Even now I know less than I did before. In an ever-changing world only one thing is certain; change. 

Conversations have flitted around the topic of the Summer between the Duke of Albany and I, and I don't think it is possible for me to show my gratitude as he has been more than understanding and undoubtedly supportive. I do not deserve the love of the Duke, nor to have him pandering to the oscillating whims of the universe. 

Brighthelmstone or the Shire. I believe that my predilection for Brighthelmstone has been noted by all, but whether or not that pleases the world enough to allow me to return there TWICE this year? Would I be so fortunate?

My wanderlust is far from sated at the thought of traversing the length of England, I still need to go further afield. Somewhere as different as the Antipodes where I could meet more people who think and feel the way I do. As delightful as England is, this island seems to breed a sense of superiority and lust for material things. I fall too easily into those types of longings when I am here, not rejoicing in everything else the world has to offer. 

I need to travel. It makes me a better person. 


I forgot to mention what it was like seeing my Mother again after so many months apart. It has been a whirlwind few weeks and it doesn't look to me slowing down any time soon.

She was far happier than I can remember seeing her of late, yet she seemed relatively unchanged. It was wonderful to catch up, surely no one has the pleasure of knowing you like your own Mother? I suppose she didn't help change my mind about travelling as she has called many other places her home since I last saw her. If anything she encouraged me to take the leap...

We shall see. It's the unknown that is most frustrating.



D. S.

A fleeting journey across the Continent and I am back in my own wonderful country. I have spent the last two evenings with Belle and the Marquessa in the Northern counties, preparing for my personal interview to be a lady-in-waiting. 

It was a whole day event and even though I had a week to prepare, I was still nervous, especially when I saw that there were at least a dozen other women of nobility applying for the same position! My skills and knowledge were paramount, but the questions put to me were not quite what I expected. I fear that may be to my detriment... But of course I do not know what this great family of esteemed royalty are looking for. 

A single place has been offered. To be considered in the first place was enough, and the daunting nature of the interview is not something I wish to repeat in a hurry! I just hope my commitment is noted as I travelled all the way from Bohemia. Belle of course was wonderful in calming me before the actual event, and I have to admit the Marquessa could not be faulted for her care and consideration of my person. I will have to write letters of thanks to the both of them.

Now I am travelling back south to my Shire and the loving arms of the Duke's. This weekend will be much sweeter because it was not planned, and two weeks is more than long enough to go without his hand resting upon my skin, nor his lips grazing mine. I will wish to speak to him about the artist. I am unable to not think about her opinion of me. I do not think she holds me in high esteem and it makes me wonder why. I have never given her any cause for concern (other than my slightly lucid state that one time) and though my reputation does often precede me, the Duke assured me that the artist and I were from different social circles.

Never mind, I will ask him when I am in his presence. I want to hear how he has coped in my homeland without my assistance or guidance. The Duke of Albany is almost as stubborn as I am and he is of the humble opinion that he does not need me, but rather would just prefer me to be around. A compliment, I think, is very well hidden in that stance, don't you?



D. S.

As December draws nearer I cannot help but recall the past year and what a change it has meant for me. A year ago I was living with the Duke of the Shire's sister and we were partying the nights away as if there were no tomorrow. It was oh so frivolous compared to the life I am leading now, however I have those memories that I will always look back on fondly. There was never a dull moment with the Duke's sister.

Now I am worlds apart in Bohemia, not completely alone, but certainly not the centre of attention in a tizzy of soirées as before. I had both the White Knight and the blonde Esquire at my beck and call, whereas now I am completely independent, only indulging my sexual appetite with the Duke of Albany. I spent long enough in the cloisters of the Convent over the summer that I think it is only fair to make the most of the winter months, wrapped up in furs and listening to the fires roar and crackle while we... Well, I'll leave that much to your imagination. 

I have finally asked the Duke if he would join me in the Shire over the Christmas tidings and he has accepted my invitation. I have had to write to my mother and let her know there shall be company for the festivities, but because it is a man of nobility my mother will have already started planning the wedding in her head. Poor Albany does not know what he has got himself into. 

It is sometimes unnerving to think that I met the Duke so many months ago without realising it was him. Those piercing blue eyes have a way of hypnotising me and often I think I'm sparring with the lowly messenger rather than the grandchild of Bohemia (his words, not mine).

Life is currently everything I could ask for; I have the time to write and have accomplished so much in the last thirty days, as well as having the Duke to converse with while we concentrate on fulfilling dreams I didn't even know I had. The Shire calls as Christmas should be spent with friends and family, but Bohemia is the perfect surrogate home. 



D. S.

Curled up in my bed, staring out of the window of my new home at the vastly different surroundings may take longer to get used to than I'd first anticipated. I have no complaints, no queries, no qualms; I still know I made the right decision, but the house is eerily quiet for just two ladies.

