Guilt is a strange concept for one who has never thought much of it. Only with him did I ever feel guilty and I did my utmost to refrain from his touch.


Now I have the dilemma of both the new Captain and the Stone Mason, though thankfully they are both single men whom I have the right to flirt with. And I had every intention to give in to their seductions without a second thought... Or so I had been led to believe.


Nay, I have not fallen foul to more despicable lies of secret betrothals, but rather I thought I could cope with having the two suitors at my beck and call. It seems I was wrong.


Though I have known the Stone Mason for longer I feel that the Captain has made more of an impact on my life. I thought his fawning would irritate me but he has a naive charm that I couldn't help but fall for. It hadn't really occurred to me, how much I cared for him, until I saw the Stone Mason again and felt an undeniable guilt at the secret I was keeping from my darling Captain!


It was the remorse that ate away at my soul as I smiled a blank smile at the Stone Mason, imagining the pain I was putting my innocent Captain in, if he ever found out. I cut my rendez vous with the Stone Mason short with a hurried excuse and scrawled the Captain a note. Thankfully I never sent it to him because it sounded far too much like a love letter, and I'm not in love with him.


Mother told me she was proud of my decision, even if it took me longer than most to finally make a volition. I was still a little apprehensive about choosing the Captain as my only suitor; his age, naivety, innocence, surely they should count against him?

Little did he know of the dilemma ravaging inside my head, yet still my eighteen year old Captain caught me by surprise and proved my decision right. The other evening he whisked me away without a single question and took me across the country to the West Coast to watch the sunset. Truly, you have never been alive until you have witnessed a sunset in the Antipodes. I was so happy I thought my cheeks were on fire from smiling and my heart would burst with happiness. 


Never before have I been treated such by a suitor... My young Captain has raised my expectations, though I don't want anyone else to even bother trying at the moment. I am perfectly happy with him. I hope I do him justice at the Rowing Ball tomorrow night. I would love to be at his side and make him proud. 


If only all my Ladies of the Shire were with me and could share in my happiness. I fear I may be changing slightly, maybe even growing up! Wouldn't that be rather paradoxical if my darling eighteen year old Captain helped me to mature?





D. S.

It has taken me a while to get my head wrapped around being back up North and away from my native Shire. Sometimes when I look back at my writing I cannot believe how much I take it for granted. In the Shire I am warm and taken care of. Up North, though I am not truly wanting for anything there is just a lack of poise that comes naturally to us Southerners.

But really, I have been back a fair few days and I do need to keep you up to date.

I had a letter waiting for me up North from Duke. It is a simple letter hoping that my journey was uneventful and that the letter finds me in good health. A small account of what he has been up to since being back in Scotland, sounds like he is trying to change a fair amount at the manor and I'm not sure how well that will go down with the cotters and greasmen. But no mention of my imploring letter filled with jealous vibes to which I am very thankful. I am not going to see him for months; I should just put him out of my head.

Of course, in being back up North I have had to cope with the humiliation of the affair. It is, apparently not so much of a scandal that I had thought; everyone had already thought our relationship was built on the physical and that it had been consummated months beforehand, therefore this just seems like another rumour of the same vein or another confirmation of previous affairs.

Harlequin gave me a hug, consoled me and helped me understand the situation before I had to face the public for which I am very grateful. He also gave me the courage to go and face him.

We passed each other in the great corridor two days ago. We were quite alone minus a few guards at their various posts. My heart stopped when I saw him. Can you believe that the last time I saw him I was creeping out of his room in the wee hours of the morning praying that he would not wake up and that I would not get caught?

He stopped when he saw me and was ever so gracious and polite, giving me the appropriate stance for my status. But before I could speak he took me aback with his blasé, 'I hoped I would bump into you, I have something of yours,' and produced my gold and sapphire ring. At the time obviously I had to hide my embarrassment at his simple acknowledgement of our affair, and I did. I think. I accepted the ring and asked after his Christmas and New Year at home with his family, and his wife. Apparently he had a lovely time but was glad to be back, he missed the Northern dramas that made him feel young. I had to leave him then. I refuse to get caught up in his wily charms again, so I guess it is better if we do not socialise in the same way as before.

I saw him again this morning while at church in the Cathedral. We exchanged little more than a fleeting glance and a courteous bow, trying to be no more excessive than how we acted before Christmas and it seemed to work. We received no looks that could be perceived as out of the ordinary. I need to close this chapter on him. I need to remind myself of the guilt I felt while at home and concentrate on that. Or so the priest told me at confession.

It is lovely being back at the Manor with all my Northern friends. They are so rowdy in comparison to my Ladies in the Shire, but I know that our scrapes in this new year will become memories that we will treasure forever.





D. S.

I managed to entertain friends this morning. Tea and cake and some rather scandalous stories. Apparently there is some concern as to the legitimacy of some acquaintances, and possibly some half-siblings running around. The drama that surrounds this certain family is quite astounding, not a month goes by without some sort of 'to do' regarding any member of the family. Yet it is always my friend, the Marquessa, who has to bear the brunt of her family's distressing situations.

It was lovely to see the Marquessa and the Baroness. Considering I have spent the last couple of weeks at home away from the city for the holidays I haven't spent as much time as I normally do with either of them. True the Marquessa has her new relationship to think of and the Baroness' charity work leaves her little time for socialising, but I have missed the general chit chat that normally amuses us this holiday. I wonder if it's partly to do with my own constant worry about this torrid affair, or whether our responsibilities are finally catching up on us.

Speaking of the affair, how I hate to have to be associated with that word, I sent a note containing the Season's Greetings to him. It is nearly the new year and still nothing. I do not know what I hoped, but at the very least a little acknowledgement!

I daren't contact him again, I don't want to arouse any suspicion, but this abandonment is causing havoc with my emotions. I need to know what he is thinking; regret, guilt, love, hate, or nothing. As I stare out of the window at the bleak frosty hills I can't help but think that I need to know before the end of the year so that I can start afresh. Yet I ran away from everyone before this scandalous gossip would have sunk in so I know that I will have to face it in a few weeks. I might not achieve any form of acknowledgement before the end of the year but at least it will be over soon. A few months and it should be forgotten. A few months.






D. S.

I can't believe that I succumbed to his ways. After everything that I said to persuade him against this infidelity I still gave in to his demands. Dare I say it's because I love him? Honestly I don't want to think about it anymore than I have to.

Which is all very well to say but I know that word will spread and soon I will have to defend myself against the judgement of those who have stronger willpower than I. I will have to stand up tall and close my heart from the slander that will surround my name and everything I touch. And I will have to do it alone. He cannot leave her and I don't expect him to leave her for me. That is why I never wanted anything to happen. But how could I refuse? He looked at me with such tenderness, caressed me with the utmost respect; ne'er a thought of the consequences crossed my mind. Not once.

But now as I have snuck home in the early hours of the morn I have the weight of guilt upon my shoulders. However hard I try to condone my actions and convince myself that it is he who is in the wrong, this black shadow of guilt has shrouded my mind and confession seems like the only answer. That or banishment. I cannot be trusted near him, nor he near I. Our friendship that blossomed over these last few months has been poisoned by our fulfilment of lust.

I have become what I once refused to acknowledge, the notorious other woman.





D. S.