Saturday, September 08, 2012

If I had ever been asked what it was in life that I so craved, I would never have answered with 'responsibility'. It is still not the answer I would give if someone were to ask me at this exact moment in time (I'm in the process of answering a letter from the Captain, my current cravings are rather more corporeal!) however, that said, in the future I can see myself searching for an iota of responsibility in this world we have created.

Only a week in to my new role as patroness and already I feel better about having a purpose in life. Who knew that there was more to life than endless frivolities? Of course I miss certain aspects of my previously care-free lifestyle, but the novelty of responsibility and direction has yet to wear off. And I'm not sure it will.

All this change in my life has given me a new-found perspective. 

I want to travel the world, but it is not a Grande Tour that I seek, rather I want to experience different cultures, see through another person's eyes and understand at least a trifle of the world we live in. To do this, I cannot ignore my own culture - and I cannot leave after only being home for three months.

The Antipodes will have to wait; though my journey may have no set destination, I know my heart belongs to that country... Mother posed an interesting conundrum today; who would I choose out of the Captain or the White Knight if their situations were reversed? If the White Knight lived 12,000 miles away in the Antipodes and my darling Captain were settled here in the Shire, only to disappear for months on end, would I feel any differently? 

Instantly I replied that nothing would make me happier than to have the Captain here with me, but after Mother raised an eyebrow I too began to question my motives... I adore the Antipodes. I love the country, the people, the culture and it truly was becoming my home. The Shire is my home, though I do not see me ending my days here where I have grown up.

The Captain, despite his title, does not have the luxury of travel to this side of the world, and it is one of the reasons I am all the more keen to return to the Antipodes. The White Knight on the other hand returns next month, and he has already made an appointment to see me. Emotionally, the Captain wins; wherever he may travel is where my heart must follow, but it does gladden my thoughts to know that he makes his home in the Antipodes.

I need to return and make up my mind about my future, but I know I cannot make any rash decisions and disappear like I did last year. Perspective makes me rather pensive, and  though my carnal thoughts may take over at any moment (it has been FAR too long now...) I have to admit that I am enjoying the role of Patroness and responsibilities that come with it.

I wonder how long this feeling of order coupled with elation will last before I can no longer stand to be in one place...

D. S.