It's most interesting to learn who are those who live closest to us. I've never before had neighbours that I didn't know from childhood, and indeed the closest neighbours that there are to my parents' home are family members! So I am excited to hear about the people living in similar environments to the Duke's sister and myself. From what I've heard there are gentlemen of parallel repute, and indeed there may be a Lord and a soldier or two closer than I expected.

We plan to throw a soirée to introduce ourselves to the area, champagne and tequila (a burning drink from the Continent, to be taken with lemon and salt, of all things!) are a must as I do hope to dazzle and shine as the perfect hostess.

My mind and heart do turn to the Southern hemisphere as I fondly remember my time there, especially as the winter nights draw ever closer and the temperature begins to chill your very bones. I miss the beaches, the late night rendez vous, the passion that the Antipodeans had coursing through their veins. I miss the Captain, with his ever ready laugh and his never-ending enthusiasm for the outdoors, and for constantly trying something new.

I miss his zest for life.

But I do love my life here in the Shire. I love my independence, I love the role I play in society; I love that my decisions are based purely on my wants and needs, with no one to answer to, nor anyone asking for an explanation.

Waking up late, never going to sleep, drinking at all hours and self-satisfaction are my main priorities. Of course, I am still in the process of searching for a worthy artiste to dote my patronage with, but the time will come, and until then I plan to live life as if every day were my last.

D. S. 

Having the time to read through my previous musings is a luxury I thought I'd forsaken in favour of responsibility and frivolity, yet somehow I have managed to cling to a few private and peaceful hours before the start of another rambunctious weekend.

Exploring the mind of my past is rather interesting, if completely self-indulgent, but I find it gives me awareness of how my writing is (or isn't) improving, and I gain a surprising clarity towards my own emotions. I suppose this is the reason why people write diaries; not as a public record of all your achievements, but for the personal journey where you can acknowledge overcoming any obstacles.

Indeed a few of my entries have been rather haphazard, even bipolar (for want of a less medical phrase) but there are a few that I cannot forget...

Sunday, January 10 2010
I've been brought up a Catholic, and though I am far from the best example of a Christian, I do still believe in God, despite the struggle I have with my faith. I can still remember exactly what I felt that day when I went to church, and it's not something you can forget in a hurry... Not that I truly want to.


Monday, May 10 2010
Similarly I can remember the love I felt for the Duke, even after my decision to let him leave. It may have taken me years to truly realise that we were never compatible, but it was around this time that it began to sink in that our future was not together, even though this was while he was still betrothed...

Wednesday, January 26 2011
The Grande Tour as suggest by the Duke. How can I forget the turmoil I was in; To spend every waking moment with the man I loved, our sunrises giving birth to the Continent before us and the sunsets letting us slip into a writhing mass of overtly sensual licentiousness, or to give up hope and fully admit that he was moving on with his life?

Monday, March 28 2011
My years in the Northern counties provided me with many things, and even more infatuations. The musician toyed with my emotions, less like a cat with string, and increasingly like a tentative piranha, and almost reflexively I couldn't help but experiment... It wasn't my intention, it wasn't my first time, and it certainly wasn't my last, but it was the moment that I decided I would never be ashamed of my more erotic and epicurean desires.

Sunday, September 25 2011
My travels to the Antipodes. Not only was it the best decision I've ever made, and possibly still is, but it's where I fell in love, became an adult, loved and hated, had regrets for the first time... And it's where I began to value my independence more than ever.

Friday, December 9 2011
There is nothing more to say than this is the night I realised I was already in love with the Captain... Our meeting was fleeting, our love may be diminishing but this evening that we spent together is one I will treasure until my dying day.

Saturday, June 2 2012
The day before I left the Antipodes, and I was in more than a little pensive mood... Love, death, the future, the past; in fact many of those questions have still not been answered, and I doubt they ever will be.

Friday, September 28 2012
Today... I live in the Shire, near my friends and family, and have been given responsibilities so that idle thumbs do not make light work for the devil. Apparently. I have an array of men at my disposal and though there are one or two I truly care deeply about, I'm still struggling with my love for the Captain. I fear I've lost him, and I don't know what this means for the future. For our future, for my future, because without realising it, I had fully intended to return to the Antipodes solely for the Captain.

I had become one of those women, dependent on a man.

But, retrospectively, I have had the time to think about what he means to me, and though I don't think I can yet say I don't love him, I think I owe myself more in life than to chase half way across the world for a man... Especially a man that claims to love me and then remains rather scarce when I need him.

For now I shall count down the days (14) until the White Knight's return and I shall flirt with the gentleman that dock their caps at me, and I shall curtsey to the Lords that praise my accomplishments and I shall laugh and be jolly with my friends. For now that is all I want.



