Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I have always tried to ignore what other people think of me; for one my reputation has always preceded me, and secondly, if I listened to all the vicious rumours then I would probably find it difficult to get out of bed...

But now, twelve thousand miles away from home I don't have my friends to comfort me when the rumours reach my ears, nor do I have the strength to defend  myself... Especially when half the scandals I hear are true.

The young Captain sent me a brief letterling after four days of silence only to humiliate me further. He said I was an embarrassment; not because of my intoxicated behaviour but more because of my inability to keep my flirtatious charms to a minimum. He didn't know what to expect, but it was certainly not having to vie for my attentions and compete with the other members of his crew. Nor did he count on having to take me home earlier than he would have liked.

I cannot deny any of these occurrences. Flirting to me is has honey to the bee, impossible to have one without the other, but I would have never taken it any further. An affair is not what I am after, I chose this young Captain because I care about him, he was always going to be the man I went home with, regardless of a little harmless flirting.

It is difficult to think about anything else, but I have the perfect distraction because my Father and Brother arrived in the early hours of the morn for a few of the Christmas weeks. I am finding such solitude in my family, but still I wish there was someone to talk to; Belle would understand my dilemma entirely, and the Coxswain would laugh at this Captain's misfortune at misunderstanding me... Surely he cannot expect me to change my entire personality for a relationship that hasn't even started yet?

My Shire darlings would coddle me and make me feel better but I have to stand firm on my own two feet and decide what to do. More decisions. Would I have had this jealousy problem with the Stone Mason? Normally it is I that suffers silent pangs of envy, but I know that wasn't my intention... I thrive on attention, it makes me happy, surely the Captain would want me to be happy? Though when I asked him this he answered, 'am I not enough to make you happy?'

I don't know. Honestly, he does make me happy, but with all the pressure of a relationship, I'm finding the whole concept rather daunting. This really isn't as easy as I thought it was going to be.


D. S.