What have I learnt since my last post? If anything (which I sincerely doubt) I have discovered that practice truly does make a difference, and my sketches have improved immeasurably since the beginning of the year. It is a pleasant feeling knowing that pushing yourself to do something every day does eventually pay off. 

If only I could be as dedicated with my writing, like I was in Bohemia, but it turns out I have to make choices between my arts, my friends, my work and myself. And truly I have been suffering for I have lost who I am, and maybe that's because I haven't been doing my writing? Questions are all I have, attempts to see what works is all I can do, and only from there can I adapt and develop to this being that I believe, nay, that I know I am. 

I know that I need to make more time for myself, to experience things that I enjoy, for it is all too easy to hide away in my ivory tower, drawing, writing, painting, with no thought to the outside world. But when I hear tales of my wonderful Ladies of the Shire, cavorting in the snow back at home, I not only envy their freedom, but wish I had the opportunity for similar experiences here. 

I miss my friends. Of course I have wonderful acquaintances here and few close enough to hold to the bosom of my heart. Nevertheless, it is not quite the same as having your friends from childhood laugh, reminisce and gossip with a furore that I'm sure only we know how. I don't think I have missed my Marquessa and Baroness, Armiger and Court Jester as much as this since I lived in the Antipodes and had yet to meet anyone outside of my family. 

Love is also a thing that I feel I can no longer speak of. It has left me, leaving only bitter memories of that which I have lost. I am in a confused state, still only worrying about me. The Duke of Albany has also been on my mind more than I care to admit. Indeed he has gone from a a name I barely recognise in conversation, to someone who haunted my dreams only last night. I feel the need to speak with him, but distance is a great barrier. So I shall write a letter, letting him know that he is in my thoughts.

For truly, the only other person to enter my mind, is myself. 

D. S.

Can you believe where I am darlings, after all these years? The place where my story began. Somewhere that holds dear memories and most of my regrets. The place where I made the firmest of friends and learnt heartbreak. Somewhere I cultivated my interests and aimed a little higher. The place up north that I have longed to once more call my home.

I'm back.

Nevertheless, it's a little different this time round... I have the Duke of Albany on my arm for one. There was a time when no less than two men would have kept my ravenous appetite at bay, but now all my extra-curricular activities are more than satisfying, and I wouldn't want it any other way. 

I have had my wild and rebellious way with the world and though I did not lose that battle, I will admit defeat. I no longer want to stay up all hours of the night only to wake with a head that burns with the aftermath of lust and gluttony. I have grown, and it is only wonderful to see my old home with new eyes. 

Of course it has changed, haven't we all over the years? I do not have the Court Jester to listen to my heartache, or the Duchess of Tuthershire to drink red wine with. There is no Lady Lina to remind me of my mistakes or Harlequin to guide the attention his way. Nor do I have the musician, the Brewer and the Gameskeeper, that wonderful trio whom I miss sorely. I shall have to have them all to visit, but when I do not know, for my position begins in four days!

Thankfully I do still have the wonderful Coxswain and her gentleman. They have not left the shores of the Northern counties and I look forward immensely to reacquainting myself with them. And of course, how could I forget my darling Belle. She was half the reason I applied to return to this side of the world. It will be like old times and I cannot wait to listen to her words of wisdom.

Living with the Duke is, in itself, rather daunting. Our personalities clash and we are far too independent to easily fit into one another's lives. For example, I like to have my evening meal rather late, however he is used to having dinner two or three hours earlier. Compromises are rife, though the internal battles I don't doubt are more so. In some ways it feels like we have lived under the same roof for all our lives, but in other ways I'd love nothing more than to push him down the stairs! But I cannot deny my happiness, with every step I want to thank the world I live in for my happiness. I feel so blessed.

To new beginnings and a return to a county that stole my heart all those years ago.



D. S.

Darlings all the best wishes for Valentines day; the day that revolves around love, yet often leaves a bitter taste in many mouths.