D. S.

Who'd have thought the Captain would be the first to break?

I know I left him a note in the Antipodes with the brunette with one final goodbye and, I hope, the last of apologies, but I am barely home for three days and already I have heard from him! It was a fleeting comment, an apology of his own and the words I have longed to hear; I miss you, I have missed you for a long time.

My heart leapt at the thought of him, but more of what could have been, and a glimpse of what could be... I am in a turmoil as when to return to the Antipodes. I know I want to, but I can't seem to decide when! And, rightly so, Mother and Father are less than impressed with my talk of leaving when I have only just returned home! But the thought of returning and landing safely in the Captain's arms? Honestly I can't think of anywhere in the world I'd rather be.

Friday night is already a wee bit of a blur, though I know I was surrounded by my ladies of the Shire. The Baroness and Marquessa too joined me in my welcome back soirée, and I revelled in the attention and I cannot thank my friends enough for the love they give to me. How I have coped so long without them, I truly have no idea.

There was a slight blip on the evening's rather tranquil, hazy atmosphere. I spied a familiar looking coat in the crowds of people, the Marquessa did her utmost to shield me from my past lover, but there he was; the Duke. Tall, dark, handsome, regal and no longer enraptured with me it seems... How many years has it been? I daren't even consider him in my current affairs, but we shared a look; he seemed curious to know that I had returned, and though his engagement had been called off last we'd spoken, I saw her, his fiancé by his side, as if nothing had changed.

I'm glad they are happy, but I have moved on. I couldn't be happier, especially knowing that the Captain has me in his heart. 

Though I wonder for how long that will last?



D. S.

My body is racked with pain and I have taken on a sanguine hue as well as my usual temperament after a day spent on the beach.


A day of relaxation with my most enamoured friend the brunette was the perfect remedy to the last few days. Not only have I had the pleasure of the Captain's company once again, but I met a fellow English gentleman who intends to sweep me off my feet. These three are the most important relationships that have blossomed in the last few days, the rest are merely fleeting.

Actually no, not quite. There is another whom has made an impact; the friend of the brunette's. He has become quite the reliable tease, always there when you need him and full of everyone else's gossip. I don't know where she found him, but he makes me laugh and I feel completely at ease with him. I have, however, definitely ruled out any sort of tumble with him, I don't think it is what either of us are looking for.


The English gentleman too, is not quite the tumble I thought he could be at first glance. No one, as of yet, has measured up to the Captain and because of this he still holds my heart. Nonetheless, the English gentleman is intriguing and of course we have much to discuss of one's social circle's back on our wonderful English soil.


I don't think he can take the Captain's place - just as no one has yet replaced the musician or the Duke - but he is more of a distraction than a purely physical relationship would be.


The brunette is embroiled in her own web of love and lies, and I hope that the situation is resolved sooner rather than later. I was wrong to get jealous of her pending friendship with the Captain. There is nothing there that I could accuse them of, and of course I know I only have myself to blame if he does run into her, or anyone else's arms.


I do hope to see both the Captain and the English gentleman again in the next few days. I don't want to sound crass and say 'out with the old and in with the new' because I don't want to get rid of the Captain. I wouldn't have given the English gentleman a second look if I'd managed to win back the Captain by now. But it seems he is rather stubborn and I am a victim of my own mistakes, he is truly making me take the consequences of my actions.


No one could ever accuse the Antipodes of having a dull moment.





D. S.

Merry Christmas darlings! Can you believe that this time last year I was tucked up in bed pining for the Duke and wishing you all a wonderful day?

Not much has changed, I still wish you all the best of Christmases, but though my pining for the Duke has subsided, of course there is still a craving for someone I do not have. Are we ever truly satisfied?

This year my heart aches for the young Captain, and though he did not respond to my letterling per se, he did wish me a merry Christmas. I suppose it's that time of year where he wants to leave things admirably, and I'm touched that he included me in his Christmas wishes, but I want more! I always want more...

My hours of labouring have ceased for the Christmas period, but I know that at work every time I looked down the market I expected to see the young Captain walking towards me. I felt a pang in my chest every time I saw someone of the same build and colouring and was disappointed at every turn. 

No one could have predicted that an evening out with my brother, the brunette (who has seemed to have calmed down in her obsession with me) her fiancé and a few other revellers in the city would mean a chance meeting with the young Captain. More than anything I was worried about seeing the Stone Mason who I have been ignoring after choosing the young Captain, especially as he lives on the South Side of the bridge...

However, seeing the Captain for the most fleeting of moments stopped my heart, and I couldn't really enjoy the celebrations of having my brother in the Antipodes. My Father and Brother have now been here for a few days and it is wonderful having everyone together for Christmas, but they brought stories of the Shire and I truly miss the Winter and all my Ladies. 

