Saturday, June 02, 2012

This is it; my final Antipodean musing, and as I write curled up in my bed, alone, with a few hours before I depart, I'm trying my best to look forward to my homecoming.

I could reflect on the past ten months and what I've learned, but in all honesty I know that there are many more mistakes to be made in the Shire. Hopefully not all of them will include heartbreak, for I fear I may not fall too easily after I know that there is all I need in one man, who will soon be 12,000miles away.

Saying goodbye to the Captain hurts tenfold. Mainly because I know he is not mine, and saying farewell because of the inevitable distance only solidifies the goodbye I had to say when I lost his love. I shall do my best to keep in touch with him, however loosely, because he cannot be forgotten in a hurry. Every sunset since that night reminds me of him, I know my friendship with the Coxswain back up North will remind me of the Captain, and cannot make love to a man without saying the Captain's name!

The brunette and I shed a tear at our au revoir last night. She is to stay in the Antipodes for an indefinite amount of time. I stole a kiss from her tender lips while her courtier looked the other way, and I shall miss her terribly. But I know I shall see her again, so it is only au revoir for now.

My family have yet to say goodbye as they are taking me to my final place of departure. We wined and dined last night and truly I shall miss them, and I hope they know how much I appreciate them for letting me stay with them for so long ~ Especially as it wasn't planned!

The brunette's cousin and friend, well they have said their goodbyes in fewer words, and despite my faults I do wish them well, even if forgiveness is too much to ask for.

I have yet to cry for the loss of my Nana ~ No, that is not strictly true. I have mourned her yes, but I haven't let the ache in my chest burst out in a torrent of emotion, yet. I am afraid that travelling home will only bring all these feelings to the surface, saying goodbye for ever is not something I ever hoped to have to do again.

In my head, the Shire is this glorious place, that lives somewhere over a rainbow, where the skies are always blue and the birds are singing merrily. Of course I want to go back, but this perfection is not attainable for me. I do not want to go home and feel inadequate after all that has happened this last year. I don't want to be a porcelain doll, placed on the mantelpiece and forgotten. 

Of course I can't wait to see my Ladies and the Brewer, Belle and Gameskeeper, but they'll have moved on with their lives while I've been away and I'm scared that I shall no longer fit in. I love to travel, I love making new friends, but my old friends, the ones that know my deepest, darkest secrets, without them, I am nothing. I just hope they feel the same way on my return!

D. S.