Wednesday, August 29, 2012

To think that over a week has passed me by with little to no thought of my writing! Never before has life taken hold of me with such vigour that my writing has come second-best! 

The Capital, a carnival, the Duchess of Tuthershire, Armiger, and many more of their retinue made the long weekend more than I could have imagined!

It started off as a rather sensible affair until large quantities of drink were drunk in the Shire... An impromptu visit to the Capital seemed the only option and it was truly wonderful. The carnival was filled with people from all over the world; an all-singing, all-dancing affair with the utmost merriment. 

Of course such a parade of worldwide renown would attract many people, and I had the absolute pleasure of a fortuitous meeting with a former rower from my days in the Northern county! The contingency made me smile, and the rower couldn't believe that we'd managed to spot each other through the crowds. An ash tree shaded us as we spoke, and we promised to make contact next time I was in the Capital.

Needless to say I had an absolute ball, and was more than a little disappointed to return to the Shire. Yet life moves on, and at the start of next week I have to take my duties as a Patroness a little more seriously!

However much I complain the Shire does feel like home, yet I cannot lie to myself. I am waiting for the day I can return to the arms of my Captain and travel back to the Antipodes!

We correspond nearly every day and my thoughts are constantly of him. At long last I feel confident in his own feelings for me, but how long can I expect him to wait while I struggle to find an artiste worthy of my patronage?

Indeed the dilemma seems to be a constant one, and only yesterday Mother confronted me about why I was so determined to return to the Antipodes... Before I could think of a worthwhile excuse she asked point blank if it was for the Captain.

I was certainly stunned into a silence! I have not been shy about my feelings for the Captain, however I thought Mother would have been too distracted by my cavorting with the White Knight to remember my younger lover. But astute as ever, Mother knows best... She did not condemn the relationship, to my utmost relief, but she was wary of following my heart 12,000 miles away from home.

Even after tonight, a delightful evening with my Ladies and Armiger, with the people I am most comfortable with and whom I am most honest with... I couldn't but help let my thoughts stray to the Captain, every waking, sleeping moment he occupies my heart and I cannot let distance be the better of us! I just can't.

D. S.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

To be a patron and wage that sort of power... Well it comes with a hefty amount of responsibility!

I have yet to take my new found role seriously and I have asked Father for a few weeks respite before searching for an artiste worthy of my name. In doing so I have returned to the hazy hedonistic friendships from the Northern Counties. Harlequin dared to visit my Shire and scuttled me away to a Southern fiesta that house all sorts of pagans and druids - none of which the likes before I had seen! It was magical, and I thoroughly enjoyed the experience, but it is safe to say that I did not quite fit it!

Belle and my wonderful Irish Lady of Corcaigh have left me with the promise of a visit to their homes... I can't wait to make that journey across the Irish sea! Belle has yet to say anything about her month of silence, but I too have failed to ask any poignant questions. Is it wrong of me to expect her to tell me in her own time?

I cannot fathom this unexpected feeling of loss I have after the end of the Convent! I enjoyed my time there, though at times it was fraught, but I never thought I'd long to go back! Hopefully this next fortnight keeps me occupied and my thoughts stray away from the Convent and the priest!

The Captain, at long last, has been told about my future here in the Shire; 12,000 miles away from the Antipodes and away from his arms. He has yet to respond to the extended time between us and I constantly question how we are to fare if fate is against us??

The White Knight has sent his final letter before delving into the world of the unknown. I cannot believe I have two months to wait until I hear from him again. I promised to write to him, knowing that he can hear from me will make the time go more smoothly for him, even if I have to wait in the dark.

Soon I will have to be more responsible, and I look forward to the challenge, but until then I shall flourish doing what I do best!

D. S.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Darlings I know I have been rather scarce of late, however the Convent's last few days were hectic to say the least, and while I was panicking about my future it seems like fate has intervened.

The Convent is over... Of course it is still running throughout the year, but my time has come to an end. Have I atoned for all my sins? I'd love to give an affirmative response, but other than my dalliance with the White Knite, which was of proper propriety, the last few days have been less so.