No fretting. It is Christmas day and the sun is shining! I have all my family with me and though I am not with all those I love I hope they know they are in my thoughts... Especially the young Captain.

D. S.

I have only been home for a matter of days but already I have itchy feet and am looking to travel; to go on my own Grande Tour!


I wonder if I have left it too late to ask the Duke to accompany me, but if it weren't for the danger of being a lone woman I wouldn't even want to take my entourage. I want to escape, to rid myself of my title and experience new sights and tastes that I have yet to even imagine. Mother is not as enthralled with this idea as I am... Unsurprisingly.


She has conjured up some eligible man that she procurred from God-knows-where, as only Mother knows how, to make some awkward introductions this weekend. I'm not sure whether I should be grateful or insulted! But I suppose mothers will be mothers and she can't abide having a spinster for a daughter forever! I won't plan on being nonchalant, I will give this poor fellow a chance, but I don't expect him to tickle my fancy, at least not in any comparison to the musician!

I did receive an invitation yesterday that brought a smile to my face, from the dear nun who left me alone at the Convent two weeks ago! She is having a wonderful time on the Coast and wondered whether I would care to join her for a few days. Of course I said yes, I'd be delighted to see her again and I look forward to evenings huddled around the harpsichord singing hymns.


Armiger has kept in touch though I haven't seen him half as much as I would have liked to, but I do hope he keeps to his promise of a Ball tonight! I could so do with some fun, and I'm sure I could single out that seventeen year old and have some fun with him...


There I go again. I even went to Church this morning with Mother to try and atone for some of my sins but I can't seem to help myself! If I'm not hurting anyone, am I really doing anything wrong?


 

D. S.

It seems that I saved all my bad behaviour for this summer!

Every year I make new resolutions that fade into the background as life takes hold but compared to last year, and with my infatuation with the musician, I thought I'd been relatively well-behaved. However, I seem to have over-indulged during these summer months; causing havoc at the Convent, scandalising my (non-existent) reputation, fraternising with the Scottish Earl... Is it dreadful of me to be proud of myself for not pursuing the priest?

I cannot believe that I even had audacity to utter those words, but his blunt judgement of my character has reformed me somewhat, and I still crave his approval. I know that I have left the Convent and I won't see the priest in close proximity any time soon, but even at church I'll feel judgement pass through his eyes. Am I really that awful, that immoral? Actually, that is not a question I want answered.

The Duke's new cousin-in-law, his former betrothed, has yet to grace the Shire with her presence, as is the custom for a new bride. Of course there are a few altercations with the new marriage, but I would hate to be estranged from any of my family due to an improper wedding but the Duke being the Duke has failed to mention the occurrence, let alone his own feelings. Of course I shouldn't expect any less. 

Alas Belle has had her birthday celebrations and I was not in attendance, for which I feel very guilty, but the Convent was very strict about my comings and goings. One of the reasons why it was so easy to slip into the Scottish Earl's arms was because of the close proximity, it would have been harder to stay away...

It is wonderful to be home. Mother has made a fuss and my brother has grown a few more inches... I wonder what the next few weeks will entail.

D. S.

Although I have seen the Duke since I found out about his former-betrothed's recent marriage I haven't plucked up the courage to ask him how he feels.

I know that I would be devasted; I have no qualms with admitting my fear of rejection,but the Duke is always so calm, so regal. He would die rather than admit he was in pain, that he was hurting. Emotions are not at the forefront of his mind whereas I am led by my heart... And by my lust.

No there is nothing new to report back regarding the Scottish Earl, nor even the seventeen year old friend of Armiger who graced my presence not that long ago... I have been behaving as it were, to prove to no one but myself that it CAN be done.

One of the nuns has left me. I never thought I'd get too attached to someone whose sole purpose in life is dedicated to God, but she taught me things I'd never even considered and although she has moved to a new Abbey further North, she is no longer in confinement. Once I have left the Convent at the end of this week I shall make the pilgrimage to see her, for music was our passion and she never judged my mistakes too harshly.

The priest on the other hand seems to have a vendetta against me. He won't speak to me unless he has to, and he barely looks at me when he says the few polite words through his gritted teeth. I know that my behaviour is sometimes less than desirable but I though a priest of all people would be the most forgiving!  I shouldn't really complain, and I know that my Mother would be pleased that his stony silence has reformed me, albeit for a few days. So I suppose I should just acknowledge that his distance is working... But I yearn for his approval and at the same time resent the power he has over me.



D. S.

If it were true that one's ears burned when rumours and gossip were being spread I don't think I'd ever have a moment burn-free.

