The time between written posts passes too quickly and there are days when I forget that I have a duty to myself to record what it is that I do, where I go and how I feel. I wonder how long it'll be before this hobby of mine dwindles to a halt and it too becomes a fleeting memory, for I have no greater commitment in my life than the few words I share on these pages and the colours that I allow to drip on to a blank canvas. 

Though life is not as bleak as I portray it to be. 

Actually I am ever so fortunate. Another year older if not wiser, and though the frivolities were many and the permanent marks almost as damming as in previous year, I do feel more content. There are moments of dissatisfaction, but in general, I cannot believe my good fortune and I hope I show my appreciation to the Goddess. 

I only have a few more weeks in the Far East before returning to the Shire for the summer. Again I shall be at the Convent, (I cannot remember a time where the summer and the Convent weren't intermingled), and I shall have my darling Irish Lady by my side. I cannot wait to cavort in my overly-familiar stomping ground with my blue-eyed darling. She is almost as adventurous as I am in some aspects, and far exceeds me in others!

It will be delightful to catch up with my wonderful Ladies of the Shire and I cannot wait to watch my darling Armiger walk down the aisle. There are so many people to see and so many people that I am looking forward to spending some time with, if only for a few long summer evenings.

Though it cannot be said that I am not enjoying my time here in the Orient. I am off on some more travels in a few days, accompanying a truly captivating creature who I daren't write any more about at present. The Scottish Earl is still sojourning in the Far East for a while longer, which makes for interesting dinner conversation. And the musician, with his deep, soul-searching eyes... He is more than a little difficult to comprehend. Indeed, there is all manner of confusion in my head and heart and I know that I am the one who is going to end up burned, but truly I don't know how to do anything other than what I'm doing... I shall just have to wait and see how I manage to cope with the path I have forced myself down.

D. S.

The end of another month is nigh and already I am closer to the spring, when the flowers break through the frosty soil and stretch towards the warm glow of the sun. Then I have to look forward to the summer months back in my homeland... Last year still feels like a dream, yet the summer is already approaching at a speed I'd forgotten. It's a wondrous prospect to go back to the Convent, doing something that I love with the friends and family that I don't get to see often enough, but it's astonishing when I think about all that has occurred since I arrived in the Far East. 

Love and loss... Well, more like love and lessons learned, something that I realise I am still in the midst of, despite my loud affirmations that I already know everything. Life and how to react and respond to other people... It seems this is not something I excel at.  I love to socialise, to be the centre of attention, and I crave acceptance from others, even if I am not as interested in giving them anything more than my judgement. I am harsh, overly-critical and not as affected by the idea of self-improvement as I should be.

Yet there is another side to me that I have been cultivating out here in the Far East, one that I haven't had the pleasure of since my time in Bohemia. I write, I draw, I paint. Yes this entry is dripping in upright, self-indulgent 'I', but I can't get myself out of my head. My mind is focused only on my emotions, my feelings, my opinions, my choices and decisions. Though I know I need to be aware of how these actions effect other people. 

I believe I know what the problem is... I am my own worst enemy. I don't look to fix myself, because that would be admitting there was a problem in the first place, and that is something I cannot bring myself to do. That is my biggest lesson, and there is more to learn that what I have discovered so far.

Love... I flit, I flee, I fly. It's an intangible emotion that cannot carry any weight, though people base their entire life decisions on a feeling. I too am one of those people, yet I know I am too scared to completely let go like I have done in the past. If I cannot be my scared, contradictory, paradoxical self, then who am I? What am I supposed to be?

Another question for another lesson.





D. S.

There is so much that I have to tell and I haven't a clue where to start. The last time I wrote I was enjoying my life in abundance with the brunette and making good one of my new year's resolutions. Since then much has happened; words have been said and mistakes have been made, so much so that they could be life-altering.

