Wednesday, December 26, 2012

I do hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! I know I enjoyed the mulled wine, mince pies, carols and company of my family immensely, even when they are driving me around the twist. It's all a part of Christmas, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Of course I have more to write about than Christmas tidings; the blonde Esquire has kept true to his word regarding his intention to court me; the White Knight seems to have left my life with a noble farewell for the last time; and the New Year is just around the corner!

The past week has been filled with much merriment, and the blonde Esquire has provided the majority of the entertainment. We have dined and danced and dallied with all our spare time in the hope to appease his Mother. I have yet to meet her, but I have heard from the Esquire she is pleased with his progress. I wonder how long we will have to keep up this artificial pretense, but for now I am enjoying spending time with the blonde; we scheme and laugh without a care in the world. It is delightfully refreshing to spend time with someone without having to worry whether or not their intentions are true, or indeed having to behave as expected!

The White Knight however returned and made his purpose quite plain. He is to leave again for some battle abroad but hoped to return to a wife and the mother of his child. I was aghast at his presumption, and told him so quite smartly... We exchanged a fair few words and we both left each other with our egos bruised. I don't know what came over him; I was quite looking forward to his return. How was I to know that it was marriage he wanted?

I have, in the mean time, heard once again from the Captain. It is most sporadic but I do smile when I receive such correspondence. However I fear that time and distance have taken its toll on our feelings for one another. I will always remember him fondly and maybe... In the future? I shan't give up hope completely.

But now I have to plan the New Years Eve festivities (and of course consider my resolutions) and decide what theme, what invitations and what scandals may or may not occur. The blonde Esquire has given me his word that he shall attend as to whatever Ball I may throw, and Belle has written to say she shall join us in the Shire. I look forward to Armiger's company this afternoon and I do hope this, the final week of the year, has fewer surprises than the penultimate.

D. S.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Not a day had passed since my last post when I received a long-awaited correspondence from the gallivanting White Knight. My thoughts have been plagued with decisions (something we all know I find troublesome at the very least) and I have busied myself with Christmas antics so as to distract my thoughts.

The blonde stranger took a rather unexpected turn over these past few weeks; I expected to hear very little of him, or from him, but it seems he had other ideas. The very same day the White Knight blasted his presence back into my life after weeks of neglect, the blonde stranger showed up on my doorstep, most impromptu, and stole me away for several hours... What we did, well I shall not share all, but I've discovered his stature and his intentions.

The blonde stranger is of landed gentry, an Esquire of the Shire, who had heard through the rumour-mill that two Ladies had ventured out into the big wide world on their own. At first I was a little tentative, for he kept the truth hidden behind an innocently coy charm, but he was not shy and he kept a most respectful distance (to start off with).

Apparently his Mother had sent him to court either of the Duchesses so as to woo their hearts and confirm a betrothal in order to gain a higher standing in court. I was surprised by his honesty, shocked that his Mother had such a hidden agenda planned out for her son, but after talking it through... It is exactly what every daughter is subject to from the moment she is born.

Of course I asked why he had been so honest with me, I could comprehend his Mother's cunning scheme, but his honesty? That was almost disturbing! Was it just a ruse to get closer to me? How had he made his choice between the Duke's sister and myself? Did he see me as an easy target?

Affronted, I tore away from him, marching down the garden path back to my home, but the blonde Esquire soon caught me in his arms, staring down into my eyes, his hands upon my body felt natural and almost familiar. I attempted to struggle against his firm hold, but to no avail; I eventually had to give up, short breaths escaping from my open mouth in exhaustion.

He smiled at me, and kissed the tip of my nose. Of course I motioned to refute his advances, but he stopped me with a finger held to my lips and said, 'I don't want to marry you. I don't feel the need to increase my social standing. I love my freedom, I love my family, I love my Mother. I don't want to disappoint her by not trying to make you fall in love with me, but I also don't want to run the risk that you may end up getting hurt.'

The blonde Esquire sighed heavily and let me go, turning away from me. I stared at him, willing him to go on, as I tried to catch his eye.

