Saturday, June 30, 2012

Yet again I have out done myself.... This week has been rather slow until last night when I succumbed to a former lover's arms.

It's the second time this month that I have allowed myself to foray into this venture into the past, but until I can establish what this is, I daren't say who it is (though it is someone I have mentioned before).

Other than that the week has been rather quiet. I am waiting for the Convent to start and I plan on behaving myself for the rest of the Summer (or at least trying to).

The teaching is something I know I will have to work at, I haven't done anything for months, and I get far too easily distracted by the needs of the flesh... But it will be even more difficult this time round, the Convent may not be the place of refuge that I seek. But nonetheless, I shall try.

I have also given myself a target of love. I still haven't heard from the Captain. I can't believe that he  hasn't received the letter I sent him. But no reply? It wasn't anything that he didn't already know, and I don't know what else to do. I'm not going to move country for him when he can't even pick up a pen to give me the assurance I need to know that I haven't lost him. His silence proves that time and distance are too much for our love, if it was even love in the first place.

The feelings I had for him could not be ignored when I was bumping into him incessantly and I still crave the possible future we could have had together, but the distance between the Shire and the Antipodes is too great. Especially if I cannot rely on him to keep in even the most distant contact...

For now I shall resume my studies and ponder on the past lover. 

D. S.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I wish I could say I've been better behaved than last week, but that isn't strictly true. I haven't been any worse, but it has taken me a wee while to calm down and get certain frustrations out of my system!

Seeing Armiger again was of course wonderful, the City of Dreaming Spires is stunningly beautiful and I adore his new-found friends. There is nothing I love more than to sit and discuss an array of topics while slightly befuddled; not everything we say makes absolute sense, but there is no one to judge us. Of course at the back of my mind it reminds me of the company I kept in the Antipodes just before I left. The philosophies of life that we discuss here are of a less religious nature however: it seems our lives are forever dictated by politics (and love affairs). 

I'd love to know what my darling friend, the Duchess of Devonshire, would have to say about the company I kept in the Antipodes!

But once again I am in the Shire and have kept a rather sedate pace of late (if only for the past two days).

However, I have had a memory prolonging its welcome in my mind, though it was only a dream of a few night ago.

Upon a ship, there I was with my Mother, who was uncharacteristically calm and collected, in spite of the treacherous waves and the vendetta the rough seas seemed to have against us. Even more striking was the sunshine that came with the storm! But dreams never make much sense, do they?

It was a pirate vessel, and the Captain I did not recognise, for it was not my love. But the ship and crew, though flouting their pirate flag, were kind and not terrorsome. In fact it was the Captain, who was not my Captain, who took my Mother and I below deck so as not to ruin our dresses.  Where we were sailing I could not know, but in my heart I felt as if I was going home. No sooner had the storm faded, as they do in dreams, did we arrive at my one and only City of Sails!

My Mother's presence disappeared, but that is understandable for I did venture to the Antipodes on my own, and there I was, a stranger in a land I knew so well. There was no one to greet me, but I was unafraid. The Captain who was not my Captain, gave me one piece of advice: Go home, it's the only thing you're looking for...

Alas, as dreams have a tendency to do, I awoke before I could traipse across the City of Sails home. But where is home? I lived with family for so long, I cannot expect to depend on their hospitality for ever, but it was only a dream. As I opened my eyes I saw the sun peek through the clouds over the Shire hills this morn while the South Wing gave a majestic yawn. I don't think I've ever been so disappointed to wake up in the Shire before, but I managed to expunge the feeling with a brisk walk.

Back in the real world, in this life controlled by contrived conventions, I have heard from the nun, though the news is not something that elated me. By chance, a certain man that I do not wish to see is returning for penance at the Convent over the summer.

I go because I wish to assuage any guilt from my misbehaviour, that and the old gossips love to talk about how I've 'let my family down' because I have yet to marry. The Convent certainly keeps them quiet and that is enough for me. I have to admit, that I too love the peace of mind, and teaching the children. Who'd have though, I'd ever have acquired a love of teaching?

But the Convent may be less of a Sanctuary this year if I have to put up with some unsavoury characters... I too may have to join them in penance! These thoughts are most un-Christian of me!

Talking of my dream has got me thinking of the Antipodes again, and my writing seems to have become most disjointed.

I want to go back. Not just for the Captain (who I have yet to hear from), but for myself. I feel that I left a part of me behind, and it's a vital part that I can't live without.

D. S. 

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Some things truly never change. Over the weekend I adjusted my attire for a frolic at a fete and the festivities were fantastic... Unfortunately, the ale flowed far too smoothly and when you're drinking something aptly named the Stinking Bishop, honestly there is only one way the night could end: nakedness.

