Saturday, March 31, 2012

I have travelled further south than ever before, nearly on the cusp of the Antipodes and for what feels like the first time in my life, I can truly appreciate and delight in freedom.

Travelling alone gives you a different perspective on life and the people I have met while on this journey have touched me in ways I didn't even think possible. The countryside is unbelievable; remarkable mountains and lakes, views that are breathtaking and give you a sense of fulfilment.

Not only is this part of the country awe-inspiring, but the attitude to life is so relaxed. It's a far cry from the conventions of the Shire and though I was terribly misbehaved this time last year I don't have a sense of guilt as I party the nights away down here.

The way I feel right now makes me realise I am not in love with the English gentleman. Nor could I fall in love with him... This sounds rather drastic after my last post all about love, but I know now that I am comfortable with him because in the back of my mind I think that is how I am supposed to feel. 

I should know better than that.

He is everything I should want in a man, but I know that I am not the woman for him... I'm trying to mould myself into his ideal and that is a far-cry from the woman that I am. 

I have made some close friends in the last few days. When travelling you are a lot more open and honest with complete strangers. A Swedish princess delighted me with her tales of the snow in the frozen North and several Scottish lairds have kept me entertained throughout the days and nights.

One Scottish laird in particular gave me pause for thought; the way he made me feel after one conversation was more than I think I've felt at all for the English gentleman. I don't know what I will do when I get back to the city. I'm not sure if it's worth carrying on the charade of our relationship, or if seeing the English gentleman will persuade my feelings otherwise.

All I know is that I am having the time of my life, I don't know if I will ever want to leave, and I can't imagine going home now...

D. S.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

What does love mean to you?

I used to think it was a passionate, all consuming fire that sparked when you found 'the one'. Where being in love made it impossible to think of anyone else and you were constantly longing for their touch. That's what I thought love should be. That's what I've been searching for.

But what if I was wrong? What if the love that I'm searching for is a more comfortable, more relaxed feeling? Love that feels like coming home not an adventure; as if I've reached the destination not still traipsing along on an unknown journey....

The English gentleman ignites a passion in the bedroom but I do not long for him the same way I did for the Captain. I know I am not in love with the English gentleman, yet if I do fall for him I still think that the love I'd feel for him would be of the latter comprehension. The passion wouldn't diminish I can guarantee that much, but I already feel like I've been with him my whole life. It sounds silly but the English gentleman completes me in a way that I never thought needed completion. I am content, I am happy... I just hope it lasts so that I can truly admit to these feelings. 

I have spent a lot of time with my family and talking to my darlings in the Shire. I miss Armiger more than I care to admit and Belle too. There is not too long to wait until I return home, only two and a half months, but still every now and again that pang for home sits on my chest. 

But until then I have the English gentleman, he is my home away from home. And I shall miss him as I travel South tomorrow for my own adventure... Even the brunette was surprised at my commitment to my time alone, but I am young and free... As free as I want to be and though I care for the English gentleman I value my independence more. 


D. S.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

It should come as no surprise that behaving was not on my agenda for the past week. I have practically lived with the English gentleman, only leaving his bedchamber for an hour or two to bask in the glorious sunshine... Or to enjoy our activities outside!

That silly smile has yet to leave my face and I've received all manner of compliments as to a certain glow I am unwittingly bestowing. I am not yet sure whether I have completely fallen for this English gentleman's charm. He has everything I desire and, even more importantly, he takes great pleasure in my pleasure, but I do not want to confuse lust with love. 

He tells me I am very attentive, an adjective that is not part of my usual accolade, but doesn't put up with my teasing without a retaliation of his own. We are evenly matched in most aspects of our lives and his ambition is something that I find truly irresistible. I care not for analysing our current relationship too much for I'd rather just enjoy the time the two of us have together. 

(Though I have taken note that we are both returning to our homeland in three months, so the distance should not pose a problem.)

I do have a week to myself in the near future where I journey through the heart of the Antipodes and further South than I have ever been before! I am looking forward to my time alone to reflect on the last few months and I hope to catch up on my writing.  

The English gentleman is so relaxed that he is encouraging me to take the time off and travel on my own (Mother would have a fit!) and though this may seem careless, his confidence and independence only make him that much more attractive. 

Our only slightly fraught tête à tête was when I let slip about my relationship with the brunette. The English gentleman was less than impressed to say the least. It's not something that I planned on doing again, but then I never planned to explore Sapphic love in the first place, but he has made it quite clear that he shall not be encouraging that behaviour.

I'm not very good at being told what to do, but something about him makes me want to obey, with no churlish response... Maybe I am growing up after all! Or just falling for him...


D. S.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

I talk about falling in and out of love as if I know what that means. I've fallen in lust more times than I can count and it's often difficult to discern one from the other... 

When it came to the Duke I was so young. I hadn't any experience of men and how they could make me feel. It was an innocent love that sparked and took years to dissipate but my most recent interests have been soul-consuming in slightly different ways. 

The musician and the Head Architect both meant a lot to me; the former still plays in my mind when I think of the Northern county and the fun I had with him, the Gameskeeper, Belle and the Brewer. However, I believe that because I had to fight to try and win him over so many times I continued fighting for him long after I should have...