I shall make no apologies for my brazen behaviour over the last few weeks, nor hint at a twinge of regret, but it seems I have become the victim of salacious slander. I should not be surprised that word got out; Mother has raised her eyebrow at me more than once as I return home bleary eyed after a day at the Convent and the nuns have very little to talk about other than my insubordination. Yet I did think that it was part of a priest's code and conduct to be discreet and keep secrets...

There is nothing more to report other than the infrequency of my liaisons with the Scottish Earl and the surprisingly wonderful time I am having at the Convent. I never thought I'd utter the words, but, I can't wait to have children of my own! I'm nowhere near ready, but I am looking forward to being a Mother, if only I weren't slightly hampered by my lack of a husband.

I think Mother is afraid that I shall join the Church and become a nun. Unbelievable of course, though I suppose it is better that she thinks that rather than knowing the truth about my dalliances! I dread to think how she'd react if she knew even half the things I've done... I'd be locked up until my wedding day!

Speaking of weddings, I heard through the grapevine that the Duke's former-betrothed has secretly married a cousin of his. I daren't ask the Duke if it is true, I should know better than anyone to not listen to vicious rumours, but if it is true he must be hurting at the familial betrayal! 

Oh hypocrisy! How I have missed you!

I wonder if he is relieved, whether he ever thinks of her, if he's grateful or if he even knows. I know any attempt to seek him out to quench my desire for facts would end up with a door slammed in my face but I can't help myself. I shall write to him. No doubt it will not be long before we meet at some Ball or other but I cannot restrain myself from wanting to know the truth, from wanting to make sure that he is all right... I wonder if I should ask the priest for his council.

D. S. 

What a busy week back it has been, barely the time to collect my thoughts!


I spent the weekend with Armiger, my Squire from France, who is useful in correcting my French, but whose sensibilities result in a refusal to indulge my whims, which can get a little tedious. However, he is a dear friend and knows the most delectable parties to go to, one of which we attended in Oxfordshire that was hosted by a few eminent equestrians. We twirled the night away laughing about nothing in particular and as the time came to say our farewells a rather boisterous seventeen year old stole kiss from my lips! It was terribly audacious of him, especially as he is the same age as my brother, yet though his impertinence made me blush I know he didn't mean any harm. Armiger found the whole situation most amusing, and promised me that I'd be invited to the next event, if I managed to behave myself!


After we'd left and were on what I thought was the journey home, I realised Armiger had failed to mention that we were going to take a detour. Apparently we were off to collect a Prussian couple, ferrying them to safe-house before they began their own journey home. I wanted to ask more questions but Armiger can be so stern, so I just accepted my predicament without so much of a peep. I have to admit that I slept through most of our travels, and had to apologise to the Prussian couple once we'd arrived at their safe-house for my rudeness, but they said it was probably for the best because it wouldn't have been fair to make me privy to the information they'd had to pass on to Armiger... My curiosity was piqued but I could tell that it was still inappropriate to ask any questions.


Once we were alone again I still couldn't find the words to express my interest, not without sounding like a petulant child, and there was something about Armiger's demeanour that silenced my tongue, not an easy feat I may add! The morning sun was high in the sky by the time I made it home, the house-hold only beginning to stir, but Armiger had disappeared before I could even thank him for the wonderful evening.


It took two days before I could recover from the festivities, and in that time Armiger never let me have a moment alone with him to ask any questions, and although I happily fill my life with frivolities, I did not quite have the gall to mention the excursion. It seemed a little too important for that.


So, to put my mind at ease and forget the entire incident - as I thankfully managed to do after the nude embarrassment in Iberia - I did what I do best; socialising with my darling Ladies and prestigious Lords of the Shire.


Lord Berkeley had a wonderful soiree a few nights ago and we all drank champagne, revelling in our achievements and laughing at the memories. Thankfully all this excitement has put Harlequin far from my thoughts, though having the Duke in attendance did nothing for my emotions. I was terribly impressed with the idea of an expedition to a menagerie the following day, and was delighted with all the animals! Especially as it proved to be the perfect distraction from any straying thoughts about the Duke, Armiger and the Prussian couple.


Since then I have returned home to my clothes still unpacked from my time in the North. It feels as if I'd be admitting defeat if I had them unpacked, for I fear it denotes that I shall never again leave the Shire. I know I am being silly, but I am young, I do not want to have to live in one place for the rest of my life. The Capital is calling and I yearn to answer with fervour. 





D. S.

I'm sorry to disappoint but I still haven't seen the Scottish Earl.


The right time hasn't really occured and he has made it quite clear that he is only after one thing. And I know that I don't think of him in a romantic way, but it would be nice to be chased by someone who wanted me for more than just a rumble in the bedchamber.