But does that mean I have the strength to talk about them, to write them down? I have to admit that I am the guilty party, the one more culpable in these latest occurrences, and if I actually put pen to paper and own up to the crime... Then that cannot be undone.

I know that over the years I have flitted in and out of people's hearts, cities, countries without so much as a second thought as to the consequences of my actions. I have always been rather hedonistic, and though I had toned down my behaviour of late, it seems that my so-called maturity was nothing more than a facade. 

Nevertheless, I am back in Dearne Valley for my final month of solitude before I travel to Brighthelmstone for the summer. I am fortunate that the Irish Lay of Corcaigh is gracing me with her presence this weekend, so as to distract me from my ever tumbling thoughts of despair. We have not seen each other since that eventful night in Bohemia and I cannot wait to reminisce and make new memories with her. 

My week in the Shire was more relaxing than I give it credit ~ both my father and brother were in attendance and it was delightful to spend some time with them, feasting and celebrating our successes in life. 

I even managed a short jaunt to the northern counties, catching a glimpse of the Duke of Albany before he disappeared on a rendez vous of his own. I miss the city that I have called home for so many years. Though the Shire runs through my veins, the northern counties will always tug at my heart. Much like the Antipodes and Bohemia will always bring me fond memories. 

I am not yet brave enough to utter the sin I have committed. Instead I sway back and forth between burying my head in the ground and moving on entirely. For truly, the only way is forward.



D. S.

I have started and redrafted this post so many times I cannot for the life of me remember what it was I first wanted to talk about. 

Nevertheless... Weeks have once again sprinted past, without so much as a second glance, and as usual I have had very little time to myself. I have been so overwhelmed by my busy lifestyle of late that I have sat in silence, doodling and daydreaming on my own all evening, trying to recuperate from the hubbub of the Capital.

I adore the Capital. I know I have mentioned this sentiment whenever I tend to visit, but I love the pace and the anonymity that comes with being just another face... That is until I leave, when I breathe a sigh of relief, anxious to get back to my life where I am known. Infamy certainly has its perks. 

I suppose I should start at the beginning. The Marquessa and Baroness joined me nearly a fortnight ago in Dearne Valley, dragging the Duke in tow for some belated birthday celebrations. We drank and were merry and it took me a few days to recover. But it was wonderful.

Until I realised the week ahead of me would be one that could have had a damning affect on my future. I had to prove my worth as a Lady-in-Waiting, every gesture scrutinised and critiqued, looking for a fault. Thankfully I passed with flying colours and have only the one more visit to contend with. I shall make a note NOT to drink as heavily the weekend before.

Because I was so fraught with nerves I was barely able to write anything coherent, worrying only about the observation that was to come. However, I was rewarded with my visit to the Capital. I socialised with friends and acquaintances whom normally grace me with their presence only during the summer months, so it was wonderful to reminisce about my time at the Convent in both the Shire and Brighthelmstone. It is an odd feeling to have an extended family, as such, that are in some ways closer than my Ladies of the Shire because of the concentrated time we spend together, yet we go more than half a year without much contact. It does not make much sense, but I thoroughly enjoyed the company over the weekend.

There was nothing I could fault. 

If anything... It has awakened my usual yearning for my summer in Brighthelmstone, before my journey to the Orient.

D. S.

Again. A decision was made only to have it blown in the wind by a gentle breeze, scuppering any chances of stability in my life. 

It had been decided by the gods that I was to return to the Shire for the Summer. I had delighted in the fact that I would be able to return home for a good few months and enjoy a countryside lifestyle that I have missed before having to commit to another year as the perfect role model. But it seems the gods are more fickle than I gave them credit for, and now I have another decision to make. 



Brighthelmstone or...



The Shire.

They are both within my grasp and the opportunities are equally astounding, and I am more than delighted to be considered. However, I shall have to go through the pros and cons of each before I ultimately make my decision. 

