Friday, December 09, 2011

Guilt is a strange concept for one who has never thought much of it. Only with him did I ever feel guilty and I did my utmost to refrain from his touch.

Now I have the dilemma of both the new Captain and the Stone Mason, though thankfully they are both single men whom I have the right to flirt with. And I had every intention to give in to their seductions without a second thought... Or so I had been led to believe.

Nay, I have not fallen foul to more despicable lies of secret betrothals, but rather I thought I could cope with having the two suitors at my beck and call. It seems I was wrong.

Though I have known the Stone Mason for longer I feel that the Captain has made more of an impact on my life. I thought his fawning would irritate me but he has a naive charm that I couldn't help but fall for. It hadn't really occurred to me, how much I cared for him, until I saw the Stone Mason again and felt an undeniable guilt at the secret I was keeping from my darling Captain!

It was the remorse that ate away at my soul as I smiled a blank smile at the Stone Mason, imagining the pain I was putting my innocent Captain in, if he ever found out. I cut my rendez vous with the Stone Mason short with a hurried excuse and scrawled the Captain a note. Thankfully I never sent it to him because it sounded far too much like a love letter, and I'm not in love with him.

Mother told me she was proud of my decision, even if it took me longer than most to finally make a volition. I was still a little apprehensive about choosing the Captain as my only suitor; his age, naivety, innocence, surely they should count against him?

Little did he know of the dilemma ravaging inside my head, yet still my eighteen year old Captain caught me by surprise and proved my decision right. The other evening he whisked me away without a single question and took me across the country to the West Coast to watch the sunset. Truly, you have never been alive until you have witnessed a sunset in the Antipodes. I was so happy I thought my cheeks were on fire from smiling and my heart would burst with happiness. 

Never before have I been treated such by a suitor... My young Captain has raised my expectations, though I don't want anyone else to even bother trying at the moment. I am perfectly happy with him. I hope I do him justice at the Rowing Ball tomorrow night. I would love to be at his side and make him proud. 

If only all my Ladies of the Shire were with me and could share in my happiness. I fear I may be changing slightly, maybe even growing up! Wouldn't that be rather paradoxical if my darling eighteen year old Captain helped me to mature?


D. S.

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