Monday, May 10, 2010

I'm sitting in the library, staring out of the window trying to understand how this turmoil came around. It must have been lurking in the shadows for quite some time now just waiting for my most vulnerable moment. Or have I just become so accustomed to the furore that is my life that I accepted it without a moment's thought? Unfortunately I think the latter might be more apt.

The last few months have been a haze of parties and alcohol, a lifestyle that I never expected to embrace with such ease, but nevertheless I am having more trouble than I thought in ending this phase of my life. This is the start of a new week, one that I have vowed will not include any alcohol or any other deviants.

I suppose I should keep you up to date with the latest scandals, but honestly my head hurts just thinking about them. You know how I hate secrets, I would so much prefer everything to be out in the open, but there are those who judge and cannot hide the scorn from their eyes. I cannot claim to be innocent of judgement of course, yet I feel that with the torrid affair and the various suitors that I have entertained my judgement is my only saving grace? No that's not right, but with so much contempt and disregard flung my way, the only protection I can muster is my own judgement. (Even though I know full well that I bring my own judgements on myself.)

On a slightly separate note it seems that the couples have all disintegrated before my very eyes. I can't even imagine being able to comprehend their pain, it seems that my own heart turned to stone many years ago, but it does make life difficult with social functions. I only hope that there is something good to come out of all this drama because it has been long enough!

Speaking of my lack of heart, the Duke and I have been corresponding ever since the Winter in the Shire. It seems his parents have found him the perfect wife, some Lady Caroline, and they are to be wed in the summer. I dread to think of the spectacle that will become, with the entire County invited just for show. Of course I will go and give the support that my dear Duke deserves but no more than that. We have decided that once they are married any correspondence between the Duke and I will have to become more formal for risk of another affair. I know that my wily charms could seduce him, but I want more than to be his mistress and as long as I know that in my heart I am happy with my decision.

Farewell for now, I feel that I need to do something more productive today than just look out at the sunshine. And seeing as it has now been a whole two days without the delights of alcohol I need another distraction.






D. S.