Monday, April 30, 2012

To think that months have turned into weeks, and soon I shall only have days left in the Antipodes...

My entire time here no longer seems tangible. I have few concrete relationships to hold on to, and even the closest friendships I have forged shall no doubt unravel with the distance. I'm referring to the brunette as much as the Captain, for these are the two whom I shall miss the most. Until I have made a decision of where my future belongs, I do not know when I shall return to the Antipodes, making the farewell even more poignant. 

The entire situation makes me acknowledge the sense in the Captain's earnest plea for friendship; my heart would not have the time to heal after letting him back in with such zest. And I don't think he could ever trust me again, not properly, so it would take the little time we could have had to get to a more physical relationship...

Never mind. I can't dwell on what has been done.

Death makes us realise what matters in life. My family. My friends. And a belief in the life I want to lead. As hedonistic as I have let myself be, I know I want more to life. The two emotions duel in my heart as I struggle with the inner turmoil. 

How can one not live in the present when all our days are numbered? Yet, how can one not plan for the future, make provisions and listen to our urging hearts who leap towards the idea of a partner and a family?

There was an incident with a friend over the weekend that involved the breaking of the law, and that too helped to clarify what I do and don't want in life... It was nothing too outlandish, no one was murdered. But I was affronted at the entire situation and had to use my guile to get my friend out of trouble - trouble that I hadn't even known he was in - and of course use my stature to make sure no feathers were ruffled.

I wouldn't have cared if the incident had not occurred at the most untimely of moments, and I was left feeling somewhat frustrated! I suppose I should have learnt my lesson! I am finding life a little harder at the moment, I even miss the company of the English gentleman (though probably more for his skill in the bedroom than conversation), and crave the solid friendships of the Shire.

I would like a meaningful relationship... Is that too much to ask for?

D. S.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Forgiveness, understanding, sorrow, regret... Are these the emotions that make us human? A week has passed since my Nana's untimely death, and though I have been hard at work instead of mourning, I carry her in my heart with every task I undertake. Indeed it is her... Was her, staunch views that made me want to forgive the Captain. That and I cannot seem to contain my estrangement for him.

But this forgiveness met with a few difficulties. As hard as it may be to comprehend, I am far less eloquent in the flesh than you would at first believe... 

Considering I pride myself on my impulsive behaviour and brashness, I often fail to utter the words I am thinking. At the most poignant of moments I seem to retreat into an abyss of silence, my eyes begging my audience to understand the turmoil within me.

Take tonight, for instance; a moonlit rendez vous with my (current) one and only, the Captain. Words are said on both parts, but the 19-year-old is more concise than I am, and he steers the conversation towards the only possible outcome, friendship. I knew that this was the inevitable conclusion. In all truthfulness it's even better than what I could have coped for because it was so amicable.

I leave for the Shire in 6 weeks, just a casual 12,000miles, with no return to the Antipodes in sight. The Captain too, has many voyages on the horizon and I do not want to stand in the way of what he is meant to do. All this and more points directly towards friendship, a friendship that I have condoned and even welcomed, even if it is not quite what I would have wanted.

I cannot even blame the Captain  for he gave me the opportunity to disagree. He opened with the alternative; six weeks of physical pleasure and emotional intrigue, only to be left high and dry as we parted ways. I answered the only way I know how, with a raise of the eyebrow and a flippant remark.

I know it seems that I crave carnal indulgence more than most, but it is my heart that longs and aches for understanding. My body has experienced its most gratifying desires, but I would forsake all that just to be loved. These are the words that I couldn't find. These are the words, albeit in a roundabout way, that I wanted to tell the Captain.

Friendship is enough for me, it truly is, as long as he knows that physical satisfaction is not all that I was after. It has been six months, I've had other men, yet still the Captain reigns supreme in my mind and in my heart. Having him in my life as a friend, far outweighs the possibility of not having him at all.

Though in six weeks, I will not have him at all.

D. S.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Could you please all form an orderly queue? I know there are quite a few of you who want to utter the fulfilling, 'I told you so', and I don't think I can take a cacophony of the berating. One at a time, please.

Everything I have ever felt for the Captain has been shattered into a million pieces, and ripped from my very soul. There is nothing more to feel. I didn't know a heart could break more than once for a single person...

But all this heartbreak is by the by. I will recover. I am currently more furious with him than upset; a confession of love shouldn't lead to a rejection of existence. What hurts the most is that he knows my current circumstances and he has still so coldly abandoned me... Again.

My darling Nana passed away at the beginning of the week. An illness has plagued her life for the past few months and it finally became too much. We all managed to say our goodbyes, and in the last few days we were truly waiting with bated breath, hoping and praying she would no longer be in any pain.

At least now she is at rest, and I know she is going to keep an eye on me, and guide me through this maze of life. So far I think I am thoroughly confused, and banging my head against a wall! But as I train to be a Governess, I know my Nana would be proud of me, and I want to do this not only for myself, but for her. I want to honour her memory, and let the world know how much I loved her, how much I still love her.

Saying that final goodbye is the hardest word in the world.

D. S.

Friday, April 13, 2012

A proclamation of love was far from the English gentleman's lips when we finally saw each other yesterday. It seems my apparent discomfort with our current relationship is mutual, or at least more so than I at first anticipated. 