I had the Duke's sister goading my bad behaviour, but it doesn't take much for me to instigate some sort of sordid naughtiness. Indian pipes were smoked, clothes were lost (and have yet to be found), women were straddled and in all it was a delightful evening! I thought I'd outgrown this sort of immaturity, but it alack, it seems not so!

In between all this scandal (some of which I have yet to tell my ladies, for of course they would not have allowed me to get so bolshie) I did find the time to send the Captain a letter. It talks of what we could have had, it talks of everything I've ever talked about when it comes to the Captain. I can't forget him, and though it may seem that I am doing everything in my power to ignore what my heart says I must do, all I think of is him.

But that can't stop me from living my life.

I am to return to Armiger and the City of Dreaming Spires tomorrow, and I can only hope the party atmosphere will ensue. Though with Armiger involved, I don't really expect anything else! I need to stop pining for the Captain. Or at least I need to wait to hear his reply. He was the first to speak to me, so why am I so nervous?

Actually, there was another romantic caller leaving a card for me... The Scottish laird has finally reappeared in my life, though we are both far too busy to reconvene any time soon. But I know he will remind me of my time in the Antipodes, and that in itself only reminds me of the Captain.

Ignoring life and its tribulations while intoxicated is surely a recipe for disaster (or at least a failed liver) but at the moment it seems that I no longer know how to do anything else, for fear I stare longingly out of a library window! 

D. S.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Another week has blurred past, though there are a few aspects that stand out... 

I visited Armiger in the City of Dreaming Spires and met some of his delightful friends. It was brilliant to catch up with him, it had been far too long and of course he was curious about my time in the Antipodes. I didn't even know where to begin, but it seemed that all I could talk about was the Captain. Indeed, a friend of Armiger's seemed most intrigued about the love-affair; asking poignant questions and giving me a few words of advice.

She was most adamant that I should heed the Captain's words and go back to the Antipodes if I could see a future with him. I do see a future with him, but who am I to choose how his life should pan out? He is too young to be making life-changing decisions, and that sort of commitment shouldn't be pressured by the distance we would still have to endure.

There is nothing I want more than to return to the country where I left my heart, for it truly felt more like home than this country. I do not begrudge the time I have spent in the Shire; this place has molded me into the person I am, but the Antipodes brought out the best in me... (And momentarily, the worst). But it was the Captain that made me see who it was that I wanted, and still want, to be.

Travelling seems to take up most of my time, for I journeyed to the Northern counties in the hope of seeing some close friends. I was pleasantly surprised to see that Rosinda was still accounted for and even more overwhelmed when the Duchess of Tuthershire made an appearance! We laughed and danced and compared notes about our travels, for she has just returned from a Grande Tour around the Eastern continents! I am most impressed with her stories, and relieved that nothing untoward happened while she did some soul searching.

She asked more about the Scottish laird than the Captain, for I think she is less than enamored with someone who could have put me through so much pain, but alas, there is very little to report so far. The Scottish laird has been rather quiet of late, and though I know he has a lot to attend to, I dislike feeling so neglected. I think all this talk of travel has made me somewhat nostalgic. I miss being in another country, I miss the brunette and our obsession with the beaches, I miss the off-chance of bumping into the Captain...

I do love being home, I love seeing everybody and I have never felt more loved by my friends. But this philial love is not enough. I want to be consumed by passion, I want to feel whole again.

But how can I when he is twelve thousand miles away?

D. S.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Who'd have thought the Captain would be the first to break?

I know I left him a note in the Antipodes with the brunette with one final goodbye and, I hope, the last of apologies, but I am barely home for three days and already I have heard from him! It was a fleeting comment, an apology of his own and the words I have longed to hear; I miss you, I have missed you for a long time.

My heart leapt at the thought of him, but more of what could have been, and a glimpse of what could be... I am in a turmoil as when to return to the Antipodes. I know I want to, but I can't seem to decide when! And, rightly so, Mother and Father are less than impressed with my talk of leaving when I have only just returned home! But the thought of returning and landing safely in the Captain's arms? Honestly I can't think of anywhere in the world I'd rather be.

Friday night is already a wee bit of a blur, though I know I was surrounded by my ladies of the Shire. The Baroness and Marquessa too joined me in my welcome back soirée, and I revelled in the attention and I cannot thank my friends enough for the love they give to me. How I have coped so long without them, I truly have no idea.