So I have been distracting myself with friends and family. I had the most delightful night with my Lords and Ladies (a few of which were noticeably missed) drinking the night away and catching up after the last few months. Nothing too scandalous was discussed, though there was much evading of certain subjects... Mainly the Duke. I'm intrigued as to what it is I'm not supposed to know.


My birthday came up quite a lot and I think we are to travel to the Spa and have a decadent day with much champagne and strawberries. Though raspberries are a personal favourite!


Had a strange scribbled note from the Court Jester asking if I'd ever kissed a certain Apothecary but I'm afraid he is much mistaken! I wonder if he made up the rumour just to get in contact with me? I do miss him, there is no one like the Court Jester here in the Shire; everyone is far too refined and distinguished to mess around like the two of us do together. The same could be said for the Gameskeeper, Brewer, and of course Belle, (I'm doing my best not to mention the musician), for there is none of the same camaraderie as there is up in the North and I miss them all greatly.

I do love being back in the Shire and it will always be my home, but I almost feel that I am out growing it. I'm not sure how to explain it really, but there are certain things that just remind me of my childhood and I'd prefer them to stay that way rather than become an integral part of my life... 


As well a being Good Friday, today is also the anniversary of my Grandmother's death and I truly miss her. She was such an elegant lady, so kind and generous and the patient Mother to six children. 

It makes me laugh to think that I can barely look after myself and she was so perfect. 

Though I suppose it would be more correct to say that she was Mother to seven... Or at least gave birth to seven children. Soon after her death, a decade ago, we found out that she'd had a child out of wedlock. It was quite the scandal, especially as the daughter arrived at the funeral. No one faults my Grandmother, no one could, she had a heart of gold, but I think it strained the relationship between her husband, Grandpa and his children. Though Father refuses to admit it.


I've never really delved into my history before but it seems that my Grandparents, on both sides, were not so innocent as I once thought. I don't mean anything as treachorous as murder or incest, but lying and coercion? I don't think that can be denied...

D. S.

It seems that news of my imminent return to the Shire has reached certain past lovers, namely the Scottish Earl, who has requested a rendezvous.


The distraction could not have come at a better time, yet I almost feel like this could be a deja vu! Once again, the Scottish Earl has appeared as an emotional crutch after heartache (I cannot quite bring myself to call it heartbreak) and enticed me with tender words and passionate promises.


I guess I have truly let the musician go.


Don't give me a round of applause just yet, as I haven't had the (dis)pleasure of his company since last week's concert. So it has been rather easy to put him out of my mind. 


In fact I haven't seen the Brewer, Gameskeeper or musician for nearly a week now and I'm finding it very noticeable! Thankfully Belle has kept me entertained for a few hours and I did manage to attend a Ball over the weekend in honour of a Lady's birthday. Nevertheless, Easter back in the Shire is going to be a little strange if I'm not having lunch with the Gameskeeper every day, or 'accidentally' bumping into the musician in the library!


Almost four months I have spent up North without returning home and I have to admit that I cannot wait to walk the corridors of the South Wing and remember the summer nights with the Head Architect and the long days with my Ladies! Then of course there is the Duke, whose return to England is slowly approaching.


I know that I am reminiscing about my separate lives in both the North and my darling Shire, but the former of the two is swiftly coming to a close. My future has not officially been decided but I know that I will spend the summer torn between my two homes.


Spring should be a time for new beginnings, not the start of the final chapter!

D. S.

Another week has passed and I have maintained my decision to forgo the Grande Tour with the Duke. My relief is something I cannot deny and it has helped me realise that I have made the right choice; NOT to run away and expect a fairytale ending with the Duke. He is too fickle and needs to take care of himself, escaping convention but not bringing me down with him.

I wrote him a letter explaining 'why' and I have yet to receive a response. I don't know how he will react but we have recovered from so many assiduous situations that I don't doubt our relationship to last longer than this relapse.

The Court Jester has returned to the Northern counties and nothing could have made me happier except that the musician and his friends have returned from their travels so that I have the people I love around me once again. I look forward to seeing the musician tomorrow night but until then I have other snippets to talk about...

This weekend was an absolute delight, I whiled away the hours with the rowers, laughing and talking, watching them row with the Court Jester, nothing particularly out of the ordinary. However, it seems that there is a slight discrepancy regarding their coxswain! He has always been rather quiet in comparison to the other gentlemen, and keeps to himself. I thought it was to do with his height, as he is easily vertically challenged -the perfect size to be a coxswain - but not what one could call a dwarf. He is perfectly proportioned, if slightly effeminate.