I could not quite find the words to conclude the prevailing state of affairs, but my antipathy was not overly disguised. No more so than as the English gentleman leant in to kiss me adieu I angled my face away from his, resulting in a rather haphazard embrace. I too lamented about our future; how would we find the time to see each other when I start my governing next week? When would I get to see him with my return to the Shire growing closer every day? How could we keep this going when life is getting in the way?

His response... 'Well such is life.'

It was at this moment that it crossed my mind that our paths may not cross again, with nothing quite official said. Dare I say we just grew apart? I know it was such a short space of time, but you can fall in love instantly, or in a few weeks - the Captain proved as much - and seemingly it is just as easy to grow out of 'like' for someone.

Speaking of the Captain... We may have bumped into each other last night. I accompanied the brunette's* cousin to a ball, knowing full well that the Captain would be there. Indeed there were many past acquaintances there and I revelled in the opportunity to flaunt myself on my own standing without being on the English gentleman's arm.

The Captain and I may have shared a dance or two, and it was - as always - wonderful to see him, though I think I managed to keep my heart under control. 

Treasure chest of gold coinsI don't know how I can feel the way I feel for more than one man! The Scottish laird literally took my breath away and stole my heart back to his homeland, and I do look forward to the day when we are reunited... But the Captain has had my heart for so long now; for half a year my thoughts have revolved around his being, regardless of reciprocation.
Indeed if I gave a gold sovereign away for every time I thought of him... Truly, it would only be the one for the Captain has never left my mind.

I sit here watching the rain pitter patter on the dry ground; it has been a long time coming.

D. S.

* The brunette has been rather scarce of late because of her current infatuation. They have been together a while, longer than previous relationships... I truly am happy for her and dare I say that is what I am looking for? But I cannot deny that I miss her!

Sunday, April 08, 2012

I talk about not making a rash decision when in my heart of hearts I have already made up my mind. I wouldn't even consider the termination of my current relationship with the English gentleman if I was happy.

The feeling of freedom has slowly ebbed away, especially since the Scottish laird has left the Antipodes. He was my final link to my Southern Island adventures, and I clung to him more physically than I care to remember. We spent his final day and the night together; talking, swimming, dining, drinking, loving and it felt so right. I cannot deny the attachment that I have formed for him but it is futile with the growing distance between us. Nevertheless, there is hope of a reconciliation on my own return to the Shire, one that I would gladly hasten. 

Of course, I shouldn't flout my endeavours over the last few days considering I still have an understanding with the English gentleman. Indeed he shall hear nothing of my weekend's antics, but the Scottish laird made me feel safe, and happier than I've felt in a long time. It's not that I've been unhappy, I just hadn't noticed I could be happier.

Is happiness what I should be striving for, or should I just be happy with my decisions? I talk of happiness as if I know what it is, but all I can say about the matter is that a smile has barely left my face since the Scottish laird made an appearance in my life. The English gentleman has caused me much pleasure, but it was more hedonistic, selfish and physical, not emotional.

How can I have fallen for another man in so short a time?

I fear I may be going round in circles. Falling for unsuitable or unavailable men because I know that the end is inevitable. It's almost as if I have a self-imposed destructive time-frame for my relationships. Either I make a human error, or indeed I find a flaw in my partner, or he leaves me; never mind that it is through no fault of his (or my) own.

Even after sharing rather harsh words the other night - the English gentleman has a tendency to act the part of a petulant child if he doesn't get his own way - I am making the effort to see him tomorrow. I owe him that much.

But my mind is made up. I am not choosing the Scottish laird for he is not around to be chosen, but instead I am choosing to be free of a man who is not right for me, whatever society dictates. Nothing short of a proclamation of love from the English gentleman will make me change my mind.

D. S.

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Though I may have found it difficult to think of going home, here I am. Nay, I am still an affiliate of the Antipodes, I have not yet returned to the Shire but I have left the South and returned to the city.

A week doesn't seem barely enough time for anything to happen, but even so it was time enough for me to get my head and heart to correlate.

The English gentleman paid me a surprise visit yesterday - embarrassing as I was hardly dressed for company - and I did smile at his presence and enjoy his embrace. But once he left I felt nothing. I am utterly charmed by him when I see him but my heart doesn't notice his absence.

I am not sure what this means, this lack of feeling, but I know my decision has to be made sooner rather than later. I cannot continue this collaboration when there are no feelings involved, but even more keenly I feel that I always make rash decisions. Spontaneity is a weakness of mine and people are my downfall. 

To leave the South island was truly to hunger for more adventure. The sights I beheld were beyond anything I could imagine, and the acquaintances were of the most interesting variety since I have stepped foot in the Antipodes.

Indeed the Scottish laird who caught my eye is somewhere in the city at the moment... I hasten to write to him and garner his attentions somewhat before I make a decision in regard to the English gentleman. I don't want to 'keep my options open' as it were, but only to be sure of myself.

I wish I knew how I felt! With the Captain it was easy, my heart belonged to him - though my actions spoke otherwise - and now my actions seem to tell the world that the English gentleman has my heart but that couldn't be further from the truth!

Without the mountains as my backdrop and the placidity of the lake to calm me, I am getting into quite a frenzy over my indecision. The sea reflects my mood as it rages against the shore... Winter is coming.

D. S.