Sunday, February 26, 2012

Well I certainly put the English gentleman to the test last night! Unfortunately, over the last few days we managed to quarrel somewhat; he is afraid that we are not going to see each other enough!

I suppose I should be touched that he wants me in his life that much, but honestly I value my independence and have always been forthwith about that fact. I was angry with him on Thursday for sending my a simple note that said 'we're not going to work, are we?' 

Angry is an understatement. I was furious. But not upset. Though we have moved passed the issue (I hope) and I stayed at his last night - but without giving into my body's desires - I'm still not sure how I feel about him. When I am with him I don't think about anything or anyone else. However, when I am left to my own devices my mind wanders and I know my heart isn't tied to his... Maybe he can sense the distance and that's why he wants to see more of me. 

Someone who did make me smile though was the ever-so-interesting explorer. It seems we have much in common and I thoroughly enjoyed conversing with him. He taught me many things, a favourite quote of his was, 'you can't have virtue without sin' and it has been playing on my mind ever since... 

I miss the brunette.

She has been spending her days with her new beau and of course I am happy for them, but I don't like sharing at the best of times. She, more than anyone, should at least know that after the Irish cream incident...

I'm just a little frustrated with life at the moment. I can't make up my mind as to what I want, nor who I want! Decision making is truly not a virtue of mine!

D. S.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Thursday night with the English gentleman was wonderful. We danced the night away, a smile on each of our lips as we gazed into each others eyes. I met some of his friends, not more English gents, but rather natives of the Antipodes, which certainly has broadened my horizons somewhat.

The brunette was around that night but neither of us were willing to leave our beaux for long enough to have much of a conversation. It's rather silly how men can change us from strong, independent women, to simpering fools who wait longingly for the caress of our lovers.

I don't mean to sound so sardonic. I am happy with the English gentleman and I hope it progresses to something more. At least Mother would be pleased that I hadn't come home with a native! I know that is a horror of hers.

Though a week has passed I cannot for the life of me think what has happened. There have been delightful excursions and I met some interesting people. An explorer from the New World has mostly stayed in my hazy memory. We talked of many things, fools and kings, but it was his insight that truly had an impact on me.

His stories are most interesting and I look forward to seeing him again, for his anecdotes don't make me long for home, unlike when the English gentleman and I converse.

Oh yes, I too had an incident with the olive-skinned brunette's friend. Once again I was a little too friendly and apparently this was an indication for him to make physical advances! I put him in his place, again, and refused, but I miss the boisterous behaviour of my Shire gents back home who don't expect or want anything more than friendship. And my Northern men who respect my every decision. Men here in the Antipodes are less likely to listen to when you say no and I do find it a little disconcerting.

There is talk of a journey further South for a few weeks. I think it may be a good idea to get out of the city and see some more of the countryside. And it may also make me realise that I have a good thing with the English gentleman and put him to the test...

D. S.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

A dull moment is just what I need after the week I've had, but why start now?

The brunette has barely left my side, though it seems she has acquired a new beau of sorts, and unlike her previous liaisons this looks to be a little more serious and somewhat permanent... I did say I wouldn't talk about her much after her obsessive behaviour over me but she has mellowed over the past two months and honestly I don't know where I'd be without her now. 

She has been my crutch while I cried my eyes out over a certain recently-turned-nineteen-year-old rower, and bolstered me to meet new men when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball in my bedchamber and feel sorry for myself.

Yet again the Captain and I are at odds and unsurprisingly it is from my own doing.

I spoke too soon.

A weekend walk amongst the waves, during the witching hour, began my demise as I couldn't ignore the longing in my chest... I had to discourage the Captain's advances, my heartache cannot take midnight kisses if they are to lead nowhere. Words were said that cannot be unheard and the Captain and I are no more. Again.

I did have the pleasure of the English gentleman on Valentine's Day... A stark contrast to last year! We shared many a story about our homeland and I have become rather attached to his outlandish personality. I could not have asked for a better distraction and seemingly though my men disappear rather suddenly at least my timing for a new one cannot be faulted!

