Tuesday, April 26, 2011

It seems that organising a few events, which are all happening within a week of each other, is slightly more difficult than I'd first imagined.

But I'm not going to complain.

My birthday celebrations are coming along delightfully and I can't wait for this weekend! We have much to toast to, and who needs an excuse when we are young and boisterous, without a care in the world? Indeed, there may be more than my birthday (and nothing) to celebrate for in the planning of these sumptuous parties, I have met some wonderful people. One of whom stands out like a peacock in a pantry!

He is a gentleman whose sole purpose in life, it would seem, is to excel at all sports and flirt with every woman. Of course there is nothing wrong with this hedonistic lifestyle, in fact I almost envy that he can be so blatant. No doubt it is because he is a man, and men, apparently, can do no wrong.

Though I suppose, I do have to admit the blush that simpered across my face when he directed those oh-so-practised flirtations at me. I tried my best to be in control, but there is something about him that I just couldn't deny myself, and it wasn't long before the rest of my body caught up with my blush and simpered pathetically for his attentions.

This gentleman is involved with a few last organisational details for this weekend so I know I'll be seeing him tomorrow. I dislike how I feel around him. Actually no, I dislike that I enjoy being around him! It's different to the musician or the Scottish Earl for it isn't love nor purely physical. I'm sure every girl feels the same when in his presence and it just cannot be helped. Though it is frustrating.

The Scottish Earl has been badgering me and I know that I should just give him a firm 'no' but it's a lot harder than I thought. Or maybe I'm just being selfish... If I'm leading him on but it's a purely physical relationship then no one can get hurt, right? 

I know deep down that I'm just trying to convince myself and should cut off these perverse ties with the Earl, but then who would I have as a distraction from myself?

I have this hole that needs filling, and I'm sure I'm not the only one, but why then, does it feel that I'm a piece from a different puzzle? I refuse to spiral down in to the gloomy depths of heartache, for there is currently no pain, just an absence, a void. Oh dear...

D. S.

Friday, April 22, 2011

I'm sorry to disappoint but I still haven't seen the Scottish Earl.

The right time hasn't really occured and he has made it quite clear that he is only after one thing. And I know that I don't think of him in a romantic way, but it would be nice to be chased by someone who wanted me for more than just a rumble in the bedchamber.

So I have been distracting myself with friends and family. I had the most delightful night with my Lords and Ladies (a few of which were noticeably missed) drinking the night away and catching up after the last few months. Nothing too scandalous was discussed, though there was much evading of certain subjects... Mainly the Duke. I'm intrigued as to what it is I'm not supposed to know.

My birthday came up quite a lot and I think we are to travel to the Spa and have a decadent day with much champagne and strawberries. Though raspberries are a personal favourite!

Had a strange scribbled note from the Court Jester asking if I'd ever kissed a certain Apothecary but I'm afraid he is much mistaken! I wonder if he made up the rumour just to get in contact with me? I do miss him, there is no one like the Court Jester here in the Shire; everyone is far too refined and distinguished to mess around like the two of us do together. The same could be said for the Gameskeeper, Brewer, and of course Belle, (I'm doing my best not to mention the musician), for there is none of the same camaraderie as there is up in the North and I miss them all greatly.

I do love being back in the Shire and it will always be my home, but I almost feel that I am out growing it. I'm not sure how to explain it really, but there are certain things that just remind me of my childhood and I'd prefer them to stay that way rather than become an integral part of my life... 

As well a being Good Friday, today is also the anniversary of my Grandmother's death and I truly miss her. She was such an elegant lady, so kind and generous and the patient Mother to six children. 

It makes me laugh to think that I can barely look after myself and she was so perfect. 

Though I suppose it would be more correct to say that she was Mother to seven... Or at least gave birth to seven children. Soon after her death, a decade ago, we found out that she'd had a child out of wedlock. It was quite the scandal, especially as the daughter arrived at the funeral. No one faults my Grandmother, no one could, she had a heart of gold, but I think it strained the relationship between her husband, Grandpa and his children. Though Father refuses to admit it.

I've never really delved into my history before but it seems that my Grandparents, on both sides, were not so innocent as I once thought. I don't mean anything as treachorous as murder or incest, but lying and coercion? I don't think that can be denied...

D. S.

Monday, April 18, 2011

As much as I love spending time in the North there is no place like home. 

The Northern town is ever-increasing in size and I know the Docks have created a new passage way for trade, but I hadn't realised how much I'd missed the countryside. Trees and fields and sheep and horses. The North is becoming a metropolis while my Shire has maintained it's timeless class and elegance.

Although I didn't sleep very well last night (memories of the Head Architect surfaced as I spend the night in the South Wing) my first day back in the Shire has been quite a treat!

No, before you ask, I haven't seen the Scottish Earl... Yet.

I lunched with a couple of my cousins and caught up with the latest gossip, though it seems there is nothing too scandalous occuring. It was heavenly to hear their Southern accents. Afterwards we walked along the Promenade which was lined with hundreds of Spring flowers, and I felt that I did my title justice as I spoke to all the necessary sychophants. 

