The week has been long and hard, but the weekend eventually arrived and my birthday with it. I hadn't planned an elaborate ball for the event, wanting only to spend it with my nearest and dearest. The brunette, bless her, inundated me with gifts and the biggest surprise of all was the Captain's presence.
Though we had decided on friendship, our interaction has been rather scarce of late and it does make complete sense; we need to distance ourselves before my untimely departure.
However, the Captain's presence was a present that could have done with some prior knowledge! I need to brace myself before I see him so I am not vulnerable to this draw that I have for him. Unfortunately the brunette failed to give me any warning and I was completely taken aback when the Captain appeared. My throat closed up, my heart beat that little bit faster, the colour in my cheeks reddened; still the effect he has on me is unmistakeable.
And yet, everything he says to me makes perfect sense. I know I am leaving in one month's time, and I do not know when I shall return. What foundation for a relationship is that? But love isn't logical. Love has no boundaries. Love will, love has to, prosper.
I couldn't find these words last night. Last night I just did as I was told and skulked off with some nameless paramour in the hope that it would be a distraction from my breaking heart. It didn't work. In fact I may have even called out the Captain's name in the middle of... Well, just imagine how that was received?!
Of course the Captain is correct in his thinking. But how can he tell me he loves me and in the same breath dash any future hopes. If only I hadn't... I can't start thinking 'if only'. I regret nothing (if only that were true) for I don't think I'd have truly appreciated the love I have for the Captain without the heartache.
But I do not want to return to the Shire regretting every moment I didn't spend with the Captain. I want to seize the day. I want to have this final month at the side of the Captain. I want to belong to him in a way that usurps all the meaningless affiliations I have had since I met him. He already has my heart, I know that my body shall be bereft of all feeling once I return to the Shire. Heartache and grief surround my thoughts like two lost ducklings on a murky lake.
There is a shimmer of daylight however, the Captain did tell me he loves me.
He's not in love with me.
But he loves me.
D. S.
Well hello Duchess! And a happy belated-birthday to you! Are you a Taurus? My daughter, Dad, and X-husband are all Taurus, so I know a bit about them. On to your blogpost, and what a lovely post to read it was. So very full of love and passion, nearly tangible right off the page. I love reading your writing. You write well. I've a BA in Brit.Lit and I taught hg school 17yrs, so I know good writing when I see it. I liked this comment: "But love isn't logical. Love has no boundaries." Isn't that true? Someone famous once said "the heart wants what the heart wants". And never the two shall part, neither in life, nor in death. When it is true love, nothing or noone can keep you apart, neither any set of circumstances or distances. You may believe it, because it is true. It seems the Scottish laird (is that right?) had somewhere to be off to, and so that ended. Then the English gentleman, it looks as if, is out of the picture, which I say "jolly well good" at that, because you were bored with his presence I think. You certainly don't want a life of that. And here is the Captain. I hear great love from you for the Captain. A splendid man he must be to have captured your lovely heart, and he has, I can tell. "Just friends"? I say bah, hum-bug. That will last no time, not if it is true love. He tells you he "loves you, but is not IN-love with you". I really detest that line. I have heard my daughter use it before as well. It was never used in my day, I don't recall. In-love ultimately turns into love, that's the way it works. But they both must have the solid foundation of friendship in order to be a rock that will last. I think you want the rock. The Captain "loves you", he cares for you, he comes to see you, he surprises you, he wants to be your friend, your heart jumps at the sight of him, and you admit your body will ache once you're away from him. How do you know he is not agonizing in the very same way? He may be trying to be "strong", as men are apt to do. But if you leave and go back to your "Shire", if your heart breaks upon departure, it may well be that his will be doing the exact same thing. Who knows? Unless you talk about it? "Friends" do talk about matters of the heart. Loving means being vulnerable to the one you love. Someone will have to break the ice before you leave, so you both know where you stand. Vulnerability is a hard thing, because it leaves us wide open to something we don't like: pain. But vulnerability springs from friendship, which leads to intimacy, which is love. If he loves you, he will do whatever is in his power to see you and be with you, travel to the ends of the earth if necessary. I'm just an old romantic, but I really do believe it to be true. The next few days and weeks should be revealing. If he said he "loves you", then he "loves you"... Period. Do the happy dance girley! And you two must *talk* before you leave. Good luck! XO
ReplyDeleteThat last comment Duchess, the rather long one, is from me @bayviewgirl. I tried to get it to post under my normal email address, but it would not let me. So I had to post it anonymously. So sorry.
ReplyDelete"@RevRunWisdom: Ladies: Find Ur Lover & FRIEND & your ready for marriage... Friendship caught on fire is what love is" - (twitter) -love from @bayviewgirl ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday dear Duchess and good luck with your Captain. By the way, do you know I am...?
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your wonderfully kind words.
ReplyDeleteYour one and only
Duchess of the Shire