I cannot admit to falling into the latter category, for I wear the largest grin on my face, and cannot conceal the happiness I feel. As I write I can see the blonde Esquire's muscular back, rippled in the evening glow, as he prepares a meal for the two of us to share. No doubt his Mother expects a proposal in the pipeline, however we are taking this faux relationship slowly - it has to be all the more believable when then inevitable end draws nigh.

However, true to his cause, the blonde Esquire has showered me with attention, love and jewellery! Not the order of importance, I promise! How can a girl who delights in diamonds ignore the one that now hangs around her neck without a smile on her face? Shallow? Undeniably. But the gift came from one who has become very dear to me. Even though our relationship is a sham, I can feel a firm friendship between the blonde Esquire and myself. There are no secrets, there are no boundaries; we do not need to bow to social convention as we have the freedom to breathe together.


Our relationship has grown out of a mutual truce and curiosity, and developed into the utmost respect while sating our more carnal desires. There is no intense passion, but rather an ease that ends in our laughing as we lie naked between the sheets.

Valentine's day always causes a few reminiscent thoughts to stray into the foray of my mind; turning back the clocks two years, I remember sitting in the library and writing anonymous love notes and leaving them in the library for anyone to find...  Oh my northern life! How it has disappeared into a vague memory in the grand scheme of life. Of course I miss it, but I know deep down it is the Court Jester, the musician, the Gameskeeper and Duchess of Tuthershire that I miss the most.

But today I shall quite happily make do with the blonde Esquire worshipping my every move. He does not claim to love me, we are undeniably keeping within our contract in order to ensnare his Mother in his attempt to court me. We are young, are allowed to have fun and play within the realms of the rules.



D. S.

Where has my inspiration gone? I can't seem to muster up the energy to write anything of any substance; I have started many posts in the fortnight past but none of which have made me want to give them over to you.

I have learnt many things as January fades in February, I have realised there is a world inside my Shire that I was previously unaware of... My eyes have been opened and my mouth left agape as the blonde Esquire has given me an education I shall never forget.

We spend nearly every day together, our ruse becoming easier to forget as I truly do enjoy spending time with him. He encourages me to think more broadly and gives me experiences I hadn't thought possible...

It was last weekend, nay, even longer ago, that the Duke's sister and I held an evening in celebration of travel. We dressed up in foreign guises as we listened to explorers tell us of their journeys and the treasure they plundered and the adventures across stormy seas. Not only was it wonderful to hear, but it gave my Ladies and I a real thirst for the extraordinary, and Summer plans have been whispered about the Continent, a Grande Tour or indeed a return journey to the Antipodes.

Could I leave once again with no thought to the Shire? 

What would it be like to return to the Captain, whose correspondence lessens with every passing week?

I know I shall return eventually, but I don't know if it shall ever be my home. It is said that your home is where your heart is, but it seems I may have a fickle heart.

I am not in love with the blonde Esquire. I know I cannot be for this is purely a scheme to get his Mother off his back and give him the reigns of freedom. I know I cannot love him because there is no chance I could keep him from his own responsibilities. He would not let me fall in love with him, however despite the pretence, there is a growing friendship between the two of us. How could there not be?

He is away in the Capital for a few days hence and though I am not in love with him, I have noted his absence more keenly that I'd have thought. But no matter, it's exactly how I feel when I don't see Armiger or the Court Jester for long periods of time.

In fact it is all the better to have the space as it is his birthday this weekend and I shall spend the whole of tomorrow planning a day for the two of us to enjoy. 

Ah, another birthday too nearly slipped my mind, a Northern beauty from my years living up North has come to share her love with us on this special occasion; no doubt this week will include many frivolities and much laughter! I look forward to all the celebrations!

As do I look forward to the return of the blonde Esquire... At least with the void he has left behind I have an evening spare with no excuse but to write!



