Monday, April 30, 2012

To think that months have turned into weeks, and soon I shall only have days left in the Antipodes...

My entire time here no longer seems tangible. I have few concrete relationships to hold on to, and even the closest friendships I have forged shall no doubt unravel with the distance. I'm referring to the brunette as much as the Captain, for these are the two whom I shall miss the most. Until I have made a decision of where my future belongs, I do not know when I shall return to the Antipodes, making the farewell even more poignant. 

The entire situation makes me acknowledge the sense in the Captain's earnest plea for friendship; my heart would not have the time to heal after letting him back in with such zest. And I don't think he could ever trust me again, not properly, so it would take the little time we could have had to get to a more physical relationship...

Never mind. I can't dwell on what has been done.

Death makes us realise what matters in life. My family. My friends. And a belief in the life I want to lead. As hedonistic as I have let myself be, I know I want more to life. The two emotions duel in my heart as I struggle with the inner turmoil. 

How can one not live in the present when all our days are numbered? Yet, how can one not plan for the future, make provisions and listen to our urging hearts who leap towards the idea of a partner and a family?

There was an incident with a friend over the weekend that involved the breaking of the law, and that too helped to clarify what I do and don't want in life... It was nothing too outlandish, no one was murdered. But I was affronted at the entire situation and had to use my guile to get my friend out of trouble - trouble that I hadn't even known he was in - and of course use my stature to make sure no feathers were ruffled.

I wouldn't have cared if the incident had not occurred at the most untimely of moments, and I was left feeling somewhat frustrated! I suppose I should have learnt my lesson! I am finding life a little harder at the moment, I even miss the company of the English gentleman (though probably more for his skill in the bedroom than conversation), and crave the solid friendships of the Shire.

I would like a meaningful relationship... Is that too much to ask for?

D. S.