Brighthelmstone is closer to my heart as I spent the last two summers there, frolicking on the beaches and making friendships, however I may not necessarily have the Duke with me and there will no doubt be fewer returners than last year and it is an enormous responsibility. 

The Shire is my home. I know the paths like the palm of my hand and I haven't spent more than a few weeks there since the Antipodes. Nevertheless, there are some memories of the Convent that I would rather keep under wraps and I would hate for history to repeat itself...

I have already made a decision in my head, but I sometimes worry that I plunge into new situations without spending the necessary time to consider the consequences (twenty year old me, I'm looking at you!).

Fortunately, I have the luxury of time before giving my answer. 

In other news, I have been joined by my Mother. She has been regaling me with tales of her travels yonder and I have to admit I am more than a little jealous. It doesn't seem so long ago that I was calling another country my home and discovering what it meant to live for myself. It is wonderful to see her, of course, but it is only a fleeting visit as she is soon to return to the Continent to visit her own father. 

It's amazing what we put ourselves through for our family.

I have much to ponder, and value the various opinions flying my way; it is interesting to note that the Duke and my Mother are on the same page for this...



D. S. 

A return to normality? What would it even be like to have 'normality'? What does that even mean? 

If only I knew. 

I have returned to my studies and have had the greatest pleasure of spending more time with the wonderful ladies of the North. We have much in common and have discussed at length the fun we had many moons ago. Not too far in the discernible future shall we hope to replicate that evening with copious goblets of wine, when we have a little less to do and a little more to celebrate. 

The Duke and I have continued to discuss our future and never more have I been more unsure about what the future holds. 

The Summer, yes! The Summer I have already planned to spend at the Convent ~ Brighthelmstone or the Shire I have not yet decided ~ but after the long summer days... Then what?

The Duke of Albany seems torn between staying or going to pastures new and I know that I do not have the right to dictate his life for another year... And yes I do enjoy spontaneity, but I would like some say in the future! Somehow I doubt that that will be the case. Instead I shall have to while away the hours not knowing, having to make a decision at the very last minute. 

I'm complaining for the sake of it... I have nothing more to say that I haven't already said, and yet I still feel unsettled. I want to see the world. Yet I have another year before I can call myself 'teacher' and it irks me to know that I am chained to my responsibilities ~ even though I know this is a life I chose for myself. 

I don't know what it is I am looking for... But there is something else.



D. S.

So where was I?

Ahh, yes, the surprise that was well worth the wait... After the Duke and I had made passionate love in the library and feasted with his family upon his return, we made plans to visit the South of Bohemia, a medieval town not that far away from the European capital of music, Vienna.

Český Krumlov is absolutely stunning, with rolling hills and dramatic mountains. The Vltava river meanders through the busy streets and gurgles lovingly at the foot of the castle. We shared such a wonderful time together, just the Duke and I, in this small little town, that I know it will always hold a special place in my heart, though we were only there for a few days.

I made an active decision not to ruin the weekend we had together by giving into the artist's demands and questioning the Duke about the other women in his life. I believe I am the only one in his heart now, and if he has had past lovers then that only makes him all the more experienced for me. And certainly he knows exactly what he is doing! 

It was only once we returned to the City of a Hundred Spires did it occur to me to ask about my surprise, which had seemingly been so easily forgotten. The Duke of Albany grinned at me, his blue eyes hinting at mischief, and he told me to wait in the Palace gardens, and without another word he disappeared. 

Of course I was slightly disgruntled as the seconds turned to minutes and there was even a panicked moment when I thought he wasn't going to return. But at long last he turned the corner and presented me with my dearest and most wondrous Belle! How he managed to convince her to travel the Continent and come and visit me I shall never know, but I only hope he knows my appreciation and gratitude.

We could not stop talking and it gave the Duke much gladness to see Belle and I reunited after so many months. The next few days that followed were in complete bliss and I cannot even recall what it is that we did. However, now that they have both left I feel rather empty, something I have never felt before here in Bohemia.

