Saturday, May 29, 2010

An impromptu visit home has been far more beneficial than I thought it would be. I feel so much more healthy and relaxed with the prospect of summer just around the corner. How I wish I had more to look forward to than spending the season in the North trying to be the epitome of the 'accomplished woman'.

I can't believe how much I am appreciating being home; I didn't realise how stressed I was and what with all the ridiculous theatrics that have become overwhelming I guess it's not that surprising! My Mother of course is harping on at me to catch a husband, as if it were that simple, and that sounds so unappealing, as if I'd have to wrestle with a fish! At least she acquiesced to my horror at the thought of an arranged marriage. I am only twenty, marriage hardly enters my thoughts - only love... Lust.

Speaking of which, my parents have taken on the task of expanding the South Wing and the entire manor is crawling with delectable specimens of the male form. The Head Architect has definitely managed to capture my attention, although I don't think Mother would approve if I started fraternising with the staff... But of course that makes it so much more tempting.

The Marquessa and I had lunch together yesterday, she is just back from her travels in Ireland. Unfortunately the suspicious situation with her family has been ignored rather than resolved, and that they are moving location yet again makes me worry about their finances. How I wish I could convince her to move up North with me just for the rest of the season!

Correspondence with the Duke has dwindled, I supposed I should be grateful as it means he doesn't conquer my thoughts nor cloud my judgements, yet if I thought there were a chance maybe I wouldn't make so many rash decisions... However, I do know that he is making a pilgrimage with his sister from John O'Groats to Land's End. Hopefully I will be able to appear with the final entourage as he arrives at his final destination, I might even get to meet the competition.

I am looking forward to my final stay up North, though I know that the majority of people won't be around, but maybe that will be a blessing in disguise?

D. S.

Monday, May 10, 2010

I'm sitting in the library, staring out of the window trying to understand how this turmoil came around. It must have been lurking in the shadows for quite some time now just waiting for my most vulnerable moment. Or have I just become so accustomed to the furore that is my life that I accepted it without a moment's thought? Unfortunately I think the latter might be more apt.

The last few months have been a haze of parties and alcohol, a lifestyle that I never expected to embrace with such ease, but nevertheless I am having more trouble than I thought in ending this phase of my life. This is the start of a new week, one that I have vowed will not include any alcohol or any other deviants.

I suppose I should keep you up to date with the latest scandals, but honestly my head hurts just thinking about them. You know how I hate secrets, I would so much prefer everything to be out in the open, but there are those who judge and cannot hide the scorn from their eyes. I cannot claim to be innocent of judgement of course, yet I feel that with the torrid affair and the various suitors that I have entertained my judgement is my only saving grace? No that's not right, but with so much contempt and disregard flung my way, the only protection I can muster is my own judgement. (Even though I know full well that I bring my own judgements on myself.)

On a slightly separate note it seems that the couples have all disintegrated before my very eyes. I can't even imagine being able to comprehend their pain, it seems that my own heart turned to stone many years ago, but it does make life difficult with social functions. I only hope that there is something good to come out of all this drama because it has been long enough!

Speaking of my lack of heart, the Duke and I have been corresponding ever since the Winter in the Shire. It seems his parents have found him the perfect wife, some Lady Caroline, and they are to be wed in the summer. I dread to think of the spectacle that will become, with the entire County invited just for show. Of course I will go and give the support that my dear Duke deserves but no more than that. We have decided that once they are married any correspondence between the Duke and I will have to become more formal for risk of another affair. I know that my wily charms could seduce him, but I want more than to be his mistress and as long as I know that in my heart I am happy with my decision.

Farewell for now, I feel that I need to do something more productive today than just look out at the sunshine. And seeing as it has now been a whole two days without the delights of alcohol I need another distraction.

D. S.