Sunday, April 08, 2012

I talk about not making a rash decision when in my heart of hearts I have already made up my mind. I wouldn't even consider the termination of my current relationship with the English gentleman if I was happy.

The feeling of freedom has slowly ebbed away, especially since the Scottish laird has left the Antipodes. He was my final link to my Southern Island adventures, and I clung to him more physically than I care to remember. We spent his final day and the night together; talking, swimming, dining, drinking, loving and it felt so right. I cannot deny the attachment that I have formed for him but it is futile with the growing distance between us. Nevertheless, there is hope of a reconciliation on my own return to the Shire, one that I would gladly hasten. 

Of course, I shouldn't flout my endeavours over the last few days considering I still have an understanding with the English gentleman. Indeed he shall hear nothing of my weekend's antics, but the Scottish laird made me feel safe, and happier than I've felt in a long time. It's not that I've been unhappy, I just hadn't noticed I could be happier.

Is happiness what I should be striving for, or should I just be happy with my decisions? I talk of happiness as if I know what it is, but all I can say about the matter is that a smile has barely left my face since the Scottish laird made an appearance in my life. The English gentleman has caused me much pleasure, but it was more hedonistic, selfish and physical, not emotional.

How can I have fallen for another man in so short a time?

I fear I may be going round in circles. Falling for unsuitable or unavailable men because I know that the end is inevitable. It's almost as if I have a self-imposed destructive time-frame for my relationships. Either I make a human error, or indeed I find a flaw in my partner, or he leaves me; never mind that it is through no fault of his (or my) own.

Even after sharing rather harsh words the other night - the English gentleman has a tendency to act the part of a petulant child if he doesn't get his own way - I am making the effort to see him tomorrow. I owe him that much.

But my mind is made up. I am not choosing the Scottish laird for he is not around to be chosen, but instead I am choosing to be free of a man who is not right for me, whatever society dictates. Nothing short of a proclamation of love from the English gentleman will make me change my mind.

D. S.