With hindsight it is easier to laugh at my previous musings. Of course I was never going to change, that was purely wishful thinking.
I have not reneged on my decision to choose the young Captain. I still want him and care for him, but it seems that he has moved on. There is more to it than that, but my cheeks flush with embarrassment at the thought of mentioning my heinous actions at the Rowing Ball he so kindly invited me too.
Many a drink was consumed, which of course should be no excuse, but it meant that I may have exercised my charm and flirtation skills rather emphatically with other members of my Captain's crew. He was less than impressed.
I did nothing truly untoward, only enjoy the company of the strapping young men; each better looking than the one before, and not one of them under twenty-one. The age shouldn't matter, I know this, but my young Captain's age only became more apparent as I talked to the rest of his crew... Just as I know now that I am trying to convince myself I wasn't too badly behaved.
Unfortunately I have to admit to my mistakes, of which there were many that night.
The young Captain has taken it upon himself to ignore my many apologies, though I cannot say that I blame him... I wish I could win back his affections, though I know not how!
In the midst of all these emotional turmoil, I had a splendid few days with the Gameskeeper's cousin. We wined, dined and danced our way through the cream of the Antipodean society and it was wonderful to see a familiar face. But even with all the fun I've been having it has not proved to be a large enough distraction from my blundering ways.
No mistake was made in choosing the young Captain. I know more than ever before that I made the right decision, but I just hope I have not ruined what could have been...