10 2010
I've been brought up a Catholic, and though I am far from the best example of a Christian, I do still believe in God, despite the struggle I have with my faith. I can still remember exactly what I felt that day when I went to church, and it's not something you can forget in a hurry... Not that I truly want to.


Monday, May 10 2010
Similarly I can remember the love I felt for the Duke, even after my decision to let him leave. It may have taken me years to truly realise that we were never compatible, but it was around this time that it began to sink in that our future was not together, even though this was while he was still betrothed...

Wednesday, January 26 2011
The Grande Tour as suggest by the Duke. How can I forget the turmoil I was in; To spend every waking moment with the man I loved, our sunrises giving birth to the Continent before us and the sunsets letting us slip into a writhing mass of overtly sensual licentiousness, or to give up hope and fully admit that he was moving on with his life?

Monday, March 28 2011
My years in the Northern counties provided me with many things, and even more infatuations. The musician toyed with my emotions, less like a cat with string, and increasingly like a tentative piranha, and almost reflexively I couldn't help but experiment... It wasn't my intention, it wasn't my first time, and it certainly wasn't my last, but it was the moment that I decided I would never be ashamed of my more erotic and epicurean desires.

Sunday, September 25 2011
My travels to the Antipodes. Not only was it the best decision I've ever made, and possibly still is, but it's where I fell in love, became an adult, loved and hated, had regrets for the first time... And it's where I began to value my independence more than ever.

Friday, December 9 2011
There is nothing more to say than this is the night I realised I was already in love with the Captain... Our meeting was fleeting, our love may be diminishing but this evening that we spent together is one I will treasure until my dying day.

Saturday, June 2 2012
The day before I left the Antipodes, and I was in more than a little pensive mood... Love, death, the future, the past; in fact many of those questions have still not been answered, and I doubt they ever will be.

Friday, September 28 2012
Today... I live in the Shire, near my friends and family, and have been given responsibilities so that idle thumbs do not make light work for the devil. Apparently. I have an array of men at my disposal and though there are one or two I truly care deeply about, I'm still struggling with my love for the Captain. I fear I've lost him, and I don't know what this means for the future. For our future, for my future, because without realising it, I had fully intended to return to the Antipodes solely for the Captain.

I had become one of those women, dependent on a man.

But, retrospectively, I have had the time to think about what he means to me, and though I don't think I can yet say I don't love him, I think I owe myself more in life than to chase half way across the world for a man... Especially a man that claims to love me and then remains rather scarce when I need him.

For now I shall count down the days (14) until the White Knight's return and I shall flirt with the gentleman that dock their caps at me, and I shall curtsey to the Lords that praise my accomplishments and I shall laugh and be jolly with my friends. For now that is all I want.



D. S.

Another week has blurred past, though there are a few aspects that stand out... 


I visited Armiger in the City of Dreaming Spires and met some of his delightful friends. It was brilliant to catch up with him, it had been far too long and of course he was curious about my time in the Antipodes. I didn't even know where to begin, but it seemed that all I could talk about was the Captain. Indeed, a friend of Armiger's seemed most intrigued about the love-affair; asking poignant questions and giving me a few words of advice.


She was most adamant that I should heed the Captain's words and go back to the Antipodes if I could see a future with him. I do see a future with him, but who am I to choose how his life should pan out? He is too young to be making life-changing decisions, and that sort of commitment shouldn't be pressured by the distance we would still have to endure.


There is nothing I want more than to return to the country where I left my heart, for it truly felt more like home than this country. I do not begrudge the time I have spent in the Shire; this place has molded me into the person I am, but the Antipodes brought out the best in me... (And momentarily, the worst). But it was the Captain that made me see who it was that I wanted, and still want, to be.


Travelling seems to take up most of my time, for I journeyed to the Northern counties in the hope of seeing some close friends. I was pleasantly surprised to see that Rosinda was still accounted for and even more overwhelmed when the Duchess of Tuthershire made an appearance! We laughed and danced and compared notes about our travels, for she has just returned from a Grande Tour around the Eastern continents! I am most impressed with her stories, and relieved that nothing untoward happened while she did some soul searching.

She asked more about the Scottish laird than the Captain, for I think she is less than enamored with someone who could have put me through so much pain, but alas, there is very little to report so far. The Scottish laird has been rather quiet of late, and though I know he has a lot to attend to, I dislike feeling so neglected. I think all this talk of travel has made me somewhat nostalgic. I miss being in another country, I miss the brunette and our obsession with the beaches, I miss the off-chance of bumping into the Captain...