Again I have a month at least to wait until I get to see the Duke again. The distance does take it's toll, for we take at least a day to adjust to one another's company, whereso I noticed that Belle and I instantly recovered. But I look forward to the summer where the three of us can promenade around the Brighthelmstone convent and enjoy the sun's rays.

But for now I am alone, and they two, are travelling back to my Shire. 

D. S.

There is nothing so frustrating as waiting for someone else. Whether it be a rendez vous, a soirée or even a humble acknowledgement of a letter so keenly sent, there is nothing that irks me more than waiting for someone else to consider deigning me with their time and effort.

I am still waiting for my 'most courteous servant' to respond to my letter appertaining to his invitation. Patience is not a virtue that I spent cultivating while in the Convent. Belle has patience galore and I marvel at her ability to wait, to not mind the time that passes, but I'd much prefer to have a more direct approach. In fact I don't appreciate the anonymity that has been veiled from me. I have an idea as to whom the invitee may be but I have no grounds for any of my thoughts.

Oh, I forget that in my waiting I have not even described the stance I chose when developing my own riposte. It was majestic;

But alack and alas, said courtier has stayed as elusive as before, nor have I even had the displeasure of his unruly messenger. I don't know how long I am expected to wait, but I shall not sit idly twiddling my thumbs.

I manage to keep myself busy wandering the streets of the City of a Hundred Spires. This country has so much history and knowledge that I was and still am completely ignorant of. I long to know more, but the language barrier is difficult and I am studying to become more coherent and understood to those that have their lives here. I enjoy the quiet and the opportunity to contemplate on all that has happened and all that has yet to happen.

But my fatigue increases as time passes with no response from this less than courteous servant.

D. S.

I know I ranted previously about the incapabilities of men ~ the greatest flaw of that gender being their inability to comprehend that they may not be wanted. I claimed there was nothing in particular that spiralled me down to the level of loathing I had for the opposite sex, however that isn't strictly true.

There isn't one specific turn of events, just a compilation of experiences that I hope never again to encounter. Indeed, though I have no complaints whatsoever about how I live my life, and I am eternally grateful for all the generosities my parents have bestowed and what my social status accomplishes, it is rather like being considered a prize mare, waiting around for the highest bidder.

Of course I won't say I was running away from my responsibilities as a daughter, but Mother was none to please when I broke off my faux betrothal to the blonde Esquire, and I know she was less than indifferent to the Prussian Knight. I don't know what my parents expect of me. Am I supposed to somehow marry a Prince? And what of my feelings? Hark should they get taken into account.

But all of this was grumbled to myself in a carriage on a short journey between towns before an even greater liberty was taken, by none other than a chauvinistic male, a lowly messenger. 

The roads in Bohemia are as safe as any other roads on the Continent (I shall not compare them to the windy paths of the Shire that I would know blindfolded) but as it so happened, on a journey I was partaking, we were stopped. I was mid thought, mid curse, mid vent for I have been suffering from anxiety and frustration ever since I left the Convent and I barely noticed the carriage stall. 

Eventually I called out to my driver, Jeeves, to explain the meaning of the wait but was answered with an ambiguous yelp. It did not occur to me that outside may be dangerous, so I soon clambered out the carriage, bustling skirts in tow, to be faced with Jeeves waving his sword in the face of another man who was brandishing his own weapon most scurrilously. I was frozen in time for I could not believe what was before my eyes, and it was the two men who noticed me first (I blame the million petticoats that rustle as I move).

The stranger stopped as he saw me, lending an opportune moment to Jeeves who sliced through the man's navy lapels. Jeeves look positively horrified at the thought of making contact with an actual body that he dropped his sword. Most terrible was what occurred next; I laughed. It was awfully rude of me, but I couldn't help myself. Thankfully the atmosphere seemed to dissipate, but I was not foolish enough to trust a man with no name who yields at the sight of a lady.