Well, after sitting on the banks watching them row the Court Jester and I parted ways and I decided to wait for the rest of the gentlemen and I caught a glimpse of the coxswain kissing the gentleman who normally sits at Number 5! Of course I was shocked, I may be rather lax in my own morals but to have two men kissing in only relatively discreet cover was astonishing even for me. I didn't know whether to warn them of my presence and help them hide (no one can help who they fall in love with) or just pretend that I hadn't seen anything and remove myself from the situation. But it was just as well that I was transfixed by the sight for moments later the coxswain's hat fell to the ground revealing the most gorgeous length of hair and Number 5 seemed to have his hand on a breast!

I'm not sure what to think but I believe that the gentlemen's VIII have been deceiving the Club with their coxswain, for he is actually a she! I think I'm going to keep this information to myself, for now, but I do wish I could find out who the coxswain really is!? I might have to do some digging but this is the most delicious scandal and has already made my decision to stay in my darling England well worth it!

Wish me luck on my path of curiosity. I know I should just ignore what I saw or ask outright but I'm intrigued! I want to know how long it has been going on for and who she is!?



D. S.

I'm hoping that you are not expecting a decision to have been made regarding the Duke. I have weighed up both the reasons for and against this Grande Tour and am unable to think objectively. It's the Duke! How can I not want to travel the Continent with him? How would I be able to cope here in the North knowing that the Duke was journeying through countries I can barely imagine? Even more so, how could I bear to live in the Shire, my home, with all the memories that I have of the Duke, not knowing when he would return, if at all?


Then again, I am still so angry at the situation that he has put me in! How dare he?! Years I have waited for a tiny semblance of his love for me, and even now I doubt that it is love spurring him on. It is not how I expected; a proposal to deny my family name and not be formally united with his own? He knows my disdain for convention but I cannot lie to myself when it is my heart at stake. 


I can't understand why I'm stalling and refusing to be honest and upfront with the Duke. Why can I not mention the word 'marriage' without blushing and feeling like a child? Of course he needs to escape from his ruined engagement and I am proud of him for taking charge but it's his life he's running away from. I love my life, I don't want to run away.


Is it wrong that I keep making excuses to not go with him? If I wanted to go with him I would, wouldn't I? Impulsive decisions are my forte but I can't ever give myself a straight answer, and for a change I don't want to do anything rash! How I wish Harlequin and the Court Jester were around to placate me and help me with this arduous task! I miss them both bitterly and darling Lady Lina is being a saint helping out at orphanages and work houses, so I feel that my problems are rather trivial in comparison! I know I could write to the Baroness or Marquessa but I can't let them know for fear of my Mother finding out! 


It's true that all of my non-decision making has leant heavily on my feelings for the Duke and I don't think that the musician should be a factor at all but I cannot help but long to see him and it pains me when I am not with him and his friends. I care about them so deeply and yet I can't ask for their help either. The musician would beg indifference and that would hurt and no doubt cause me to leave and I don't want to.


There.


I said it.


I don't want to leave.





D. S. 

So the Duke has responded to my letter. I have not the strength to post it all here, but I will fill you in with the gist of it.


Apparently his birthday festivities have been cancelled. He is leaving for the Continent in a few weeks to partake in a Grande Tour of Europe. He does not know his purpose or how long he will be abroad for, he only knows that he wants to escape the trivialities that come with his post. The pressure of marriage, of propriety, of social conventions that date back to the Dark Ages.


He asked me to leave with him.


I'd be forsaking my family name, ruining any connections that I have made for my family here in the North, abandoning the burgeoning relationships that may or may not be. If I left with the Duke I would see the world, spending my days with the one lover that I never forgot, the one man who has always been completely honest with me, never expecting anything from me. Until now.


How on earth can he ask me to give up my entire life for him? I thought that this was what I always wanted but it seems not. Is it the commitment that I am afraid of? My reputation has suffered brutally when I have given into my body's longings, but I have survived, just about. Yet to leave with the Duke would destroy any possibilities of salvaging what I have left, and destroy his own reputation in the process. Would it be worth it?


There is something else that is making me hesitant about my decision. The musician. Can I just pack all my belongings and leave him? I'm far too optimistic about what is going on between us (so far nothing) but I do enjoy spending time with him and the other musicians. I snuck out the other night and heard the musician and some of the others playing and singing in a tavern. I couldn't help myself even though I know it was silly of me, but we ended up having a lovely time and the musician was almost friendly to me!


It is difficult for me to do justice to the platonic relationship that I have with the musician, I don't know what I want from him or him from me. Yet I am happiest when spending time with him and his friends. Can these friendships mean so much to me that I give up on any chance of a relationship with the Duke, even though I know that wanting the musician is futile? Or do I risk it, leaving my beloved Shire and the North that I have grown to accustomed to behind, on a whim of the Duke's?





D. S.

I apologise for the length of time it has taken me to inform you of my Northern adventures! The days have slipped by me, and I have already heard plans for February and had to organise my own. I don't understand where the time goes!