I do love being home, I love seeing everybody and I have never felt more loved by my friends. But this philial love is not enough. I want to be consumed by passion, I want to feel whole again.


But how can I when he is twelve thousand miles away?





D. S.

Maybe a confession wasn't the wisest of decisions, but with hindsight I can lament the misdemeanor.

The priest, though it is a title he does not deserve, has scorned me in public, ruining my reputation and forsaking his own promises to God by breaking the seal of confession. I told him all the usual sins and, in a roundabout way, my slightly more deplorable transgressions, though in no detail, and he dared to oust me from the confessional and make an example of me! I was furious and humiliated, but I refuse to let a petty priest have that sort of effect on my life. I shall no longer attend Mass where he preaches and I look forward to my Southern hemisphere travels that will take me far away from his hypocrisy.



I don't even have the time to dwell on the priest for this week has been ever so hectic; I am trying to fit in various visits with all my wonderful friends before I leave for my Grande Tour.


The Duchess of Tuthershire welcomed me to her home with open arms and I cannot fault her hospitality. It was delightful to see her in her natural habitat surrounded by friends and family, and it truly cheered my heart to catch up after so many months.


Another Northern lovely that I managed to coax South was the ever exquisite Belle who was horrified at the prospect of me leaving without saying a proper farewell. I don't think it had entirely sunk in that I really have left the North. The last three years have been incredible and it pains me, knowing that I am not going to be returning any time soon.


Before I get too nostalgic and wander off into the land of dreams, I have to mention the secret suitor, the White Knight, that Mother had kept hidden from me these past few weeks...


I have finally had the pleasure of his company; conversing that soon led to kissing. But alas, the White Knight is true to his name and shall be leaving for battle, far too soon for me to even comprehend what could have been. So as I begin to organise my belongings for my own journey, I think about the different paths each and every one of us takes every day without even realising. It had never before occurred to me to live or travel abroad, but here I am, arrangements have been made, and only two weeks until I depart!





D. S.

Three weeks is all that I have left in the Shire.

Life has taken a turn for the unexpected, and though I am overjoyed at the prospect of travelling I didn't think I'd get this organised before the end of September, nor is this quite the Grande Tour I had in mind. Summer is over and Autumn is just around the corner, but I am moving to the Southern hemisphere, to a country that is, as yet, unnamed, to be with my Nana, and enjoy the tropical weather they have to offer.

Mother has said that she'll join me in a few months and that I should have no fear for they'll all travel South for the Christmas festivities, but the thought of leaving the Shire prematurely is daunting. I plan to make the most of the time that I have left with birthday parties and festivals, fairs and fêtes... Indeed all the 'F's'! 

I suppose it is rather silly of me to pine for the suitor that Mother has still managed to keep secret. To think that I was unconsciously harbouring a surreptitious longing for a man that I've never even met! 

Besides this rather large piece of news, the week has been quiet. The Ladies of the Shire have kept me entertained, and I've shared my truffle knowledge (though the rum truffles didn't quite work out as planned) but I miss my Northern friends enormously! Especially now that my time in this beautiful country is limited, I yearn to let them know of my travels and say a few heartfelt goodbyes! For who knows how long I shall be away?

I have spoken to Belle and the Coxswain quite frequently of late, and though wonderful to receive notes, it is their voices and their charms that I want to bathe in. The only other gossip of note was Belle's distance from her lover. The Gameskeeper and my dear friend are still as in love as ever, but it seems he has taken himself off travelling, to none other than the unnamed country! I know that Belle misses him dreadfully, but I will definitely need a friendly face amongst all the unknown.

The Doctor has been in touch, as has the nun, but I have yet to tell either of them of my leaving so soon. There is no point in acknowledging these emotions for I shall abandon them forthwith! I think a final confession to the priest, yes I think it is time, before I leave shall prepare for the journey ahead!

D. S.

I have only been home for a matter of days but already I have itchy feet and am looking to travel; to go on my own Grande Tour!


I wonder if I have left it too late to ask the Duke to accompany me, but if it weren't for the danger of being a lone woman I wouldn't even want to take my entourage. I want to escape, to rid myself of my title and experience new sights and tastes that I have yet to even imagine. Mother is not as enthralled with this idea as I am... Unsurprisingly.


She has conjured up some eligible man that she procurred from God-knows-where, as only Mother knows how, to make some awkward introductions this weekend. I'm not sure whether I should be grateful or insulted! But I suppose mothers will be mothers and she can't abide having a spinster for a daughter forever! I won't plan on being nonchalant, I will give this poor fellow a chance, but I don't expect him to tickle my fancy, at least not in any comparison to the musician!

