Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Though I may have found it difficult to think of going home, here I am. Nay, I am still an affiliate of the Antipodes, I have not yet returned to the Shire but I have left the South and returned to the city.

A week doesn't seem barely enough time for anything to happen, but even so it was time enough for me to get my head and heart to correlate.

The English gentleman paid me a surprise visit yesterday - embarrassing as I was hardly dressed for company - and I did smile at his presence and enjoy his embrace. But once he left I felt nothing. I am utterly charmed by him when I see him but my heart doesn't notice his absence.

I am not sure what this means, this lack of feeling, but I know my decision has to be made sooner rather than later. I cannot continue this collaboration when there are no feelings involved, but even more keenly I feel that I always make rash decisions. Spontaneity is a weakness of mine and people are my downfall. 

To leave the South island was truly to hunger for more adventure. The sights I beheld were beyond anything I could imagine, and the acquaintances were of the most interesting variety since I have stepped foot in the Antipodes.

Indeed the Scottish laird who caught my eye is somewhere in the city at the moment... I hasten to write to him and garner his attentions somewhat before I make a decision in regard to the English gentleman. I don't want to 'keep my options open' as it were, but only to be sure of myself.

I wish I knew how I felt! With the Captain it was easy, my heart belonged to him - though my actions spoke otherwise - and now my actions seem to tell the world that the English gentleman has my heart but that couldn't be further from the truth!

Without the mountains as my backdrop and the placidity of the lake to calm me, I am getting into quite a frenzy over my indecision. The sea reflects my mood as it rages against the shore... Winter is coming.

D. S.