Thursday, December 30, 2010

How I do love the Christmas holidays! The last week has been spectacular with presents, family, friends, champagne and more snow than I could have imagined! (Yet not scandal free!)

I have had the most delightful few days eating FAR more than any lady should! But when can you indulge your senses if not at Christmas? Though I think I might have mixed my metaphors and the like.

My family hosted an incredible soirée two days after Christmas, inviting all the Lords and Ladies fortunate enough to be in the Shire and it was a glorious evening. Some old family friends surprised us by turning up halfway through the night - I do not wonder where I learnt my love for theatrics - and I thoroughly enjoyed hearing all of their stories of the Continent! It seems that everyone I know has spent a good part of this year abroad and I have travelled between two counties, trying to guard my heart from the clutches of unavailable men.

Speaking of availability it seems that the Duke and his fiancé are no longer! I received a letter and a small parcel from the Duke himself saying that he didn't want me to hear through the grapevine, but that his fiancé's conduct had been less than perfect and he wanted to to terminate their marriage contract! I find this most distressing at it may scupper all my new year's plans! 

I know I sound frivolous but I think I am in shock! I had put the Duke out of my mind, or at least felt that it was going about that way, however slowly. I am not prepared for this declaration; though I do suppose it is more of a statement for the Duke has not hinted at anything more between the two of us, it's just my heart skipping forward. 

We will see each other tomorrow night, or at least definitely before I return up North, but I do not know how to react! Should I expect anything, or be cold and callous, or ignore it, or sympathetic? I don't know what to do! And it frightens me, that he has so much of a hold over me even after all these years! This news has made me wistful for the past, before I had a reputation to uphold and an acknowledged responsibility to my family!

And there is a name a dare not mention, whose name I have never uttered in conjunction with my emotions. It is not 'him' who ruined me and ravished me in the same instance up North but rather a musician, a friend. Our current relationship is purely platonic, yet that I have thought of him now, when the Duke is apparently free makes me question my love, yes I've said it, for the Duke!

I didn't want to go into this tonight. I didn't want to talk about it until the New Year, but I suppose it's better to get it out of the way sooner rather than later. 

The snow that we had has all but disappeared, a grey cloud looms loftily in the sky, no doubt gathering rain for a deluge tomorrow night.


D. S.