However, there is much to discuss from the past fortnight and unfortunately not all of it is pleasing! No doubt you will have noticed the slander that has cropped up after my mention of Fanny Hill. I agree that I might have taken it a little bit too far; I was angry and upset at the time and clearly wasn't thinking straight. I'm not going to deny my intrigue, but with my reputation in tatters I think it is best I leave the romantic literature for those of lesser upbringing. (It is true, Mother has no idea about my behaviour in the North, and I would be dreadfully embarrassed if she were to find out).


There have also been some intriguing advancements with both the Duke and musician. That makes it sound like a military tactic, though I suppose I'm trying to choose wisely; using my head instead of my heart, which frequently makes mistakes, or giving in to my lust which just ends up sullying my reputation.


Nevertheless, I seem to have already made a few mistakes with the musician. Apparently he does not appreciate my candid manner at turning up uninvited to events, and maybe I could do with a more subtle approach, but we should all know by now that that is all a part of my charm! I tried to pop into the library to surprise him with a little gift yesterday, a token of my admiration but he was no where to be found! Was rather surprised as he is normally predictable -  no doubt he is avoiding me - or, it is more likely that he didn't think anything of it for he doesn't care!


The Duke on the other hand has been rather removed from my life, though this lack of contact after the Christmas festivities has actually made me more interested in what he wants from me. Unless of course that is his ploy after all! I sent him a letter, not more than a few days ago, saying I was looking forward to seeing him for his birthday - already planning for the Spring - but I have yet to receive correspondence, though hopefully it will be soon.


I have yet to return to rowing, there seems to be a tension in the air with how much work every has to do, preparations for life it seems, something that I don't apparently need (not that I would heed the notion). 


There are many things to do this weekend; friends to see, cake to sample - the simple pleasures in life! Hopefully going to bump into the musician, although I am not going to make any more of an effort than usual, if it happens, it happens. And maybe the Duke will reply to my letter and distract me! If only.





D. S. 

Happy New Year!


It's only taken me a few days to recover from the drunken debauchery that was New Year's Eve, and as I promised, it will be worth the wait!


As you can see, I have spruced things up a little bit; if I can't change my lifestyle I may as well do it in style!


We had a few glorious days which caused the snow to melt and meant that New Year's Eve almost felt balmy in comparison to Christmas Day! (And in hindsight I completely blame the temperature for all the skin that was bared that evening, and the clothes that still seem to be missing!)


The evening was spent with the finest lords and ladies of the Shire. Some of whom I haven't laid eyes on in months! My Darling Baroness opened her home to the drunken revelry that I brought unannounced, for which I apologise, but it seemed that we managed to mix rather well!


The Duke was there. Of course. It seems like it wouldn't be a New Year's Eve without the obligatory pang in my chest, although this year I refrained from telling him I loved him! I believe that is what one calls progress?


We were not joined by the Officer who is away on a Call of Duty, nor the Scottish Earl whose amorous intentions have more than waned. Though that is probably for the best, for I want this new year to succeed in moulding a new me and I could do without the temptations!


No midnight kiss shared with anyone - I actually missed the countdown but I daren't explain - nor anything else remotely vulgar! For playing games under the stars with your closest friends, regardless of how scantily clad, is nothing but innocent! 


I didn't wake up alone, but that there were four of us in a bed... Well think what you will!


I go back up North tomorrow and I have a slight feeling of trepidation. I am leaving behind the Duke who I never thought would be free for the taking, and I suppose he still isn't. He does have a slight superiority complex to say the least, though that could be his way of coping with the dissolution of his engagement! I do wonder what she did, for how can he even hint at wanting to be with me, when he knows me better than anyone else? Of course he is always above reproach but I, on the other hand, well, we all know what I'm like!

And then there is the musician. I have not heard from him once since I returned to the Shire, and normally I would be put out by this obvious neglect. Yet I have been in close correspondence with a shared friend, and it seems that he is working away at something, barely leaving the music room to eat. 


It's inspiring to hear about someone who is so passionate about something other than social conventions!


I wonder if I can entice him away for a brief rendez vous when I return... I normally have to compete against other women, not some other fancy. Though I know that word doesn't do this musician justice!


I'm looking forward to seeing my ladies when I return to the North. I hope my Lady Lina will let us throw her a birthday party, or I might even try my hand at cooking for her! (No one was more surprised than I to find I quite enjoy cooking). I hope she has had the most perfect birthday today! Oh these archaic times where I cannot talk to her and wish her the very best! I suppose I'll just have to wait a few more days.


Until then, I shall leave to go and oversee the packing. Don't want to leave anything behind for it will be a while before I return to the Shire, but I am so looking forward to this year's mis-adventures!





D. S.