Wisdom is supposed to come with age, as the old saying goes, but after my antics last night I don't think I have made the progression. I am stagnating and making the same old mistakes again and again.
The week has been long and hard, but the weekend eventually arrived and my birthday with it. I hadn't planned an elaborate ball for the event, wanting only to spend it with my nearest and dearest. The brunette, bless her, inundated me with gifts and the biggest surprise of all was the Captain's presence.
Though we had decided on friendship, our interaction has been rather scarce of late and it does make complete sense; we need to distance ourselves before my untimely departure.
However, the Captain's presence was a present that could have done with some prior knowledge! I need to brace myself before I see him so I am not vulnerable to this draw that I have for him. Unfortunately the brunette failed to give me any warning and I was completely taken aback when the Captain appeared. My throat closed up, my heart beat that little bit faster, the colour in my cheeks reddened; still the effect he has on me is unmistakeable.
And yet, everything he says to me makes perfect sense. I know I am leaving in one month's time, and I do not know when I shall return. What foundation for a relationship is that? But love isn't logical. Love has no boundaries. Love will, love has to, prosper.
I couldn't find these words last night. Last night I just did as I was told and skulked off with some nameless paramour in the hope that it would be a distraction from my breaking heart. It didn't work. In fact I may have even called out the Captain's name in the middle of... Well, just imagine how that was received?!
Of course the Captain is correct in his thinking. But how can he tell me he loves me and in the same breath dash any future hopes. If only I hadn't... I can't start thinking 'if only'. I regret nothing (if only that were true) for I don't think I'd have truly appreciated the love I have for the Captain without the heartache.
But I do not want to return to the Shire regretting every moment I didn't spend with the Captain. I want to seize the day. I want to have this final month at the side of the Captain. I want to belong to him in a way that usurps all the meaningless affiliations I have had since I met him. He already has my heart, I know that my body shall be bereft of all feeling once I return to the Shire. Heartache and grief surround my thoughts like two lost ducklings on a murky lake.
There is a shimmer of daylight however, the Captain did tell me he loves me.
He's not in love with me.
But he loves me.