'You could cause me a lot of trouble Duchess, but if you trust me, and I know I'm asking a lot, I do have a plan that may suit both of us.'

He held out his hand, and who am I to refuse the plight of a young man?

It was soon after our rendez vous that I received word from the White Knight, but I am finding it easier to ignore his beckoning. I cannot jump every time he calls my name.

Of course this plan with the blonde Esquire may go awry: we are to start courting in the run up to Christmas, we shall spend time together and appease his Mother in his valiant attempt to gain my heart. But after a few months, we shall have an awful row about another woman he has been fraternising with behind my back and then that shall be all.

Personally I am looking forward to the challenge!

D. S. 

Monday, December 10, 2012

Oh how I do love the Christmas festivities! Everyone seems to be in such jolly moods and there is goodwill to all men. Of course I am referring specifically to the time spent at the Christmas Ball on Friday night, but I shall get to that, eventually.

I had the most wondrous pleasure of the Court Jester in the City of Dreaming Spires last week; we dined and talked as if no time at all had passed since our last encounter, little realising that over a year had slipped by. We talked of many things, fools and kings, both in our retinue and those further abroad. I do hope we will manage to coordinate our lives accordingly so as to spend more time together than we have done previously.

However upon my return to the Shire, my ladies were all a flutter about the ever approaching Ball. I cannot deny that my heart was in my chest; not only because this would be my first outing as an independent woman, standing on my own two feet, but secondly I'd had another glimpse of the blonde stranger... Intrigued would be such an understatement!

I cannot say what it is that beguiles me, but I am drawn to his 'je ne sais quoi', the knowing smile is ever so tantalising and yet, he does not mean to make it easy for me. I daren't ask his name, for fear that the spell will be broken.

Thinking of brokenness only hardens my heart: I read somewhere that if you are in love with two people you should always choose the second, for if you were truly in love with the first, you would never have fallen in love with the second. As much as I long for the Captain, he is somewhat displaced within my thoughts. I think of him almost carelessly, like the words to a much loved and much heard song; a lullaby that will never be forgotten, but is all too soon grown out of...

Ahh yes, the Christmas Ball. I was on my best behaviour (for a change) and enjoyed the game the blonde stranger played with me; catching my eye and making me blush! The subtle flirtations were rather hushed compared to my more brazen approach, but I do enjoy the chase and the indication of what is to come!

Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I, for I cannot get the anonymous blonde out of my head, and for some silly reason his every mention makes me smile... 

D. S.

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Hedonism is judged of poor repute by most in society, an over-indulgent, self-imposed, ill-disciplined waste of time. Personally, I don't quite see what's wrong with living for the moment, it doesn't have to be taken to extremes, but I can't understand the necessity to worry about the future when we have very little control over our lives anyway!

Last weekend was wonderful; dancing until the early hours of the morn, challenging our new found neighbours to deplorable acts, sharing stolen moments that cannot yet be repeated and laughing mercilessly at nothing in particular.

The soirée was a little more exuberant than the Duke's sister and I had first intended, but isn't that always the way? It is nigh on impossible to have a 'quiet night in' with friends!! Or at least with the friends that we have!

Our neighbours have easily been included in this circle of familiarity; a Lord and Lady live the closest, and they are somewhat more sensible than the Duke's sister and myself, but I did catch a glimpse of mischief in their eyes as they petted their enormous hound. A gorgeous bitch from the Continent, she contrasts slightly with the smaller pooches I am used to, but she is full of the joy of life, and what's there not to like about that?

Indeed all our guests were most entertaining, regaling tales of the Shire that even I was unaware of! It seems there is scandal wherever you may look, most of it unfounded, but the rumours, gossip and lies are easily spread, like a virus with no purpose other than a cause for destruction.

I feel those who fall in its path for I remember what it is like (after the incident with the Irish cream...) to have rumours follow you; and I can imagine it is only made worse when there is no substance to the truth of it! Those who are pathetic enough to make up rumours surely need to find something more constructive to do with their over active imaginations?