I have heard from the Scottish Earl, though declined to meet with him today. It is my first day back and family takes priority, then friends tomorrow and I'm sure lovers shall come third?
No matter, I will just see what happens when (if) I see him.

The day did include going horseriding with my cousins, which came at quite a surprise. I was not at all dressed for the occasion, and it seems I have forgotten much of my formal training. We ended up having such a laugh together and the three of us ended up in hysterics... Mainly at my incapability!

I haven't had the time to think about the musician... Except for now... And I don't want to think about him. Not because I'm over him but because if I dwell on 'what could have been' it hurts too much. I know that doesn't sound positive, but I used to let my thoughts wander round the possible futures I could have with him and now I've closed those doors. It is progress. Isn't it?

D. S.

Friday, April 15, 2011

My Mother is coming up to collect me tomorrow so I really do need to start packing. The thought hadn't really entered my head until the Court Jester mentioned that he is going to be alone for the next two weeks!

I can't wait to return to the Shire. The Scottish Earl seems overly keen to meet with me and though I do want to see him and satisfy the cravings I have been ignoring the past few months, I do want to make him beg for it. Sometimes there is nothing more satisfying.

My birthday is looming and I have decided to have two events. A relaxed affair back in the Shire with the closest of friends and family. Hopefully an all day picnic if the weather keeps, if not I'll just have a marquee erected. 

The North deserves a decidedly more rambunctious celebration and I've decided on a Masquerade Ball. There have been a fair few the last few years and I see nothing wrong in keeping with tradition. I'll invite everyone possible and see how they all manage to mingle. It'll be an interesting state of affairs if the musician meets the Captain, or the Foreign Minister meets with the Gameskeeper... I wonder if I'll inadvertently invite Luthien. That would certainly be a turn up for the books!

This past week has been rather quiet as most people have departed for their homes. I stayed in the North for slightly longer as I wanted time to clear my head after the decision to let the musician go.

I will let you know how birthday plans go and of course show you the gorgeous mask that I plan on purchasing. Until then I must pack for my return to the Shire.

D. S.

Monday, April 11, 2011

It seems that news of my imminent return to the Shire has reached certain past lovers, namely the Scottish Earl, who has requested a rendezvous.

The distraction could not have come at a better time, yet I almost feel like this could be a deja vu! Once again, the Scottish Earl has appeared as an emotional crutch after heartache (I cannot quite bring myself to call it heartbreak) and enticed me with tender words and passionate promises.

I guess I have truly let the musician go.

Don't give me a round of applause just yet, as I haven't had the (dis)pleasure of his company since last week's concert. So it has been rather easy to put him out of my mind. 

In fact I haven't seen the Brewer, Gameskeeper or musician for nearly a week now and I'm finding it very noticeable! Thankfully Belle has kept me entertained for a few hours and I did manage to attend a Ball over the weekend in honour of a Lady's birthday. Nevertheless, Easter back in the Shire is going to be a little strange if I'm not having lunch with the Gameskeeper every day, or 'accidentally' bumping into the musician in the library!

Almost four months I have spent up North without returning home and I have to admit that I cannot wait to walk the corridors of the South Wing and remember the summer nights with the Head Architect and the long days with my Ladies! Then of course there is the Duke, whose return to England is slowly approaching.

I know that I am reminiscing about my separate lives in both the North and my darling Shire, but the former of the two is swiftly coming to a close. My future has not officially been decided but I know that I will spend the summer torn between my two homes.

Spring should be a time for new beginnings, not the start of the final chapter!

D. S.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Sometimes I feel that I exceed my own expectations.

I had a delightful night with the coxswain, Number 5 and the Court Jester a few nights back. We were all very merry and it was a pleasure to catch up with them for I feel I have let my involvement with rowing slide down my list of priorities.

The weekend, on the other hand, was relatively calm what with the absence of my t'other trio. Yet upon the Brewer, musician and Gameskeeper's return an eventful night ensued, for they brought with them two gentlemen from home. I daren't go into any detail but let's just say that they made quite an impression, and would both be welcome again any time... Once I've fully recovered!

Last night's concert was a much less raucous affair; one could almost call it civilised! I forget every now and again the expectations that come with being a Duchess, yet I did enjoy the reminder of champagne and crudités. 

The concert did mean, however, that I was in close proximity with the musician under slightly unusual circumstances. I felt that I couldn't really be myself around him and truthfully I feel that he is slowly pushing me away. I don't know whether or not I'm just being paranoid but for months now I have fawned over the musician, giving in to his every whim and still, nothing. I don't know what I expected but it certainly didn't entail this emptiness and dependency! 

There are no other suitors to capture my attention and distract me from the heartache of failure, yet this seems more fitting. I do not want to be a woman who cannot handle being on her own, nor do I want to settle for second best. So for now, my distraction will be my friends and my family, my lover will be my work.

I go home to the Shire in ten days. That should be entertaining enough.

D. S.