Friday, September 28, 2012

Having the time to read through my previous musings is a luxury I thought I'd forsaken in favour of responsibility and frivolity, yet somehow I have managed to cling to a few private and peaceful hours before the start of another rambunctious weekend.

Exploring the mind of my past is rather interesting, if completely self-indulgent, but I find it gives me awareness of how my writing is (or isn't) improving, and I gain a surprising clarity towards my own emotions. I suppose this is the reason why people write diaries; not as a public record of all your achievements, but for the personal journey where you can acknowledge overcoming any obstacles.

Indeed a few of my entries have been rather haphazard, even bipolar (for want of a less medical phrase) but there are a few that I cannot forget...

Sunday, January 10 2010
I've been brought up a Catholic, and though I am far from the best example of a Christian, I do still believe in God, despite the struggle I have with my faith. I can still remember exactly what I felt that day when I went to church, and it's not something you can forget in a hurry... Not that I truly want to.

Monday, May 10 2010
Similarly I can remember the love I felt for the Duke, even after my decision to let him leave. It may have taken me years to truly realise that we were never compatible, but it was around this time that it began to sink in that our future was not together, even though this was while he was still betrothed...

Wednesday, January 26 2011
The Grande Tour as suggest by the Duke. How can I forget the turmoil I was in; To spend every waking moment with the man I loved, our sunrises giving birth to the Continent before us and the sunsets letting us slip into a writhing mass of overtly sensual licentiousness, or to give up hope and fully admit that he was moving on with his life?

Monday, March 28 2011
My years in the Northern counties provided me with many things, and even more infatuations. The musician toyed with my emotions, less like a cat with string, and increasingly like a tentative piranha, and almost reflexively I couldn't help but experiment... It wasn't my intention, it wasn't my first time, and it certainly wasn't my last, but it was the moment that I decided I would never be ashamed of my more erotic and epicurean desires.

Sunday, September 25 2011
My travels to the Antipodes. Not only was it the best decision I've ever made, and possibly still is, but it's where I fell in love, became an adult, loved and hated, had regrets for the first time... And it's where I began to value my independence more than ever.

Friday, December 9 2011
There is nothing more to say than this is the night I realised I was already in love with the Captain... Our meeting was fleeting, our love may be diminishing but this evening that we spent together is one I will treasure until my dying day.

Saturday, June 2 2012
The day before I left the Antipodes, and I was in more than a little pensive mood... Love, death, the future, the past; in fact many of those questions have still not been answered, and I doubt they ever will be.

Friday, September 28 2012
Today... I live in the Shire, near my friends and family, and have been given responsibilities so that idle thumbs do not make light work for the devil. Apparently. I have an array of men at my disposal and though there are one or two I truly care deeply about, I'm still struggling with my love for the Captain. I fear I've lost him, and I don't know what this means for the future. For our future, for my future, because without realising it, I had fully intended to return to the Antipodes solely for the Captain.

I had become one of those women, dependent on a man.

But, retrospectively, I have had the time to think about what he means to me, and though I don't think I can yet say I don't love him, I think I owe myself more in life than to chase half way across the world for a man... Especially a man that claims to love me and then remains rather scarce when I need him.

For now I shall count down the days (14) until the White Knight's return and I shall flirt with the gentleman that dock their caps at me, and I shall curtsey to the Lords that praise my accomplishments and I shall laugh and be jolly with my friends. For now that is all I want.

D. S.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

It's difficult to brave the ever-obvious distance between the Captain and myself, when not only are there reams of distractions and temptations, but the Captain often fails to correspond accordingly! It has been over a week since his last admission of love and my last declaration has all but been ignored! I cannot help but worry that, maybe, just possibly some other Lady has caught his eye...

I cannot bare my own hypocrisy, especially as the day of the White Knight's return draws nearer, but I also cannot begin to fathom as to why I have been neglected. Never have I failed to respond in the correct fashion to the Captain, but here I am, waiting. Waiting for a love that may or may not last the distance and the time.

Speaking of which, I cannot believe that it was a year ago today that I arrived in the Antipodes! How time does fly! Of course this has made me somewhat crabby as I think about the responsibilities I have ahead of me, but also too does it remind me that life is worth living. That there is nothing better than to take chances and not regret any of your past mistakes!

In other news, (before I get too nostalgic) I had a wonderful weekend with the best of my Ladies. I could have sworn there was a member of royalty in disguise accompanying our party, but it is always best to ignore the questions you want to ask; for what if it were untrue and I looked silly asking a personal and private question? Or indeed, what if it WERE true... I do not think any of our princesses would forgive me lightly!

The weekend has been a success, with much drinking and merriment, however I am beginning to suffer with the dropping temperatures. Winter is coming and I'm not sure I have a suitable wardrobe to put to use... I may have to venture to the Capital and see the Duchess of Tuthershire and make use of her seamstress!

I don't know what to think about the Captain and the White Knight. They are both so different and each of them offer vastly incomparable futures... I know my heart still resides in the Captain's bosom, but what of his silence? If his feelings are dwindling is it not wise to acquiesce sooner rather than later and be content with the White Knight (whom I do care about greatly)? 

I fear that this long distance is more likely to break the Captain and I, and then, if it does, I don't know where the Antipodes may stand for me... Let's hope and pray that the Captain has not forgotten me, that I have only lapsed in his mind for a moment as he is busy preparing a life for the two of us together... Let us hope.

D. S. 

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Carnal thoughts never stray far from the forefront of my mind, and it is with a tantalising and semi-impatient fury that I count down the days until the White Knight's return. I have been given a date, the end of the month, and I know it is sinful to think these thoughts on a Sunday, but my breath quickens at the mere possibility of having him in my arms.