But I shall not dwindle on about untruths for there is something FAR more exciting to talk about...

An invitation to a Christmas Ball!

Who am I to refuse the delectable sights and sounds of the Shire when my name is printed upon gilt paper, tempting and taunting me to go and enjoy myself? Of course I shall attend, I look forward to the company of a blonde stranger from last weekend, and I can't wait to dress up for the festive season.

Indeed I intend to travel to the City of Dreaming Spires today to find a suitable dress and hopefully spend some time with the Court Jester and Armiger!

D. S.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Curled up in my bed, staring out of the window of my new home at the vastly different surroundings may take longer to get used to than I'd first anticipated. I have no complaints, no queries, no qualms; I still know I made the right decision, but the house is eerily quiet for just two ladies.

It's most interesting to learn who are those who live closest to us. I've never before had neighbours that I didn't know from childhood, and indeed the closest neighbours that there are to my parents' home are family members! So I am excited to hear about the people living in similar environments to the Duke's sister and myself. From what I've heard there are gentlemen of parallel repute, and indeed there may be a Lord and a soldier or two closer than I expected.

We plan to throw a soirée to introduce ourselves to the area, champagne and tequila (a burning drink from the Continent, to be taken with lemon and salt, of all things!) are a must as I do hope to dazzle and shine as the perfect hostess.

My mind and heart do turn to the Southern hemisphere as I fondly remember my time there, especially as the winter nights draw ever closer and the temperature begins to chill your very bones. I miss the beaches, the late night rendez vous, the passion that the Antipodeans had coursing through their veins. I miss the Captain, with his ever ready laugh and his never-ending enthusiasm for the outdoors, and for constantly trying something new.

I miss his zest for life.

But I do love my life here in the Shire. I love my independence, I love the role I play in society; I love that my decisions are based purely on my wants and needs, with no one to answer to, nor anyone asking for an explanation.

Waking up late, never going to sleep, drinking at all hours and self-satisfaction are my main priorities. Of course, I am still in the process of searching for a worthy artiste to dote my patronage with, but the time will come, and until then I plan to live life as if every day were my last.

D. S. 

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Recently I've had days merge into mere times passing, never having any individual significance of their own; however these past few days have been more than memorable.

As a Patroness I have acquired a certain esteem and prestige that I look to maintain, and the next step was to acquire a household of my own standing without the help of my parents!

Fortunately there was another of my stature who was in a similar predicament; namely the Duke's sister. Together we decided that we would be able to conquer the mounting bureaucracy and effectively trivial but numerous tribulations, instead of fighting on our own.

Of course we were correct. Within days we had found the perfect abode to house the two of us, and only after the papers were signed and the servants unpacked our belongings, were we, or rather, are we able to spend our first night together!

Our aesthetic tastes may differ somewhat, but our personalities are more alike than the Duke's sister would care to admit, and I revel in the thought of the first soirée de maison that we can throw for all our friends and family.

To live without a chaperone, without a husband or family... That is quite the step, especially someone of my reputation (or perhaps because of my reputation) but the Duke's sister has given me the chance to explore my non-existent sensibilities and deep sensualities that I had never before even considered. Somehow, she has managed to conserve her own respectability (despite her behaviour) so she is classed far beneath my level of notoriety, (or is that above?).

Nonetheless, the two of us have a clean slate to start from and I look forward to the next journey of my life immensely.

D. S. 

Monday, November 19, 2012

What a weekend!

The Gameskeeper, Brewer and musician lived up to every memory I could have possibly had of them while living in the North and surpassed even my expectations. It wasn't all fun and games though as I learned two things over the weekend: All-day drinking does terrible things to you and some people will never change.

Fortunately, I love that the Brewer, musician and Gameskeeeper are exactly how I left them before the Antipodes, it wouldn't have done me any good to know that their lives were all the more richer without me!

