Friday, October 26, 2012

I have previously ranted about being single, about being independent, about being alone. None of which are perfect synonyms for the other, but they all are to be understood as solitary words. Though it is all too easy to guess which of those words denotes the most negative connotation...

As happy as I am mingling between men, I feel the waters may be muddying somewhat, and I may only just be able to muddle my way through the testosterone filled seas in which I have become stranded!

Love and lust are blurring into a single flame of desire, that is separate from the idyll future I have locked away in my heart. I am a very corporeal being, and prone to giving in to temptation... I have never been one to stray away from self-satisfaction. 

For some strange reason, guilt has begun to eat away at me, making me question my decisions.

Even my darling Mother has raised an eyebrow at my gallivanting around the Shire with one man after another, but how can I explain my antics without sounding slightly demented?

I enjoy the company of men. I miss the Gameskeeper, the Brewer, Armiger, the Court Jester, Harlequin and the Foreign Minister more than I ever realised, and they were everything I needed in close friendships. Trying to fuse a non-physical relationship with any gentleman these days is like trying to shod a horse with gold shoes. Near on impossible, and a completely silly concept.

But I refuse to give up on men as friends. Each of those men have kept in touch with me over the years, have listened to my problems as they have unburdened their lives on me. We have laughed and joked, shared tears and moments of great joy... Clearly, there are no others in the world quite like them

Similarly, my Ladies have never been matched in the friendship department, nor would I want that to change. But I do find it disheartening when the new men in my life are apt to getting emotionally attached or, the horror(!), crave a more physical relationship... Maybe there is a possibility I need to tone down my more flirtatious personality traits. But I had hoped, that flirting with men on an equal footing, by treating them all the same, they would then understand that not one of them was overtly special. I enjoy their company, their confidence, their ideas, but I don't want to be seen as a prize princess. I do not want to be fought over.

Should it really be this difficult to be seen as nothing more than a friend?