Forgiveness, understanding, sorrow, regret... Are these the emotions that make us human? A week has passed since my Nana's untimely death, and though I have been hard at work instead of mourning, I carry her in my heart with every task I undertake. Indeed it is her... Was her, staunch views that made me want to forgive the Captain. That and I cannot seem to contain my estrangement for him.
But this forgiveness met with a few difficulties. As hard as it may be to comprehend, I am far less eloquent in the flesh than you would at first believe...
Considering I pride myself on my impulsive behaviour and brashness, I often fail to utter the words I am thinking. At the most poignant of moments I seem to retreat into an abyss of silence, my eyes begging my audience to understand the turmoil within me.
Take tonight, for instance; a moonlit rendez vous with my (current) one and only, the Captain. Words are said on both parts, but the 19-year-old is more concise than I am, and he steers the conversation towards the only possible outcome, friendship. I knew that this was the inevitable conclusion. In all truthfulness it's even better than what I could have coped for because it was so amicable.
I leave for the Shire in 6 weeks, just a casual 12,000miles, with no return to the Antipodes in sight. The Captain too, has many voyages on the horizon and I do not want to stand in the way of what he is meant to do. All this and more points directly towards friendship, a friendship that I have condoned and even welcomed, even if it is not quite what I would have wanted.
I cannot even blame the Captain for he gave me the opportunity to disagree. He opened with the alternative; six weeks of physical pleasure and emotional intrigue, only to be left high and dry as we parted ways. I answered the only way I know how, with a raise of the eyebrow and a flippant remark.
I know it seems that I crave carnal indulgence more than most, but it is my heart that longs and aches for understanding. My body has experienced its most gratifying desires, but I would forsake all that just to be loved. These are the words that I couldn't find. These are the words, albeit in a roundabout way, that I wanted to tell the Captain.
Friendship is enough for me, it truly is, as long as he knows that physical satisfaction is not all that I was after. It has been six months, I've had other men, yet still the Captain reigns supreme in my mind and in my heart. Having him in my life as a friend, far outweighs the possibility of not having him at all.
Though in six weeks, I will not have him at all.