I have no sordid secrets to tell however, despite the drunkenness of each and every one of us. 'Fine form' was the catchphrase of the evening, as we swilled away many different ales, each lovingly brewed especially for the occasion. Of course, there were momentary lapses in judgement, for how could I so easily forget what I used to feel for the musician? Nevertheless, I did nothing I regret, nothing that can't be brushed aside as a life experience, confirming to the world who I truly am.

I have often wondered as to who I would be as the years aged me and I supposedly matured, but more than anything I feel exactly the same (just some deviances are slightly less acceptable at four o'clock in the morning) and I wouldn't change anything for the world.

Of course this statement begs the question, 'What about the Captain?'

I have not forgotten about him, and seemingly it seems I have no longer been forgotten! He has finally corresponded in longing to my letter imploring him to make himself useful on his trip to the Shire and it seems that he agrees, or at the very least will have a look at the positions available.

How I wish my heart would leap for joy at this prospect. But I fear I am getting overly comfortable in my Shire, and don't know how we are going to ignore the twelve thousand miles for much longer. One of us would have to make an horrific sacrifice.

But would I be worth the commitment and truly, would either of us be happy away from our native lands?

D. S.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

I have heard that there are a few who have waited with bated breath regarding the outcome of my Captain's decision... I shall do my best to put you out of your misery, and indeed my own, as I give you the current situation most frankly.

He has not replied.

Nothing. Not even some sort of receipt to let me know he'd received the letter, nor a belated acknowledgement of the time and effort I'd put into devising a letter that seemed hopeful and contained within it a mild suggestion, rather than an outright order.

I know I am being impatient. I know I cannot expect a man of his tender years to understand the plight my heart undergoes every day I do not hear from him, and yet, the strangest emotions dwell within my breast; for I do not doubt his love for me. I only grow impatient with the circumference of half the world between us and an indefinite time frame.

I'm not sure how much longer I can cling to the memory of our love.

Being a Patroness has taken up my time most deliciously, as I am required to while away the hours with talented artistes of the Shire. There is no reluctance in my part to stray away from my duties, and I enjoy the time I have to take to get to know the more creative of my future tenants.

However, I fear that I have neglected certain friends for far too long, especially as it has nearly been a good six months since I have returned to the Shire from the Antipodes. To rectify the situation I have garnered a few favourites and sent messages hence forth, so that the Gameskeeper, Brewer and musician may expect me in their presence within the week.

The mere thought of setting my eyes on their rugged frames and sharing a song or two while drinking the Brewer's finest ale, truly warms me from within; indeed as I close my eyes and remember the days in the North, there is a slow but pleasurable tingle of remembrance that I long to indulge.

Until then I suppose I shall continue behaving myself. Life needs a jolt of surprise every now and again, but my life has been somewhat tame recently. Definitely need someone to spice up my life but who could that possibly be?

D. S.

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

What can possibly be my excuse for straying away from my writing for so long?

Can I claim that a lover has had my senses ensnared in a deviant game of cat and mouse?

Or have I been wallowing in my own self-pity as my loneliness begins to seep in and become a reality?

In truth it is neither of these more romantic ideals; life has just run away with me and writing has taken a back seat. Something I never thought would happen, and today I am determined to make writing the forefront of my goals... For the time being.

What can I say about the time I have spent away? I heard a statement about love, the only true statement I have ever heard in regard to that flimsy state of being...

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

This is not supposed to be a pronouncement of how I am newly in love. You should all know by now that I am in love and have been for quite a while... The Captain still holds my heart even though the time and distance do strain the feelings we have for each other.

I know that we share the same skies, and I am always reminded of his love when it is the time of day to say good morning or goodnight to that burning orb in the sky. But I do not have him near me; I cannot touch him, kiss him or caress him, that I so long to do.

With the sun rising as I know my Captain is laying his head down for the night, I imagine what it would be like if we were together... This longing can only go on for so long. We are only human and though great love stories claim that true love can transcend time and distance, I am determined to have him in my arms before a full year passes without the touch of his lips.