D. S.

Darlings a wonderful new years tiding to you all! Apologies for the delay in writing this year but my life has been somewhat distracted by the frivolities that have been bestowed upon us by the holiday season!

A time to reflect has already passed me by, and I can confirm that I stuck to most of last year's resolutions, because although I may have let love linger in my heart for the Captain (and of course the White Knight dabbled with my emotions) I have not given my heart away to anyone! Of course, love and lust are two completely different things, for I have not gone an entire YEAR without satisfying my more carnal needs!

At the moment I am home with my Father - Mother has disappeared to console the needing arms of a female compatriot whose husband has left her for another woman - and I need the time to think about the past fortnight, before the blonde Esquire arrives.

New Year's Eve was a perfect night. Belle travelled the many miles to the Shire a few days before and we had the time to talk about our loved ones and gossip and laugh as if no time at all had passed between our previous rendez vous. The Court Jester too journeyed from the City of Dreaming Spires to spend the dawning of a new year with me in my new and more humble abode.

My ladies surrounded me, though the Duke's sister was notably missed, and I hosted the fun, the games, the music and dancing without a care in the world. And yet again the blonde Esquire did not disappoint as he turned up as expected and dazzled and delighted those dear to me. I have not yet shared the secret of our new relationship to anyone... I want to see how this reticent tryst develops under the nose of his Mother, and of course when the inevitable implosion of our allegiance occurs it needs to be as realistic as possible, with no chance of reconciliation.

For now I am to think about the future... Do I want to leave the Shire and travel to the Continent, or even further afield, back to the Antipodes? Do I want to persevere on my quest to find someone worthy of my patronage? Shall I give in to the unwritten institution that is marriage to satisfy my parents and find myself a husband? Or shall I just live day to day, loving life, and expecting nothing but happiness?

I know the latter question begs my own indulgence as life is never easy nor smooth, but at the moment I cannot fault the life I lead... Which I suppose is why I have so many questions. I want more to life, and that is why I know I shall not marry any time soon. Travels intrigue me, but working? This is something so unconventional for someone of my status that I feel I must endure the uncertainty... At least for the time being.



D. S.

Oh how I do love the Christmas festivities! Everyone seems to be in such jolly moods and there is goodwill to all men. Of course I am referring specifically to the time spent at the Christmas Ball on Friday night, but I shall get to that, eventually.

I had the most wondrous pleasure of the Court Jester in the City of Dreaming Spires last week; we dined and talked as if no time at all had passed since our last encounter, little realising that over a year had slipped by. We talked of many things, fools and kings, both in our retinue and those further abroad. I do hope we will manage to coordinate our lives accordingly so as to spend more time together than we have done previously.

However upon my return to the Shire, my ladies were all a flutter about the ever approaching Ball. I cannot deny that my heart was in my chest; not only because this would be my first outing as an independent woman, standing on my own two feet, but secondly I'd had another glimpse of the blonde stranger... Intrigued would be such an understatement!

I cannot say what it is that beguiles me, but I am drawn to his 'je ne sais quoi', the knowing smile is ever so tantalising and yet, he does not mean to make it easy for me. I daren't ask his name, for fear that the spell will be broken.

Thinking of brokenness only hardens my heart: I read somewhere that if you are in love with two people you should always choose the second, for if you were truly in love with the first, you would never have fallen in love with the second. As much as I long for the Captain, he is somewhat displaced within my thoughts. I think of him almost carelessly, like the words to a much loved and much heard song; a lullaby that will never be forgotten, but is all too soon grown out of...

Ahh yes, the Christmas Ball. I was on my best behaviour (for a change) and enjoyed the game the blonde stranger played with me; catching my eye and making me blush! The subtle flirtations were rather hushed compared to my more brazen approach, but I do enjoy the chase and the indication of what is to come!

Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I, for I cannot get the anonymous blonde out of my head, and for some silly reason his every mention makes me smile... 