Oh no my dearest darlings, this is not an inclination of love, nor have I defected from my more amorous intentions for the Captain. Far from it! I am just enjoying the freedom and independence that comes with my new-found responsibilities. Apparently I can behave rather wantonly when so inclined, and if I cannot have love at the moment, then I shall indeed settle with lust!

My pensive state has rather diminished, or indeed I am concentrating on other responsibilities that carry far greater weight than my boudoir compatriots. No further decisions have been made, and I fear that I may begin to enjoy the routine that my life has currently set out for me.

I have nothing too scandalous to report; my patronage has yet to be bestowed on a deserving candidate, no one new has entered my life with such zest and vigour as those from the Antipodes, and though I have heard from the Court Jester and coxswain both in the last few days, we are no closer to organising a rendez vous. Something I fear I may have to take in hand myself.

The Shire is beautiful in the Autumn. I forget that I haven't had to suffer through a winter in nearly two years now... The temperature has decreased slightly, and the leaves are turning the most brilliantly burnt hue of ochre. Still I can't help but miss the Antipodes, despite, or perhaps in spite of the fun I am having in the Shire.

In fact, only yesterday did I dress up two of my ladies in unimaginable outfits; we giggled and laughed and by the time I had finished with them, the two were barely recognisable! But then, I am a true mistress of disguise! The Duke's sister and I have rekindled our friendship more so than ever before. She is a terrible influence however, for I am never one to say no... And she has this wicked smile that reminds me of all then fun we've already had, and of course we can do it again! 

She is going to get me into trouble one day!

But until that day arrives, I am going to make the most of the Shire, the evenings that still have a tint more light than they will during winter, and wait ever-so-patiently for the White Knight to give me a good ravaging! Of course, all the while, writing heartfelt letters to the Captain as we brave the ever increasing distance between us.

D. S.

Saturday, September 08, 2012

If I had ever been asked what it was in life that I so craved, I would never have answered with 'responsibility'. It is still not the answer I would give if someone were to ask me at this exact moment in time (I'm in the process of answering a letter from the Captain, my current cravings are rather more corporeal!) however, that said, in the future I can see myself searching for an iota of responsibility in this world we have created.

Only a week in to my new role as patroness and already I feel better about having a purpose in life. Who knew that there was more to life than endless frivolities? Of course I miss certain aspects of my previously care-free lifestyle, but the novelty of responsibility and direction has yet to wear off. And I'm not sure it will.

All this change in my life has given me a new-found perspective. 

I want to travel the world, but it is not a Grande Tour that I seek, rather I want to experience different cultures, see through another person's eyes and understand at least a trifle of the world we live in. To do this, I cannot ignore my own culture - and I cannot leave after only being home for three months.

The Antipodes will have to wait; though my journey may have no set destination, I know my heart belongs to that country... Mother posed an interesting conundrum today; who would I choose out of the Captain or the White Knight if their situations were reversed? If the White Knight lived 12,000 miles away in the Antipodes and my darling Captain were settled here in the Shire, only to disappear for months on end, would I feel any differently? 

Instantly I replied that nothing would make me happier than to have the Captain here with me, but after Mother raised an eyebrow I too began to question my motives... I adore the Antipodes. I love the country, the people, the culture and it truly was becoming my home. The Shire is my home, though I do not see me ending my days here where I have grown up.

The Captain, despite his title, does not have the luxury of travel to this side of the world, and it is one of the reasons I am all the more keen to return to the Antipodes. The White Knight on the other hand returns next month, and he has already made an appointment to see me. Emotionally, the Captain wins; wherever he may travel is where my heart must follow, but it does gladden my thoughts to know that he makes his home in the Antipodes.

I need to return and make up my mind about my future, but I know I cannot make any rash decisions and disappear like I did last year. Perspective makes me rather pensive, and  though my carnal thoughts may take over at any moment (it has been FAR too long now...) I have to admit that I am enjoying the role of Patroness and responsibilities that come with it.

I wonder how long this feeling of order coupled with elation will last before I can no longer stand to be in one place...

D. S.

Sunday, September 02, 2012

How much I have accomplished in the short three months I have been home in the Shire! Travelling to the Northern county and the City of Dreaming Spires several times distracted my heart somewhat from the longing to do something more with my life. But my time at the Convent gave me time to reflect on my past and how I want to shape my future.

I do feel that tomorrow, as I begin to take my role as Patroness seriously, I shall be taking a step towards that future. I cannot deny the apprehension that I feel as I write, curled up in my bed, but it is a daunting thought that the rest of my life is just waiting for me to wake up!

I have truly enjoyed my last few days of freedom. The Marquessa and Baroness have kept me entertained after Armiger's departure back to his home country of France, and my previous paramour has strayed closer to my peripheral than usual... An echo of tantalising memories have been awoken, but I do not want to do anything that would provoke my dear Captain.

Ah yes, I have not forgotten him, but my foreseeable future is to wait the time and distance, so a dose of reality will not hurt either of us. We still write to each other daily; his letters cause a great fluttering inside me, my pupils dilating at the words inked on to the parchment, in fear that anyone else should read the private intimacies! But although the wait shall be long, we seem to have figured out how to keep our love alive...

Adieu for now, I need an early night before the pressures of responsibilities start to gather pace as of tomorrow. But I shall not be gone for long dear-heart, I could never abandon my writings, no matter what the world threw at me. Goodbye the Summer of my youth, and I welcome the gruelling winter of reality.

D. S.