As said stranger stepped closer, he stooped to pick up the sword from the dry ground and handed it, hilt first, back to Jeeves. I was perplexed, but had thankfully taken control of my laughter. Also I knew I had a small pistol mercifully sewn into the pockets of my underskirt. I was not afraid.

Two steps closer the stranger came, before he uttered a coherent sound. He addressed me by name and handed me a sealed letter. I had my fingertips resting on the trigger of the pistol in my pocket the entire time, but I think we both knew I would never pull it. He left with a bow, whistling to gorgeous black steed, and made no apology for his actions.

I am still furious with this individual for incapacitating Jeeves and for his rudeness. Nor have I yet opened the letter... All I can see is that it is addressed to "The most splendid, illustrious, serene and eminent lady of pleasure"... If that is not thinly veiled misogyny (or indeed an honest compliment) then I must question all I have ever learnt. 

I hold the letter in my hand. It has been two days. 

Shall I open it?



D. S.

What can I say when once again I have forsaken the Shire in the hope of learning more about another culture hundreds of miles away? I do not claim to comprehend all there is to know about my own Shire, my home town, nor even all the rooms of the South Wing ~ but I have that as my foundation, it is my rock and I have all the world to see before I surround myself with familiar walls and listen to the memories of amicable yet unchanging winds.

The Continent has beckoned and I have followed without a second glance of what could have been and what I have left behind. Time waits for no man, and nor do I. The world is my companion, the stars my guiding light, the adventure of the unknown that I crave has overtaken any physical desires. Maybe the Convent did spark an epiphany, it certainly changed my perspective on a few things, but travelling and writing are all that I want at this moment in time.

If one were to ask where I have travelled, my response may cause quite a stir ~ Bohemia and Central Europe. I have never seen countryside quite like it, nor do I know enough of the history to comment on its current politically tumultuous occurrences, al I know is I have a new home, and a new life to start. 

Of course new beginnings bring fond memories of the Antipodes and the young Captain whom I think of often, and even my longer acquaintance with the blonde Esquire... Here I am looking for no man, only peace and tranquillity that comes with a lack of the presence of testosterone and berating, pawing men.

Why are they never happy until they have consumed you and claimed you for their own? As flattering as it is to be wanted by a man, I shall choose and make my own decisions about whom I want. And if he does not want me, then that is a challenge I shall accept, as would be the rejection, should it follow.

Most men I have met do not seem to understand, or even comprehend the idea that they may not be wanted. It is the greatest flaw of the supposed greater sex. Their egos blind them and they view women as nothing more than a trophy.

I do not want saving. I do not want to be cherished. I want to be allowed to travel the world, I want someone who will dare me to climb the tallest tree and laugh at my failures. I do not want to be coddled and put on display like some dumb animal. I have a voice and I have never been afraid to use it, but men... How often they have tried to silence my thoughts and stake a claim that was never theirs to begin with.

No doubt it is easy to tell that I am somewhat infuriated and there is nothing particularly specific to render any blame. My writing as of late has been scarce and I am putting blame on my ability to get distracted by men. Here I am without men, without anyone, and I am writing more than I have for months.

Maybe I am my greatest downfall, I know how easily I give in to temptation, but I feel at peace knowing I am free of all men. I am my own person.

Sometimes, all I'd like, is to meet someone who wants me to be my own person.

D. S.

Even in the shrouded cloisters of the Convent do the Governess, Belle and I manage to divulge in drunken debauchery. An entire weekend of dancing and dallying with the supposed 'undesirables' of the world has piqued my interest to those who have a purely more hedonistic idealism that I so wish to mirror.