So I have sent him a letter, imploring him to think about his journey to the Shire and be realistic. Of course I want to see him, of course I want him as a part of my life here, but he cannot dawdle and limber on here while I have to go about by businesses. In my eyes I can see only one solution... He takes on a position here in the Shire over our summer.

To me it makes perfect sense to have him around, to keep him occupied and to have him all through the nights by my side. I cannot abandon my work for him for longer than my return journey to the Antipodes and I daren't ask him to loll about without me by his side!

I only hope the letter reaches him in a mood of acquiescence, though I do hate the feeling as if I am telling him how to live his life!

I had the glorious pleasure of Belle over the weekend and we shared many a story about the Convent and the Gameskeeper, musician and Brewer. Not only were we fortunate to meet and converse with ease, but we were joined by another governess, and the three of us drank many a daiquiri and reminisced over the summer. Indeed, they condoned and fully supported my idea for the Captain. I only hope that he understands my perspective...

The White Knight returns over the Christmas period and of course I am looking forward to seeing him, however, I fear he may be wanting more than I had originally anticipated. If that is the case, I suppose I may have to end our friendship, or at least the more physical aspect of our relationship. 

The anonymous source of the quote was correct, life is wonderful when you're in love. But at the moment, I am content and enjoy being awake, though my lovers are spread across the world and not within my grasp.

But hopefully, not for much longer.

D. S.

Friday, October 26, 2012

I have previously ranted about being single, about being independent, about being alone. None of which are perfect synonyms for the other, but they all are to be understood as solitary words. Though it is all too easy to guess which of those words denotes the most negative connotation...

As happy as I am mingling between men, I feel the waters may be muddying somewhat, and I may only just be able to muddle my way through the testosterone filled seas in which I have become stranded!

Love and lust are blurring into a single flame of desire, that is separate from the idyll future I have locked away in my heart. I am a very corporeal being, and prone to giving in to temptation... I have never been one to stray away from self-satisfaction. 

For some strange reason, guilt has begun to eat away at me, making me question my decisions.

Even my darling Mother has raised an eyebrow at my gallivanting around the Shire with one man after another, but how can I explain my antics without sounding slightly demented?

I enjoy the company of men. I miss the Gameskeeper, the Brewer, Armiger, the Court Jester, Harlequin and the Foreign Minister more than I ever realised, and they were everything I needed in close friendships. Trying to fuse a non-physical relationship with any gentleman these days is like trying to shod a horse with gold shoes. Near on impossible, and a completely silly concept.

But I refuse to give up on men as friends. Each of those men have kept in touch with me over the years, have listened to my problems as they have unburdened their lives on me. We have laughed and joked, shared tears and moments of great joy... Clearly, there are no others in the world quite like them

Similarly, my Ladies have never been matched in the friendship department, nor would I want that to change. But I do find it disheartening when the new men in my life are apt to getting emotionally attached or, the horror(!), crave a more physical relationship... Maybe there is a possibility I need to tone down my more flirtatious personality traits. But I had hoped, that flirting with men on an equal footing, by treating them all the same, they would then understand that not one of them was overtly special. I enjoy their company, their confidence, their ideas, but I don't want to be seen as a prize princess. I do not want to be fought over.

Should it really be this difficult to be seen as nothing more than a friend?


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Of course the departure of the White Knight makes my decision a trifle easier, but there are many distractions in the Shire...

I am not one to sit idly, staring out of windows, pining for love that has not been lost, only postponed... Any longer

There are many an ardent suitor awaiting my fleeting attention, and it is not wrong to flirt slightly, and give them a glimpse of what they are missing... Is it?

My Ladies of the Shire would of course be appalled by my behaviour, though surely they are getting used to it by now! The Duke's sister is unbelievably one of the most sympathetic to my cause, she understands how much I must care for the Captain, how much I long to be with him and how I would never leave his side once we were reunited. However; the Captain and I have at least another six months of waiting to be in each other's arms. Something she can relate to.

Until then, as I search for an artiste worthy of my patronage, I shall enjoy the company of lords and ladies, of gentlemen and duchesses, of nonsensical suitors and their unsuccessful ploys to win my heart.