D. S.

Hedonism is judged of poor repute by most in society, an over-indulgent, self-imposed, ill-disciplined waste of time. Personally, I don't quite see what's wrong with living for the moment, it doesn't have to be taken to extremes, but I can't understand the necessity to worry about the future when we have very little control over our lives anyway!

Last weekend was wonderful; dancing until the early hours of the morn, challenging our new found neighbours to deplorable acts, sharing stolen moments that cannot yet be repeated and laughing mercilessly at nothing in particular.

The soirée was a little more exuberant than the Duke's sister and I had first intended, but isn't that always the way? It is nigh on impossible to have a 'quiet night in' with friends!! Or at least with the friends that we have!

Our neighbours have easily been included in this circle of familiarity; a Lord and Lady live the closest, and they are somewhat more sensible than the Duke's sister and myself, but I did catch a glimpse of mischief in their eyes as they petted their enormous hound. A gorgeous bitch from the Continent, she contrasts slightly with the smaller pooches I am used to, but she is full of the joy of life, and what's there not to like about that?

Indeed all our guests were most entertaining, regaling tales of the Shire that even I was unaware of! It seems there is scandal wherever you may look, most of it unfounded, but the rumours, gossip and lies are easily spread, like a virus with no purpose other than a cause for destruction.

I feel those who fall in its path for I remember what it is like (after the incident with the Irish cream...) to have rumours follow you; and I can imagine it is only made worse when there is no substance to the truth of it! Those who are pathetic enough to make up rumours surely need to find something more constructive to do with their over active imaginations?

But I shall not dwindle on about untruths for there is something FAR more exciting to talk about...

An invitation to a Christmas Ball!

Who am I to refuse the delectable sights and sounds of the Shire when my name is printed upon gilt paper, tempting and taunting me to go and enjoy myself? Of course I shall attend, I look forward to the company of a blonde stranger from last weekend, and I can't wait to dress up for the festive season.

Indeed I intend to travel to the City of Dreaming Spires today to find a suitable dress and hopefully spend some time with the Court Jester and Armiger!

D. S.

I have previously ranted about being single, about being independent, about being alone. None of which are perfect synonyms for the other, but they all are to be understood as solitary words. Though it is all too easy to guess which of those words denotes the most negative connotation...

As happy as I am mingling between men, I feel the waters may be muddying somewhat, and I may only just be able to muddle my way through the testosterone filled seas in which I have become stranded!

Love and lust are blurring into a single flame of desire, that is separate from the idyll future I have locked away in my heart. I am a very corporeal being, and prone to giving in to temptation... I have never been one to stray away from self-satisfaction. 

For some strange reason, guilt has begun to eat away at me, making me question my decisions.

Even my darling Mother has raised an eyebrow at my gallivanting around the Shire with one man after another, but how can I explain my antics without sounding slightly demented?

I enjoy the company of men. I miss the Gameskeeper, the Brewer, Armiger, the Court Jester, Harlequin and the Foreign Minister more than I ever realised, and they were everything I needed in close friendships. Trying to fuse a non-physical relationship with any gentleman these days is like trying to shod a horse with gold shoes. Near on impossible, and a completely silly concept.

But I refuse to give up on men as friends. Each of those men have kept in touch with me over the years, have listened to my problems as they have unburdened their lives on me. We have laughed and joked, shared tears and moments of great joy... Clearly, there are no others in the world quite like them

Similarly, my Ladies have never been matched in the friendship department, nor would I want that to change. But I do find it disheartening when the new men in my life are apt to getting emotionally attached or, the horror(!), crave a more physical relationship... Maybe there is a possibility I need to tone down my more flirtatious personality traits. But I had hoped, that flirting with men on an equal footing, by treating them all the same, they would then understand that not one of them was overtly special. I enjoy their company, their confidence, their ideas, but I don't want to be seen as a prize princess. I do not want to be fought over.

Should it really be this difficult to be seen as nothing more than a friend?



D.S. 