The priest's judging looks have waned, only due to his interest in the latest patron and his greed to claim even more monetry value for the Convent. I'd love to think that it was for the good of the church, the Convent and its parishioners, but I know better. 

The White Knight has suffered on his travels abroad defending our Great country, but he informs me that all will be well. I miss him, and I'm surprised by how much... It seems my heart has much more space than I'd previously imagined to cope with distance.

Speaking of which, my Antipodean Captain has kept in close contact, letters arriving nearly every day and they speak of that which cannot be mentioned. But I am pleased to say that I have reciprocated in a similar manner... I cannot wait to see him again, we shall not be able to keep our hands off each other!

On a trip to the Capital Belle finally broke her vow of silence; no explanation, no fanfare, she just responded to an indirect question! It seems she needed some space before making a huge decision and wanted to do it in the solitary confinement of the Convent... What the decision is though, I have yet to find out.

The nun departed earlier than most, leaving most hastily without a word of goodbye. I hope she is well, and that nothing has happened to her darling little boy. For why else would she abscond so hurridly?

As for me, I am home with Belle and an Irish lady from Corcaigh and we are planning a few days of rest, to recover from the last two months of the Convent. But not only do I have my friends about me, I too have had a decision made for me. Father has decided that I must make the most of my skills; no marriage just yet (though I could tell Mother disagreed with that) but rather becoming a Patroness in my own right! 

Father says he trusts me to choose and guide either a poet, musician, or author that will make our family name proud. I, for one am indebted to my Father. He knows and understands my appreciation for the Arts and I hope I can do his faith in me justice!

D. S.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

I'm feeling a little forlorn and lost as my time at the Convent wavers on the apex of its denouement, lacking direction and a purpose. I remember this frustration about a year ago and my answer was to leave the Shire, to travel 12,000 miles and abandon any semblance of a life I'd known before. 

Shall I make that drastic decision again and leave rather hurriedly? I cannot yet give a confirmation as to my future whereabouts, only knowing that my time at the Convent is dwindling and soon I shall be free to make more mistakes.

The White Knight has written reams about his travels abroad and the difficulty he had in the decision to leave ~ but of course I understand that his duty to his country comes before me. It was wonderful having his attentions focussed on me, but his intensity was rather daunting.

I heard from the brunette no more than a few days ago... She is on her way back to the Antipodes and truly my heart skipped a beat when she told me that the Captain would be on board her ship. The pang I felt reminded me of the love I have left behind; three months we have been apart and still I think about him with tenderness. The feelings are rather more sporadic these days, but I think it does not help that I do not know what the future holds.
a peek looking up under Marie's bed at Versailles

As I lie in my bed, staring up at the ceiling, regrets pool at the edge of my thoughts, despite my life's ambition to live with no regrets. What would I change if I had the power to go back in time? Is there anything I would or would not do again?

D. S.

Thursday, August 02, 2012

Not for the first time fate seems to have taken an unexpected turn... The White Knight has once again to own up to his responsibilities and duties to our country and leave the Shire on the cusp of a possible relationship. 

I do not deny my disappointment in the failed endeavour for I feel his intentions were genuine, but there is another man that my heart yearns for...

Of course the Captain has not been forgotten in betwixt the White Knight's courtship, however the Captain's name is not a lone memory. A previous amour (if not THE previous amour) has tainted my dreams with the echo of his love making, and I cannot help but crave his touch!

It is terrible for me to think such sinful thoughts while at the Convent, but this abstinence is only felt all the more keenly as time continues to elapse! I'm sure Belle is feeling the same way, and she cannot even vent her frustrations through word of mouth because of her vow of silence. I could not give up both at the same time, that is for sure!

I only have two weeks more at the Convent, then I shall no longer have to contend with the judgemental stares of the priest's. I do feel that I have learnt a lot more this year as I have not strayed into the Scottish Earl's arms, nor have I forgotten my feelings for the Captain. I truly miss him... As do I miss the touch of a man!

I have to stop thinking about that; these sordid thoughts are not meant to be written down. If my Mother were to read this she would turn fifty shades of scarlet with embarrassment! But it cannot be a sin to think of what I would do if the Captain, the White Knight or paramour were here... Can it?

D. S.