Friday, January 30, 2015

Why is it that when I think I've made a decision to not make a decision and allow myself to drift along, the world then rears its head and illuminates the path it had already chosen for me long before I'd even thought about making a decision?

I'm not sure if that previous sentence made sense, but I shall elaborate.

Last time I wrote I had had a long hard look in the mirror, noticed the bags under my eyes from fretting about the future, and decided that the laughter lines that echoed on my skin had every right to be there. My life would be wonderful no matter which direction I chose, and I should just enjoy the moment and handle what life throws at me when it comes rather than planning years into the future. 

And seemingly life already had a plan. Thanks to the Coxswain, who has been more than a friend ~ both a guide and mentor ~ I have had some interest from the Capital, specifically the Garden of England, where an opportunity has arisen. I received a letter (thankfully not in the same manner as the other life-altering letter!) requesting my presence to see if I am worthy for a position of great esteem. I cannot say any more at the moment, nor do I want to prattle on as I'm afraid I will then give away my nerves. 

I am just as flattered as I was when I heard about the position of Lady-in-Waiting, though this time I think I may even be more apprehensive. I cannot deny that I want the position but the stakes are higher than ever! The Duke cannot keep following me around the world, and there have been talks about whether or not he will return to Bohemia after this Summer!

This is what I mean about life already having a plan for me... I decide not to take any action and hurry my travels despite my longing to see somewhere new and already the world has come a-knocking, asking for me to make my mark. I am looking forward to my journey south and hope to see Armiger and some other friends both before and after this prestigious interview (I may as well make the most of my time in the Capital) and also I will need some distraction if I am told I am unsuitable for the position. 

I have to admit that I am rather proud of myself, but am very aware of the gods' love of hubris and don't want to fall into a cycle of catharsis. I shall go and make the most of my time down south and will let you all know how I fare. 

Wish me luck!

D. S.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

There is nothing new to report from last week other than the temperatures have risen ever so slightly and everyone is already talking about the Summer months to come. I'm afraid that may be a little premature because we haven't had the heart of Winter yet, and I would not be surprised if the worst was yet to come. 

A very relaxing weekend passed, with little to report as the Duke and I lazed about enjoying each other's company. I did make some time to see the previous amour of the Coxswain as I have yet to hear his side of the story; we chatted for hours, though nothing of much consequence was said. Nevertheless, sometimes there is nothing more therapeutic than idle chatter.

It is a little too soon to think about what I may or may not being doing in 12 months time for, and I am the first to admit it, life often doesn't go according to plan. So why plan? I have never been considered the great architect of my life, rather allowing spontaneous whims to guide me on what has turned out to be a colourful path. Not once, all those years ago, could I have imagined I'd be living in close proximity to the love of my life, having discovered him deep in the heart of another nation! 

I am feeling a lot more confident that whatever happens will be for the best. I cannot think of which I'd rather choose, because each time I think I've decided, I only wake having convinced myself of the other! It is also true that some of me closest peers from my childhood are beginning to start families of their own, and it sometimes makes me wonder why I do not feel anywhere near ready for motherhood.

Is there something wrong with me? I adore children and work in close proximity with them as often as my station allows, but to have a brood of my own?! It is possibly the only conversation the Duke and I have not dared venture, though I believe that is because of a lack of interest on both our parts, rather than a fear of the subject itself. As happy as I am for my friends who have a great adventure ahead of them as Mothers and Fathers, I am much more content knowing that the whole world is still mine, a partially discovered oyster that has yet to release its pearl.

D. S.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Only a few days have passed  but already so much has happened, so I thought it was time to put pen to paper. 

I have made inquiries with some of my acquaintances about looking further afield for a position (one that would suit both the Duke and I) as well as writing letters imploring those in my closest circles to give me some advice about how to approach the tentative subject of 'the future'.

Letters have been sent near and wide, from the Shire to the Far East. where those who have made their home in an Asian culture have drawn unimaginable pictures with their tales. So much so that I yearn to see some of the wonders for myself.

Belle has given me her opinion on the matter, and as always she is full of insight (sometimes I wonder what I'd do without her!). Of course she has her own personal reasons for wanting me to say ~ who wouldn't ~ but she has made me realise that I do still have another year until my qualification is complete. Even though my training as a Lady-in-Waiting will be over in the Northern counties come this summer, for me to make the most of it, I do need another year working in practice for it to have the same weight around the world.