Carnal thoughts never stray far from the forefront of my mind, and it is with a tantalising and semi-impatient fury that I count down the days until the White Knight's return. I have been given a date, the end of the month, and I know it is sinful to think these thoughts on a Sunday, but my breath quickens at the mere possibility of having him in my arms.

Oh no my dearest darlings, this is not an inclination of love, nor have I defected from my more amorous intentions for the Captain. Far from it! I am just enjoying the freedom and independence that comes with my new-found responsibilities. Apparently I can behave rather wantonly when so inclined, and if I cannot have love at the moment, then I shall indeed settle with lust!

My pensive state has rather diminished, or indeed I am concentrating on other responsibilities that carry far greater weight than my boudoir compatriots. No further decisions have been made, and I fear that I may begin to enjoy the routine that my life has currently set out for me.

I have nothing too scandalous to report; my patronage has yet to be bestowed on a deserving candidate, no one new has entered my life with such zest and vigour as those from the Antipodes, and though I have heard from the Court Jester and coxswain both in the last few days, we are no closer to organising a rendez vous. Something I fear I may have to take in hand myself.

The Shire is beautiful in the Autumn. I forget that I haven't had to suffer through a winter in nearly two years now... The temperature has decreased slightly, and the leaves are turning the most brilliantly burnt hue of ochre. Still I can't help but miss the Antipodes, despite, or perhaps in spite of the fun I am having in the Shire.

In fact, only yesterday did I dress up two of my ladies in unimaginable outfits; we giggled and laughed and by the time I had finished with them, the two were barely recognisable! But then, I am a true mistress of disguise! The Duke's sister and I have rekindled our friendship more so than ever before. She is a terrible influence however, for I am never one to say no... And she has this wicked smile that reminds me of all then fun we've already had, and of course we can do it again! 

She is going to get me into trouble one day!

But until that day arrives, I am going to make the most of the Shire, the evenings that still have a tint more light than they will during winter, and wait ever-so-patiently for the White Knight to give me a good ravaging! Of course, all the while, writing heartfelt letters to the Captain as we brave the ever increasing distance between us.



D. S.

A week has scuttled by and it is quite disconcerting to think that my time in the Antipodes feels most fleeting. If it weren't for the dropping temperature I wouldn't want to leave this country at all, but I cannot abide Winter. A Summer season in the Shire is what I need after the nights begin to lengthen in the Southern hemisphere.


I truly was going to write sooner, three days ago in fact. But that would have been in the heat of the moment, and I would have said some hateful words about one whom I care about so deeply. No longer angry, I feel I can speak more plainly, more objectively about what happened a few nights ago.

After my night with yet another nameless paramour the Captain dared to judge me when our paths crossed again. I even had said paramour with me, so the situation was most uncomfortable. But what hurt the most was the Captain's look which chastised me for my behaviour, behaviour that he had encouraged only a few nights before.


At first I was furious; he was the one who told me to look in any other direction but his, even after his proclamation of love. But then I realised that his jealousy showed that he still cared. How I can doubt myself and him after all this time I don't know, but it is reassuring to know that what we had, for that short time, was real.


Three weeks to go until I can call the Shire my home again. The explorer has been more than entertaining, the brunette an absolute darling and all my friends on this side of the world mean the world to me. 


Of course I have some delightful excursions to look forward to with the Gameskeeper, Belle, the Court Jester back on my home shores, even the Scottish laird has kept in touch with a few words of correspondence, and I can't wait to see my Mother again. I don't know how she is faring after the death of her Mother, my darling Nana...


But saying goodbye... I've done it enough times in my life, but at least this time I know it isn't forever. 





D. S.

Evening wanders seem to have taken over my life as I trundle across the beach arm in arm with the masked guest... He has wined and dined me like a true gentleman, teaching me of his craft as a Stone Mason and I enjoy the little titbits he tells me of the city he has helped to build. He is the perfect distraction from my days of labour and we share a frank relationship; there is no talk of the future and no discussion of philandering. I do not know where this is going to lead but I am enjoying the current situation. 