Indeed, I shall savour the coming winter's antics, for I fear they may possibly be my last as a 'spinster' - for want of a better word.

It is true though, that a strong, successful, attractive woman over a certain age has to have something wrong with her to still be single. It's never the attitude of men that she has been waiting (I shan't say 'saving herself') for the perfect man, rather than accepting a droll second-rate partner. Darlings, I have been single, by choice now for the best part of half a decade. I can assure you, there is nothing wrong with me.

D. S.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

There is no longer a turmoil in my heart. The anguish I have suffered at my inability to make decisions has come to a rather curtailed end... Or at least a certain semblance of an almost decision has been made.

The White Knight returned somewhat fleetingly over the weekend, to shower me with champagne and kisses and secret trysts coupled with quilted feather bedspreads. Fortunately within the hurried haze of insistent intimacy, there were no lost words of love to fall upon deaf ears. Despite the White Knight's over eager anticipation, we were careful not to cross any emotional boundaries, something that I had feared could possibly occur during his return.

How silly of me to think that he could have actually fallen for me! (Though I do have to admit I am relieved to know I do not have to worry about his emotional well being.)

My heart needs to be guarded by the memory of the Captain. Where to begin on this age old adage that distance and love cannot last? True, there have been times when I have doubted my strength, or indeed his! But the Captain as provided me with the utmost faith in his love for me...

My darling dear, he who is closest to my heart, has written to say that he intends to journey the twelve thousand miles from the Antipodes to the Shire in search of my love!

I could barely believe the words on the page as I read and reread the commitment I had been longing to hear! Of course, the scandal and drama orientated sylph that I am, has since come to my senses... But just to know that the Captain is willing to make that sacrifice for me is enough.

However, deep in my heart of hearts, I know the Shire is not for him. It is too quiet, too tame and lacks the spirit of adventure that he craves (and is one of the reasons I fell in love with him). A visit, yes, I would love to have him here and introduce him to my wonderful Ladies, and Armiger. But our future is not in the Shire... The Antipodes calls my name just as much as the allure of the Captain's whisper, and I cannot ignore it's beckoning forever.

But as much as I love the Captain, I am going to have to reign in his fervour. For our future, however intangible it may well be, is certainly not founded in the Shire. 

Though, if and when the time comes, how will I ever have the heart to say goodbye to my family and friends here? I am off to see Belle and the Gameskeeper over the next few weeks and I can think of nothing more heartbreaking to think I may be guillotining them from my future!

Too many decisions to be made... And I barely leave the time to think about my position as patroness! But matters of the heart, hold more weight in my life than current artistic fancies, however droll and frivolous they may be. 

So to reiterate one of the few choices I have made; the Captain has my heart, but our future still lolls around like rust-coloured leaves playing a roundabout game of 'follow the leader' in autumnal winds... 

D. S. 

Monday, October 08, 2012

Life is never quite what you expect it to be... I can see the lives of my friends straightening out, their ambitions and goals unfolding in front of them, their paths lit with the love of their partners as the future they have chosen is sketched out before them in multi-coloured glory.

I on the other hand am dwindling in monochrome tones of yesteryear, waiting impatiently for the return of a lover, while pining for a nineteen year old half way across the world.

Of course I am referring to the dilemma I have between the White Knight and the Captain. If distance were not an issue then the Captain would be my only option, I love him. I need him by my side more than I care to admit. Of course I struggled with this notion after weeks of not hearing from him, but all he has to do is pick up a pen and write to me and I am once again weak at the knees.

The White Knight returns in just over a week. He too has travelled thousands of miles, but his deployment has many constraints that I could never suffer through willingly. He worships the ground I walk on, and I am never one to deny myself the attentions of a delightful suitor, and if I am being honest with myself, he is more than just a play thing. I do care about him deeply, but I know that I do not love him. He is not the Captain. How could he replace the Captain?

The entire thought is absurd.

