Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I am home. Or rather my surrogate home in the City of Sails, the Antipodes. Not the Shire. Not yet, though only a few short days separate me from my final departure and my homecoming.

My sojourn South has ended, as have the fleeting fornications with the gentleman from the Promised Land and the Singer. It was a torrid goodbye, passions were riled, and as I watched the landscapes disappear behind me, I let the tears trickle down my face; I do not know when I shall see those dear to me again. 

But there was little time to reflect on the last few days activities as I barely had the time to change before getting ready for my farewell Ball. I hate hurrying more than I despise waiting, so of course I was in the least amusing mood, and I couldn't think straight. I had a guilty feeling and I couldn't think why...

It was wonderful to see everyone of course, though there were a few notably missing faces, and if I hadn't been so exhausted I'd have revelled in the attention. But as it were, my energy had been sapped from a long night of loving, and my mind was elsewhere as I waited to see the Captain. Only to be bitterly disappointed.

The brunette's friend, one whom I've held dear to me these past months but whose advances have been rejected, made it clear to me why the Captain was not around and gave voice to my guilty emotions. Apparently, the previous night, while I was still in a lieu with the philosophers I'd couriered two identical notes of intimate longing to BOTH the Captain and the brunette's friend. Embarrassing is an understatement.

What makes it worse is that I can't ignore the feelings... I love the Captain but I have no more love to give him. I'm sure he could argue that I've given him nothing, but I gave him the opportunity to change me and he rejected it. But the friend of the brunette? I have stayed with him a few times, and always argued the case that because he is friends with the Captain it would be wrong... It seems that when I am intoxicated I'd rather satisfy the longing of the flesh than of the heart. But that doesn't mean to say I don't care about him. It's just different with the Captain, though clearly my body disagrees and only wants carnal satisfaction.

Indeed I believe even the brunette is not impressed with my latest behaviour. She knows about the gentleman from the Promised Land, she is also not surprised by the singer joining us for she too has made use of more Sapphic love. But she gave me the most disapproving look after I fell into the arms of the nameless paramour after her friend gave me the news of my humiliating mistake.

That was not planned, it just happened and I don't regret waking up next to him... I do regret the reason why however. I do regret everything to do with the Captain, except for the good. Though it is heavily weighted against me. I regret that it's taking me longer to change and be the person I want to be, rather than the person I am.

I don't want to leave. I know that much. Five days. Can I earn forgiveness in only five days when some people aren't forgiven for a lifetime? 

D. S.