The Duke has left this decision entirely unto me. He has made his voice heard and I know what he'd prefer, but I have been given the responsibility to make this decision on my own. 

Alas, I adore travelling and am eager to see somewhere new. If it were up to me and I had no ties I would leave tomorrow. But I am no longer that person... I can't be. I have to grow up and make decisions responsibly. 

The Coxswain on the other hand tickled my fancy and almost made it sound like the other side of the world was a possibility. 

My head is not quite in the right place to make this sort of decision right now, but it's something that has been playing on my mind quite heavily... I miss waking up in a country that I have yet to explore.

Another journey awaits, and I only hope it is sooner rather than later. 

D. S.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Another Friday night and another bottle of wine. Does there seem to be some sort of a theme going on, or is that just me? Don't think my life has dwindled to a halt as I drink my weekends away, it is more to get myself through the work that has more than multiplied over the last fortnight. 

I still adore my position, though I do miss the freedom of Bohemia and the Antipodes, but I know that I am working towards an end that is within reach, I just need to get through the next six months. And to help me along, I have started discussing the prospect of the future with the Duke of Albany, as per my previous post. Travel is always at the forefront of my mind, and there are so many countries and cultures that I have yet to explore. The Duke is interested in what the world has to offer, and we are lucky to have few ties to our homes ~ but he is not keen to move this year.

I have made him move across the Continent to be with me and now I am asking the impossible; 'follow me to worlds unknown'. And as I write these words I can see how unfair I am being in my request for he has only just begun to make his home here in the Northern Counties, but I do not know how to still the longing in my bones and say goodbye to the journeys ahead.

There are so many questions to ask but I know my craving for travel will not dissipate, so there is no hurry to escape to the unknown any time soon. Yet I cannot feel comfortable without making plans for something different. I think I have become a little too comfortable, and there is nothing like repetition to eventually stagnate into boredom. The Duke is the man I hope to spend the rest of my life with, but I want us to have a life together that we can be proud of, not one where we just fall in to an unchanging routine, old before our time. 

It can't hurt to see what other opportunities there are out there, can it? 

D. S.

Friday, January 09, 2015

I apologise in advance for tonight's post as I've allowed myself to indulge in a little after hours drink and may have had one or two more than I should have. Doesn't mean that I can't write what is in my head, does it? Though maybe not all of my thoughts... Certainly it would be less damming than the last time I allowed my inhibitions to take over and write at the same time. But that doesn't mean I have to share it with the world. 

Bavaria is now a delicious memory and I am back in the arms of the Duke of Albany in the Northern county. It is lovely to be back, though the work of my post as Lady-in-Waiting has increased over the past few months. It is nothing I can't handle, but it does make me miss my more hedonistic lifestyle on certain days. 

The Duke and I have been discussing our future... There is nothing to worry about as we are more than happy with each other, but we are not as content in the Northern counties as we assumed we might be. That isn't to say that we are UNhappy, for I delight in my work and being close to the Duke is more than I could ask for, but I don't think we are to settle down and make our future home here in the Northern counties...

I have to admit I'm actually excited to think about where our lives may take us... Bavaria was a bit of a tease about what we could have on the Continent, but I know I'm intrigued to go even further afield. Why wouldn't we? We've got our whole lives ahead of us!

D. S.

Sunday, January 04, 2015

It is comforting to return to a place that you can call your own. The Duke of Albany and I have returned to the northern counties after our winter jaunt in Bavaria and it is almost a relief to be back somewhere where I am in control. As much as I love travelling, and that cannot be denied, it is delightful to enjoy a cup of hot cocoa in front of the fire in your favourite chair with your lover beside you.

Bavaria was inspirational as I have once again started writing for the renowned publisher, and though last year I made some impressive leaps forward in relation to this past time of mine, I didn't write with the same ferocity as when I lived in Bohemia. I know fair well that this is because of my current position of Lady-in-Waiting which takes up the majority of my time, and though I love what I do, it doesn't speak to my soul the same way that writing does.

The Duke and I have talked about what to do once my training as Lady-in-Waiting has completed this summer... We have both mentioned the Convent where we have spent time together, and though we both enjoy the break it gives us, there may be other opportunities further afield. It is far too early to make promises now... We have six months of gruelling work ahead of us before we can even begin to make provisions for the future.

Personally, I would once again travel abroad, to experience another lifestyle and discover another culture. The Antipodes and Bohemia were both so fascinating in their very different ways and I am not yet ready to stay in one place forever.

Forever is a very long time...

D. S.