There was a slight blip on the evening's rather tranquil, hazy atmosphere. I spied a familiar looking coat in the crowds of people, the Marquessa did her utmost to shield me from my past lover, but there he was; the Duke. Tall, dark, handsome, regal and no longer enraptured with me it seems... How many years has it been? I daren't even consider him in my current affairs, but we shared a look; he seemed curious to know that I had returned, and though his engagement had been called off last we'd spoken, I saw her, his fiancé by his side, as if nothing had changed.

I'm glad they are happy, but I have moved on. I couldn't be happier, especially knowing that the Captain has me in his heart. 

Though I wonder for how long that will last?

D. S.

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Home sweet home. 

I don't know what I was worrying about; the Shire is everything I remember, everything I have forgotten and so much more! Seeing my ladies, knowing that nothing has changed as we laughed, reminisced and talked about the latest scandals was pure bliss after my harrowing journey home. 

I'd half hoped that the Captain would make an unexpected appearance as I left the Antipodes, but it seems fate has decided we are to be star-crossed lovers, unable to be together, or even say goodbye, because of a few thousand miles. I'd left a note with the brunette to give to the Captain, another apology though I'm sure he has had enough of those, but I couldn't leave with nothing to say.

Three days of travelling in solitude gives one a unique perspective on life. I met so many people on my journey, each of whom had an incredible story to tell. I was enraptured with princes and paupers, of travellers and fishwives. I know I have made mistakes, I am only human. I don't hate the person I am today, in this moment, so how can I say I have regrets?

The nun reminded me that I have always said live life with no regrets. My mistakes have made me who I am, and I am happy with myself, even if not with all of my decisions. I love the phrase a passing Frenchman whispered in my ear, 'que sera, sera'. It's so true, the world isn't going to stop turning because my heart is breaking. 

I love the Captain, I love the time we had together, I love all the memories I have of him. But now I'm twelve thousand miles away. Now I love my friends, my family, my Shire, my home. If he was here as a part of my life I'd love him all the more, but he's not. I'm not going to forget him. He'll always have a place in my heart; but as a memory that I unwrap on cold and lonely nights to remind me of what once was.

I get to spend the day with my dear ladies and catch up on all the gossip of the Duke, the Brewer, Armiger and the Court Jester... I love nothing more than to be with my friends, they do not judge, they do not hold grudges, they only love that I am home.

D. S.

Saturday, June 02, 2012

This is it; my final Antipodean musing, and as I write curled up in my bed, alone, with a few hours before I depart, I'm trying my best to look forward to my homecoming.

I could reflect on the past ten months and what I've learned, but in all honesty I know that there are many more mistakes to be made in the Shire. Hopefully not all of them will include heartbreak, for I fear I may not fall too easily after I know that there is all I need in one man, who will soon be 12,000miles away.

Saying goodbye to the Captain hurts tenfold. Mainly because I know he is not mine, and saying farewell because of the inevitable distance only solidifies the goodbye I had to say when I lost his love. I shall do my best to keep in touch with him, however loosely, because he cannot be forgotten in a hurry. Every sunset since that night reminds me of him, I know my friendship with the Coxswain back up North will remind me of the Captain, and cannot make love to a man without saying the Captain's name!

The brunette and I shed a tear at our au revoir last night. She is to stay in the Antipodes for an indefinite amount of time. I stole a kiss from her tender lips while her courtier looked the other way, and I shall miss her terribly. But I know I shall see her again, so it is only au revoir for now.

My family have yet to say goodbye as they are taking me to my final place of departure. We wined and dined last night and truly I shall miss them, and I hope they know how much I appreciate them for letting me stay with them for so long ~ Especially as it wasn't planned!

The brunette's cousin and friend, well they have said their goodbyes in fewer words, and despite my faults I do wish them well, even if forgiveness is too much to ask for.

I have yet to cry for the loss of my Nana ~ No, that is not strictly true. I have mourned her yes, but I haven't let the ache in my chest burst out in a torrent of emotion, yet. I am afraid that travelling home will only bring all these feelings to the surface, saying goodbye for ever is not something I ever hoped to have to do again.

In my head, the Shire is this glorious place, that lives somewhere over a rainbow, where the skies are always blue and the birds are singing merrily. Of course I want to go back, but this perfection is not attainable for me. I do not want to go home and feel inadequate after all that has happened this last year. I don't want to be a porcelain doll, placed on the mantelpiece and forgotten. 

Of course I can't wait to see my Ladies and the Brewer, Belle and Gameskeeper, but they'll have moved on with their lives while I've been away and I'm scared that I shall no longer fit in. I love to travel, I love making new friends, but my old friends, the ones that know my deepest, darkest secrets, without them, I am nothing. I just hope they feel the same way on my return!

D. S.