More so, since I have moved to the Antipodes, has my heart been startled into caring for unsuitable lovers. The Captain's age and stature was not befitting for someone like me, a Duchess. He was undeniably adept at courting me and I do think any future companion of his will be incredibly fortunate. But I cannot begin to imagine that jealousy. He has flitted through my mind long enough and I appreciate more than ever that the English gentleman has jumped to attention and has come to his senses. 

We shared a series of frustrated words a few days ago, but more than anything it was to do with our ever-increasing want for each other. Though the nights without him were long and lonely it was worth the wait. We strolled across the beach hand in hand as if nothing had crossed us, a silent smirk mirrored across our faces as the waves lapped at our feet. A caress across my cheek as the English gentleman moved a strand of hair behind my ear was enough to set my passions on fire. I could barely control myself when he began kissing my neck and it was all we could do to make it back to his abode.

I cannot deny that I have had a smile on my face for the whole day and I am now counting down the hours until I get to see him again. Yet there have been a few niggling doubts as to whether time between the sheets was the most appropriate way to begin this new relationship, all over again. 

Who knows. I am constantly making mistakes... So much so that I took the liberty of stealing a kiss from the brunette the other night and caused quite the confrontation with her current beau. I forget about acceptable behaviour on this side of the world. I am so used to my Shire ladies and gentleman knowing and expecting imprudent behaviour from me, and it is no secret in the North that I am fond of partying until the wee hours of the morn.  But the Antipodes still has that old-fashioned, quaint naivety that I remember from years passed... I'll try and behave... But then again, why start now?

D. S.

Monday, March 05, 2012

The sun is shining and the crickets are chirping but for some reason my thoughts are otherwise occupied. 

I do usually suffer from an overtly sanguine temperament; my happy disposition is what many people say is their favourite quality of mine (for sure it could not be my decision making skills!) but today I am feeling rather gloomy. No, that has too many negative connotations. I suppose the word I'm looking for is pensive, contrary to my more regular lackadaisical approach to looking before I leap!

It's not the Shire I'm pining for, nor my darlings Ladies - I miss them no more nor less than usual - but I wonder about the future and my place in it. I'm curious to know out of the acquaintances I've made in the Antipodes who will last the distance of twelve-thousand miles, and an unknown time-frame.

I cannot pretend I don't want to return to the Antipodes; I feel that I'm half way to making a home here. I know I already have a life here, but I'm still in Limbo, deciphering the smallest details and ignoring the bigger picture. I need something concrete to make me want to stay here. I have family here but I cannot stay with them forever. I have friends here but no one who knows all my secrets. My heart is floating along while I flounder, afraid to make any commitment and to ask anyone for any more knowing that I only have three months left.

The English gentleman has been rather scarce this past week, both of us lead busy lives and are too stubborn to be the first to back down! I also don't know what I want from him. He started off being more than perfect but now I've seen a slightly different side to him I'm not sure I want to continue down this road... 

Plus it seems that the Captain's new lover was nothing more than a ruse. I bumped into him the other night and as per usual my throat closed up and the only way to ignore the feelings I still have for him was to drink my sorrows into oblivion. Although, to be fair to him he was, as always, the sweetheart that I fell in love with. 

Sometimes I wish he wasn't the man that he is; that after all this time I could see through the caring façade and see a flaw, even a single one, which would make me feel better about losing him. But no. He is nothing but smiles, even when I get angry (though it's at myself, not at him) and he is careful to keep me at arm's length so I don't expect any more from him. And I don't. I know I've lost him. 

I'm smiling at the dappled light around me. Maybe he does have a flaw. He doesn't give second chances. Not that I deserve one, but if I were him I'd have taken me back... And no doubt have got hurt all over again. How can I call self-preservation a flaw? I know my flaws, for there are many, but my worst is my inability to fall out love.

D. S.

Thursday, March 01, 2012

I think I may have paid the price for putting the English gentleman to the test. For two days he did ignore me, nothing did I hear, not a single word. However he did redeem himself slightly by paying me an impromptu visit and dazzling me with his smile. 

Where this relationship is going I have yet to determine. The English gentleman blows hot and cold and I hate not knowing where I stand with him. But before I give in to his caresses and acquiesce to my body's desires I have to establish certain boundaries. The two of us have similar tendencies towards relationships. There is no point in starting something if it doesn't have a future. Fortunately we are both from the Isles and are returning home at similar times, however, how can I justify my longing for someone I've only known for a few weeks?

Some rather alarming news has been heard through the grapevine about a certain Captain who I'd prefer not to talk about... Nevertheless, it seems that he has found a new lover already (I cannot count nor compare my liaisons when nothing physical or emotional has happened... yet) and although I feel a pang of jealousy, it's more of a sadness. I truly have lost my chance.

The explorer has kept his distance since we met last week and though I thought we matched quite well with out arrogant personalities I feel I may have to be the one to instigate a further friendship. There must be something wrong with me that I find arrogance and ambition so attractive, but I cannot resist either trait. They are more of an aphrodisiac than the most chocolate covered strawberry...
I had a wonderful letter from the Gameskeeper this morning and I miss him more than I care to admit. He is an absolute darling and I truly wish he would return to the Antipodes for a few more nights of debauchery. Armiger too sent his love and I hope that he has the most wonderful birthday tomorrow and knows how much I wish I could be with him. I could not ask for better friends, and though I love living in the Southern hemisphere, it is those lifelong friendships that I miss more than anything. 

Not long now. Only three months to go!

D. S.