There is no longer a turmoil in my heart. The anguish I have suffered at my inability to make decisions has come to a rather curtailed end... Or at least a certain semblance of an almost decision has been made.
The White Knight returned somewhat fleetingly over the weekend, to shower me with champagne and kisses and secret trysts coupled with quilted feather bedspreads. Fortunately within the hurried haze of insistent intimacy, there were no lost words of love to fall upon deaf ears. Despite the White Knight's over eager anticipation, we were careful not to cross any emotional boundaries, something that I had feared could possibly occur during his return.
How silly of me to think that he could have actually fallen for me! (Though I do have to admit I am relieved to know I do not have to worry about his emotional well being.)
My heart needs to be guarded by the memory of the Captain. Where to begin on this age old adage that distance and love cannot last? True, there have been times when I have doubted my strength, or indeed his! But the Captain as provided me with the utmost faith in his love for me...
My darling dear, he who is closest to my heart, has written to say that he intends to journey the twelve thousand miles from the Antipodes to the Shire in search of my love!
I could barely believe the words on the page as I read and reread the commitment I had been longing to hear! Of course, the scandal and drama orientated sylph that I am, has since come to my senses... But just to know that the Captain is willing to make that sacrifice for me is enough.
However, deep in my heart of hearts, I know the Shire is not for him. It is too quiet, too tame and lacks the spirit of adventure that he craves (and is one of the reasons I fell in love with him). A visit, yes, I would love to have him here and introduce him to my wonderful Ladies, and Armiger. But our future is not in the Shire... The Antipodes calls my name just as much as the allure of the Captain's whisper, and I cannot ignore it's beckoning forever.
But as much as I love the Captain, I am going to have to reign in his fervour. For our future, however intangible it may well be, is certainly not founded in the Shire.
Though, if and when the time comes, how will I ever have the heart to say goodbye to my family and friends here? I am off to see Belle and the Gameskeeper over the next few weeks and I can think of nothing more heartbreaking to think I may be guillotining them from my future!
Too many decisions to be made... And I barely leave the time to think about my position as patroness! But matters of the heart, hold more weight in my life than current artistic fancies, however droll and frivolous they may be.
So to reiterate one of the few choices I have made; the Captain has my heart, but our future still lolls around like rust-coloured leaves playing a roundabout game of 'follow the leader' in autumnal winds...