That is, if I don't think outside the world my masked guest draws me into... The real world, unfortunately, is fraught with slippery decisions and potentially fatal consequences. 


My olive-skinned lover has made a series of demands that I cannot accept; her fiancé mewling at her feet like a stray cares not for her actions only for her praise. I fear I cannot abide their presence for too much longer and it shall mean the termination of our relationship. But how does one remove an unwanted guest? Mother has told me to be direct, but my olive-skinned brunette has lived in my bedchamber for nearly a month and it is impossible to find the words to rid me of her ever nearness. She dislikes my masked Stone Mason and is forever intervening in my life... I feel hampered and wrote to the nun asking for help. If anyone can help me it will be the Church, though I know I have been less faithful in more recent times. 

It's times like these when I miss the Court Jester and Armiger the most. The two of them were like brothers, but so much closer to me than my own. They did not agree with my every whim and were never afraid to speak their mind. My brunette argues with me constantly but it is never for my sake, she has her own agenda that I cannot fathom and it is not something I want to be a part of. 


There is yet another admirer I have subsequently failed to mention; Rowing, it seems, has made it to this side of the world, and I am keen to rectify my position as Patron to a new Boat Club. I am in talks with a Captain here in the Antipodes but he is nothing like the previous Captain whose amorous intentions were made clear at the Ladies Dinner many months ago...


This Antipodean Captain is rather young in comparison, indeed he is the same age as my younger brother (which horrifies me every time I think of it). But he is ever so keen and obliging to my every wish and he mollifies my mood swings and has an enthusiasm that knows no bounds. He is different than the masked Stone Mason, though I'm sure they share a carnal thought, but no less refreshing. 


I shall write to the Coxswain and let her know how my love life fairs, for her insight is always much appreciated!





D. S.

I believe packing may not be my forte. I leave for the Southern hemisphere in less than a day, and I am still flinging my belongings into various cases. One can never be over-prepared, but because I have no idea what to expect, I'm packing for every eventuality. Including those I haven't even thought of yet.


Of course I daren't hope for the sophistication of my gentile Shire, nor the gaudy rambunctiousness of the Northern counties, on this unnamed Island, but I do hope it isn't as backwards as Armiger has made out... My dear fellow has abandoned the Shire days before me, to attend a rather prestigious academy and further his education. However proud I am of him, I was less than impressed when I realised that we had no time to say our farewells because he relocated while I dallied up North.


Ahh, the Northern counties. I have never kept my tongue still for praise of my home for the last three years, but it was truly wonderful to return over the weekend. The Court Jester and I made the journey together, catching up after the Summer months apart, and we joined our Northern friends for wining and dining, and many farewells. It was truly delightful to see Rosinda and Harlequin in the oh-so-familiar city settings, and even more wonderful to see Belle again. I do feel, however, she is terribly jealous that I get to see her beloved Gameskeeper while cavorting abroad, and she still has weeks to wait. I've promised to send her love, and I know that the two of them have been missing each other dreadfully.

So too was I mildly upset not to have the pleasure of the Brewer or musician while I resided up North. They were not at my disposal for the weekend, but between the two of us, Belle and I made many truffles, and I hope they make up for my lack of a 'goodbye'. I know I shall miss them over the coming months.


Home again and even more adieus! My Lords and Ladies gave me their undivided attention last evening and we all gave out more than our fair share of hugs and tears. My paternal Grandparents surfaced from Iberia to say their own goodbyes, with a parting opal necklace that I shall cherish. But now  it has come to my final day, and there is much to do.


Who knows when and where I shall next have the time to write, and in what condition shall my surroundings be? I am not scared, only apprehensive. And I know that whatever challenges arise, I shall meet them head on.


As one great Lady said, au revoir is not forever.





D. S.