My Ladies, as wonderful as they are, seem to have taken it upon themselves to find me an eligible suitor closer to home, one that fits their criteria and is seemingly desperate. I cannot deny the love I have for my friends, and I know they only mean the best for me, but to have at least three different couples try and locate the ideal candidate within their friendship groups, for a prospective suitor for myself, when my heart is already in a turmoil, was completely unnecessary.

Never have I felt like more of a spinster in my life! Why would I want to settle for a second-rate bachelor when I have the love of my life waiting for me, twelve thousand miles away?

Oh, that's why... Because he's twelve thousand miles away.

D. S.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Having the time to read through my previous musings is a luxury I thought I'd forsaken in favour of responsibility and frivolity, yet somehow I have managed to cling to a few private and peaceful hours before the start of another rambunctious weekend.

Exploring the mind of my past is rather interesting, if completely self-indulgent, but I find it gives me awareness of how my writing is (or isn't) improving, and I gain a surprising clarity towards my own emotions. I suppose this is the reason why people write diaries; not as a public record of all your achievements, but for the personal journey where you can acknowledge overcoming any obstacles.

Indeed a few of my entries have been rather haphazard, even bipolar (for want of a less medical phrase) but there are a few that I cannot forget...

Sunday, January 10 2010
I've been brought up a Catholic, and though I am far from the best example of a Christian, I do still believe in God, despite the struggle I have with my faith. I can still remember exactly what I felt that day when I went to church, and it's not something you can forget in a hurry... Not that I truly want to.

Monday, May 10 2010
Similarly I can remember the love I felt for the Duke, even after my decision to let him leave. It may have taken me years to truly realise that we were never compatible, but it was around this time that it began to sink in that our future was not together, even though this was while he was still betrothed...

Wednesday, January 26 2011
The Grande Tour as suggest by the Duke. How can I forget the turmoil I was in; To spend every waking moment with the man I loved, our sunrises giving birth to the Continent before us and the sunsets letting us slip into a writhing mass of overtly sensual licentiousness, or to give up hope and fully admit that he was moving on with his life?

Monday, March 28 2011
My years in the Northern counties provided me with many things, and even more infatuations. The musician toyed with my emotions, less like a cat with string, and increasingly like a tentative piranha, and almost reflexively I couldn't help but experiment... It wasn't my intention, it wasn't my first time, and it certainly wasn't my last, but it was the moment that I decided I would never be ashamed of my more erotic and epicurean desires.

Sunday, September 25 2011
My travels to the Antipodes. Not only was it the best decision I've ever made, and possibly still is, but it's where I fell in love, became an adult, loved and hated, had regrets for the first time... And it's where I began to value my independence more than ever.

Friday, December 9 2011
There is nothing more to say than this is the night I realised I was already in love with the Captain... Our meeting was fleeting, our love may be diminishing but this evening that we spent together is one I will treasure until my dying day.

Saturday, June 2 2012
The day before I left the Antipodes, and I was in more than a little pensive mood... Love, death, the future, the past; in fact many of those questions have still not been answered, and I doubt they ever will be.

Friday, September 28 2012
Today... I live in the Shire, near my friends and family, and have been given responsibilities so that idle thumbs do not make light work for the devil. Apparently. I have an array of men at my disposal and though there are one or two I truly care deeply about, I'm still struggling with my love for the Captain. I fear I've lost him, and I don't know what this means for the future. For our future, for my future, because without realising it, I had fully intended to return to the Antipodes solely for the Captain.

I had become one of those women, dependent on a man.

But, retrospectively, I have had the time to think about what he means to me, and though I don't think I can yet say I don't love him, I think I owe myself more in life than to chase half way across the world for a man... Especially a man that claims to love me and then remains rather scarce when I need him.

For now I shall count down the days (14) until the White Knight's return and I shall flirt with the gentleman that dock their caps at me, and I shall curtsey to the Lords that praise my accomplishments and I shall laugh and be jolly with my friends. For now that is all I want.