I shall be seeing him tonight and I know he shall not disappoint me. I need someone to love just as much as everyone else... And the brunette's friend, though a wonderful one at that, is nothing more than a friend. I have a little soft spot for him, and I would hate to lose him. But there is no spark between us.

No more writing about the Captain from now on. I have moved on. Or at least I will do.

D. S.

Friday, February 10, 2012

My body is racked with pain and I have taken on a sanguine hue as well as my usual temperament after a day spent on the beach.

A day of relaxation with my most enamoured friend the brunette was the perfect remedy to the last few days. Not only have I had the pleasure of the Captain's company once again, but I met a fellow English gentleman who intends to sweep me off my feet. These three are the most important relationships that have blossomed in the last few days, the rest are merely fleeting.

Actually no, not quite. There is another whom has made an impact; the friend of the brunette's. He has become quite the reliable tease, always there when you need him and full of everyone else's gossip. I don't know where she found him, but he makes me laugh and I feel completely at ease with him. I have, however, definitely ruled out any sort of tumble with him, I don't think it is what either of us are looking for.

The English gentleman too, is not quite the tumble I thought he could be at first glance. No one, as of yet, has measured up to the Captain and because of this he still holds my heart. Nonetheless, the English gentleman is intriguing and of course we have much to discuss of one's social circle's back on our wonderful English soil.

I don't think he can take the Captain's place - just as no one has yet replaced the musician or the Duke - but he is more of a distraction than a purely physical relationship would be.

The brunette is embroiled in her own web of love and lies, and I hope that the situation is resolved sooner rather than later. I was wrong to get jealous of her pending friendship with the Captain. There is nothing there that I could accuse them of, and of course I know I only have myself to blame if he does run into her, or anyone else's arms.

I do hope to see both the Captain and the English gentleman again in the next few days. I don't want to sound crass and say 'out with the old and in with the new' because I don't want to get rid of the Captain. I wouldn't have given the English gentleman a second look if I'd managed to win back the Captain by now. But it seems he is rather stubborn and I am a victim of my own mistakes, he is truly making me take the consequences of my actions.

No one could ever accuse the Antipodes of having a dull moment.


D. S.

Monday, February 06, 2012

The most obscure thing happened to me the other night. I ended up with the brunette yet again, but at a soirée up on the cliffs of the Northlands over looking the beautiful sea. It took me a while to recognise my surroundings but after a short panic I saw the Captain's abode through the trees. The Antipodes may be a stunning country but it is far too small compared to the cities that I am used to.

What are the chances I would end up near where I unwittingly ended my laconic relationship with the Captain after the Rowing Ball?

A part of me thinks that the brunette had it planned in order to shock me into an inebriated stupor. She is devious and cunning, but this felt more like fate. A sharp reminder of what I lost. Every time I think I am completely over the Captain I get a little jolt that reminds me of what could have been.

Terribly melodramatic I know, but I was shaking like a leaf when I realised where I was. Even though I have seen the Captain in the last few weeks and we've established a friendship,  it is still somewhat tenuous.

There is also a small matter of a few other suitors and I'm not quite sure what to make of them. The latest is a friend of the brunette's and though he is sarcastic and witty I'm not sure he can handle the little emotions I have to offer. I just don't see him in a romantic light, though I wouldn't mind a little bit of a tumble, but he has this look in his eye that speaks volumes. I don't truly think he knows what he's getting himself in to, but I'm not one to say no... 

Then there are those who keep further afield but whose attentions haven't gone unnoticed. I can only smile and nod while they try and convince me of their love, but it isn't their love I want. I want solid friendships here in the Antipodes. Friendships that can go the distance for when I leave... I am at the midway point of my travels, and so far the Captain and brunette, though she is a Northern county lass, are the only two to have captured my full attention.

I shall have to wait and see what happens in the next few weeks. I must control my urges and make more of an effort to maintain friendships. Especially the few that I have here.


D. S.