I did receive an invitation yesterday that brought a smile to my face, from the dear nun who left me alone at the Convent two weeks ago! She is having a wonderful time on the Coast and wondered whether I would care to join her for a few days. Of course I said yes, I'd be delighted to see her again and I look forward to evenings huddled around the harpsichord singing hymns.


Armiger has kept in touch though I haven't seen him half as much as I would have liked to, but I do hope he keeps to his promise of a Ball tonight! I could so do with some fun, and I'm sure I could single out that seventeen year old and have some fun with him...


There I go again. I even went to Church this morning with Mother to try and atone for some of my sins but I can't seem to help myself! If I'm not hurting anyone, am I really doing anything wrong?


 

D. S.

Even after a full night's sleep my eyes are still red with fatigue.

Never before have I been able to appreciate the hard work put in by nuns, governesses and teachers for the children in their care. I don't think it is something that is suited to me for the long term, and highly inappropriate for a Duchess but as I've said before I'm enjoying my time here at the Convent far more than I thought possible.

A few nights ago I had the chance to reconvene with my Ladies of the Shire and Armiger. As much as I love and appreciate all those who work with me at the Convent, nothing truly makes me happier than spending time with my nearest and dearest friends. The time we spend together is made ever more precious as currently our lives are so terribly busy. Each of us pursuing endeavours to make our futures more fortuitous.

We discussed many things from the scandalous to the mundane and everything inbetween, though a return to the Continent made all of our tongues wag most excitedly, and I do hope that we manage to visit Iberia together in the next coming weeks.

I have heard very little from the Duke since I have returned to the Shire. I know nothing except that his Grande Tour was a success, but that I never even began to doubt.

Every now and again my heart pangs slightly for the North. I miss the slightly-less-than-exemplary beahviour that was no more acceptable, but was forgotten instantly with the latest fashions and even more sordid scandals. I miss Belle. Her birthday is nigh and it saddens me to think I shall not be with her to celebrate. I miss the Coxswain, the Brewer, the Court Jester. I miss them all and cannot peer into the future far enough to establish when I will be able to see them next.

I should be used to it by now, but every Summer in the Shire I pine for the Northern counties, and this year it is no exception.

D. S.

Another week has passed and I have maintained my decision to forgo the Grande Tour with the Duke. My relief is something I cannot deny and it has helped me realise that I have made the right choice; NOT to run away and expect a fairytale ending with the Duke. He is too fickle and needs to take care of himself, escaping convention but not bringing me down with him.

I wrote him a letter explaining 'why' and I have yet to receive a response. I don't know how he will react but we have recovered from so many assiduous situations that I don't doubt our relationship to last longer than this relapse.

The Court Jester has returned to the Northern counties and nothing could have made me happier except that the musician and his friends have returned from their travels so that I have the people I love around me once again. I look forward to seeing the musician tomorrow night but until then I have other snippets to talk about...

This weekend was an absolute delight, I whiled away the hours with the rowers, laughing and talking, watching them row with the Court Jester, nothing particularly out of the ordinary. However, it seems that there is a slight discrepancy regarding their coxswain! He has always been rather quiet in comparison to the other gentlemen, and keeps to himself. I thought it was to do with his height, as he is easily vertically challenged -the perfect size to be a coxswain - but not what one could call a dwarf. He is perfectly proportioned, if slightly effeminate.

Well, after sitting on the banks watching them row the Court Jester and I parted ways and I decided to wait for the rest of the gentlemen and I caught a glimpse of the coxswain kissing the gentleman who normally sits at Number 5! Of course I was shocked, I may be rather lax in my own morals but to have two men kissing in only relatively discreet cover was astonishing even for me. I didn't know whether to warn them of my presence and help them hide (no one can help who they fall in love with) or just pretend that I hadn't seen anything and remove myself from the situation. But it was just as well that I was transfixed by the sight for moments later the coxswain's hat fell to the ground revealing the most gorgeous length of hair and Number 5 seemed to have his hand on a breast!

I'm not sure what to think but I believe that the gentlemen's VIII have been deceiving the Club with their coxswain, for he is actually a she! I think I'm going to keep this information to myself, for now, but I do wish I could find out who the coxswain really is!? I might have to do some digging but this is the most delicious scandal and has already made my decision to stay in my darling England well worth it!

Wish me luck on my path of curiosity. I know I should just ignore what I saw or ask outright but I'm intrigued! I want to know how long it has been going on for and who she is!?



D. S.