D. S.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

It's difficult to brave the ever-obvious distance between the Captain and myself, when not only are there reams of distractions and temptations, but the Captain often fails to correspond accordingly! It has been over a week since his last admission of love and my last declaration has all but been ignored! I cannot help but worry that, maybe, just possibly some other Lady has caught his eye...

I cannot bare my own hypocrisy, especially as the day of the White Knight's return draws nearer, but I also cannot begin to fathom as to why I have been neglected. Never have I failed to respond in the correct fashion to the Captain, but here I am, waiting. Waiting for a love that may or may not last the distance and the time.

Speaking of which, I cannot believe that it was a year ago today that I arrived in the Antipodes! How time does fly! Of course this has made me somewhat crabby as I think about the responsibilities I have ahead of me, but also too does it remind me that life is worth living. That there is nothing better than to take chances and not regret any of your past mistakes!

In other news, (before I get too nostalgic) I had a wonderful weekend with the best of my Ladies. I could have sworn there was a member of royalty in disguise accompanying our party, but it is always best to ignore the questions you want to ask; for what if it were untrue and I looked silly asking a personal and private question? Or indeed, what if it WERE true... I do not think any of our princesses would forgive me lightly!

The weekend has been a success, with much drinking and merriment, however I am beginning to suffer with the dropping temperatures. Winter is coming and I'm not sure I have a suitable wardrobe to put to use... I may have to venture to the Capital and see the Duchess of Tuthershire and make use of her seamstress!

I don't know what to think about the Captain and the White Knight. They are both so different and each of them offer vastly incomparable futures... I know my heart still resides in the Captain's bosom, but what of his silence? If his feelings are dwindling is it not wise to acquiesce sooner rather than later and be content with the White Knight (whom I do care about greatly)? 

I fear that this long distance is more likely to break the Captain and I, and then, if it does, I don't know where the Antipodes may stand for me... Let's hope and pray that the Captain has not forgotten me, that I have only lapsed in his mind for a moment as he is busy preparing a life for the two of us together... Let us hope.

D. S. 

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Carnal thoughts never stray far from the forefront of my mind, and it is with a tantalising and semi-impatient fury that I count down the days until the White Knight's return. I have been given a date, the end of the month, and I know it is sinful to think these thoughts on a Sunday, but my breath quickens at the mere possibility of having him in my arms.

Oh no my dearest darlings, this is not an inclination of love, nor have I defected from my more amorous intentions for the Captain. Far from it! I am just enjoying the freedom and independence that comes with my new-found responsibilities. Apparently I can behave rather wantonly when so inclined, and if I cannot have love at the moment, then I shall indeed settle with lust!

My pensive state has rather diminished, or indeed I am concentrating on other responsibilities that carry far greater weight than my boudoir compatriots. No further decisions have been made, and I fear that I may begin to enjoy the routine that my life has currently set out for me.

I have nothing too scandalous to report; my patronage has yet to be bestowed on a deserving candidate, no one new has entered my life with such zest and vigour as those from the Antipodes, and though I have heard from the Court Jester and coxswain both in the last few days, we are no closer to organising a rendez vous. Something I fear I may have to take in hand myself.

The Shire is beautiful in the Autumn. I forget that I haven't had to suffer through a winter in nearly two years now... The temperature has decreased slightly, and the leaves are turning the most brilliantly burnt hue of ochre. Still I can't help but miss the Antipodes, despite, or perhaps in spite of the fun I am having in the Shire.

In fact, only yesterday did I dress up two of my ladies in unimaginable outfits; we giggled and laughed and by the time I had finished with them, the two were barely recognisable! But then, I am a true mistress of disguise! The Duke's sister and I have rekindled our friendship more so than ever before. She is a terrible influence however, for I am never one to say no... And she has this wicked smile that reminds me of all then fun we've already had, and of course we can do it again! 

She is going to get me into trouble one day!

But until that day arrives, I am going to make the most of the Shire, the evenings that still have a tint more light than they will during winter, and wait ever-so-patiently for the White Knight to give me a good ravaging! Of course, all the while, writing heartfelt letters to the Captain as we brave the ever increasing distance between us.

D. S.