Brighthelmstone was host to one of the most magnificently fabulous events of the year. Lords, ladies and every possible character in between feasted at the festival that promotes the belief in one love, which is all we need. I fully support everything that Brighthemstone had to offer; there was music from around the world and morning dips in the sea, an array of lovers giving their utmost devotion to their cause. It was beautiful ~ and that's not just the overflow of damson wine that we had to drink. Even days later I remember the peaceful calm that clasped through the entire festivities.

I cannot believe that the Convent is coming to an end. Only a week do we three have left in the iron grip of the Convent. To say it has purged me of my sins would be far too optimistic, though I do believe it has helped to give me some direction. I have only three days of the Shire before departing to warmer climes in Iberia. Even fewer days do I have on my return before my travels to the Eastern continent.

It is oh so joyous to have an idea of where my life is heading, but I have barely left breathing time, not to mention a complete lack of time for error. I have no worries, only a slight apprehension. And it has intrigued me to hear from my Mother that the Peacock gentleman has enquired after me back in the Shire...

I don't know if I even a moment to spare to share a conversation with the flirt, but as an ego boost I may as well have the last word before I leave? I see no harm in a casual flirtation. And I shall have the Prussian Knight for entertainment in Iberia... Which I suppose will be less sordid!

I cannot wait for the future to come beckoning, but at the same time I am blissfully content with all I have right now, in this exact moment.



D. S.

I have made a decision. A radical decision. Iberia is calling my name and the dark haired Prussian Knight and I are going to spend a fortnight cavorting on the golden sands, not caring about the little details that are too inclined to cling to the hem of my undergarments and weigh me down.

Iberia of course is nothing new, nothing radical (not like before) and I plan on enjoying every second that I get to spend with the dark haired Prussian Knight. Afterwards however, I now have a plan of action.

A grande tour is too extravagant, too conspicuous and I feel I would lose touch with the world that I so much crave. Instead I have managed to convince my parents that I am to travel across the Continent to the Eastern borders and make a home for myself and my retinue and learn another country's culture.

I shall of course be in disguise, for a female cannot travel on her own without a reason, these are such the trappings of the life I lead, but I want to get to know another country. I remember the love I felt for the Antipodes, it shall always be my second home. But is it so wrong to want a third, a fourth?

I want to understand why there are differences in religions and races, what values different people fight for. I want to know that there is more in this world than the debauchery I have lavished upon myself for so long.

Answers shall not come swiftly for me, and I do not expect this to be easy. The gruelling task of crossing the Continent shall be mine to bear, but I look forward to the challenge once the Convent has released me from its iron grip.

It was hard for me to let the Prussian Knight know of my decision to leave the Shire; we had become terribly fond of each other's company, but I know in my heart that travelling and learning and seeing the world mean more to me than any sort of relationship we could etch out.

I watch the rain fall for the first time in a month. The yellow grass desperate for the attention of the significant droplets, the trees yearning for more than a mere smattering. A thunderstorm is brewing, there is tension in the air and an electricity that cannot be ignored.

Something is about to change.



D. S.

The convent has once again become a little bubble that is impossible to burst... Of course all things do come to an end, the end is one of life's only inevitabilities, but until then I shall continue to fritteraway my time here in the glorious sunshine.

Belle and I have had wonderful excursions to Brighthelmstone, dipping our delicate toes into the English Channel. I too have had the pleasure of my dark haired Prussian knight while cavorting on the coast. We dined and danced and pleasured like it was the last evening on earth. I cannot fathom not knowing him for we are so alike. However, my path may once again take me travelling to yonder countries, and I cannot afford to let my guard down and have our hearts as one if I am to rip it away.

Distance and love are not friends.

I adore the company I keep here in the Convent. I greatly miss the Irish lady of Corcaigh and the with no scolding priest I am almost more well behaved! It's an intriguing thing to know what pushes my imagination. And nothing makes me want to misbehave more than being told 'no'.

I shall have the wonderful pleasure of the Prussian knight once my time at the convent has come to an end. We are to travel together to Iberia and frolic in the Mediterranean Sea.

D. S.