Having the time to read through my previous musings is a luxury I thought I'd forsaken in favour of responsibility and frivolity, yet somehow I have managed to cling to a few private and peaceful hours before the start of another rambunctious weekend.

Exploring the mind of my past is rather interesting, if completely self-indulgent, but I find it gives me awareness of how my writing is (or isn't) improving, and I gain a surprising clarity towards my own emotions. I suppose this is the reason why people write diaries; not as a public record of all your achievements, but for the personal journey where you can acknowledge overcoming any obstacles.

Indeed a few of my entries have been rather haphazard, even bipolar (for want of a less medical phrase) but there are a few that I cannot forget...

Sunday, January 10 2010
I've been brought up a Catholic, and though I am far from the best example of a Christian, I do still believe in God, despite the struggle I have with my faith. I can still remember exactly what I felt that day when I went to church, and it's not something you can forget in a hurry... Not that I truly want to.


Monday, May 10 2010
Similarly I can remember the love I felt for the Duke, even after my decision to let him leave. It may have taken me years to truly realise that we were never compatible, but it was around this time that it began to sink in that our future was not together, even though this was while he was still betrothed...

Wednesday, January 26 2011
The Grande Tour as suggest by the Duke. How can I forget the turmoil I was in; To spend every waking moment with the man I loved, our sunrises giving birth to the Continent before us and the sunsets letting us slip into a writhing mass of overtly sensual licentiousness, or to give up hope and fully admit that he was moving on with his life?

Monday, March 28 2011
My years in the Northern counties provided me with many things, and even more infatuations. The musician toyed with my emotions, less like a cat with string, and increasingly like a tentative piranha, and almost reflexively I couldn't help but experiment... It wasn't my intention, it wasn't my first time, and it certainly wasn't my last, but it was the moment that I decided I would never be ashamed of my more erotic and epicurean desires.

Sunday, September 25 2011
My travels to the Antipodes. Not only was it the best decision I've ever made, and possibly still is, but it's where I fell in love, became an adult, loved and hated, had regrets for the first time... And it's where I began to value my independence more than ever.

Friday, December 9 2011
There is nothing more to say than this is the night I realised I was already in love with the Captain... Our meeting was fleeting, our love may be diminishing but this evening that we spent together is one I will treasure until my dying day.

Saturday, June 2 2012
The day before I left the Antipodes, and I was in more than a little pensive mood... Love, death, the future, the past; in fact many of those questions have still not been answered, and I doubt they ever will be.

Friday, September 28 2012
Today... I live in the Shire, near my friends and family, and have been given responsibilities so that idle thumbs do not make light work for the devil. Apparently. I have an array of men at my disposal and though there are one or two I truly care deeply about, I'm still struggling with my love for the Captain. I fear I've lost him, and I don't know what this means for the future. For our future, for my future, because without realising it, I had fully intended to return to the Antipodes solely for the Captain.

I had become one of those women, dependent on a man.

But, retrospectively, I have had the time to think about what he means to me, and though I don't think I can yet say I don't love him, I think I owe myself more in life than to chase half way across the world for a man... Especially a man that claims to love me and then remains rather scarce when I need him.

For now I shall count down the days (14) until the White Knight's return and I shall flirt with the gentleman that dock their caps at me, and I shall curtsey to the Lords that praise my accomplishments and I shall laugh and be jolly with my friends. For now that is all I want.



D. S.

I hope I am not the only bewitched, bothered and bewildered member of the cloisters at the moment... I have no qualms with peoples behaviour nor the current affiliates of the cloth, but the latest candidates are lacking something. They remind me too much of myself to give themselves wholly to the Lord.


Belle is her usual delight even though she has yet to say a word. I asked the Gameskeeper about her and he said it wasn't for him to say, but told me not to worry. If it were anyone else I couldn't listen to the advice, but from Belle and the Gameskeeper? I trust them implicitly and will wait the necessary time.


According to the brunette she has travelled to the Continent in search of refuge. The tone of her letters is more than appealing, and I don't doubt that I too will travel in her footsteps after my Summer in the Convent.


The White Knight, though I have yet to lay eyes on him again, has kept in touch by note, by bouquet of flowers and by act in the arena every day. If I go more than a moon's sleep without hearing from him, then I know that something has happened... But I cannot fathom as to why this communication has started again after a year!

I adore teaching, yet my Father does not approve of my current achievements in life; he would prefer to see me married and producing children every other year... Teaching is 'unbefitting of my status' but I cannot just sit at home waiting for the right man! How can I find the right man by sitting at home?


Fortunately my Mother agrees with me, saying I should broaden my horizons and have more to talk about than other people and fashion. So for now I am safe, but I do hope they don't start setting me up with unattached men of my age. They both know my heart belongs to another, and has been left in the Antipodes...




D. S.

It's difficult to try and explain why I am at the Convent, especially to those who don't know me well. 

Certainly I am no nun-in-training, they would never allow someone of my pleasing misbehaviour to grace the cloth. And though I teach, it is purely for the love of imparting knowledge, if not befitting of someone of my social status.

Thankfully I have been decidedly refined this past week, and though I am receiving a few unwanted looks, it is nothing I can't handle, and certainly nothing unexpected.

The Captain has kept a steady flow of correspondence my way, though it is I who has been a little bit lax, (I blame the lack of time here at the Convent). And though my feelings for him are not waning, I am trying to be more realistic... Until I have made a decision about my future, and I can guarantee my return to the Antipodes I cannot give either of us false hope.

I have seen no more of my previous amour, which is somewhat disappointing, but it is to be expected if I am gracing the cloisters of hallowed ground.

The brunette has disappeared yet again and I miss her dreadfully, though I shall never forget the times we had together. Belle is keeping refuge in the Convent, a vow of silence has graced her lips so there is nothing I can find out about the why of her whereabouts... She smiles though, and I do not fear that she is in pain nor doing an unnecessary penance.

Speaking of penance, I was walking past the confessional the other day and noticed a familiar looking shield lying next to a bench.... At first I couldn't believe that after all the time he was about to walk back into my life, but there he was, the White Knight.

I'm not sure if too much time has past for us to rekindle the blossoming romance from last year, (I know it's something my Mother would appreciate) but I felt it rather inappropriate to ask while he too tried to atone for his sins. (Of course I can't help but be curious as to what his sins are!)

I received a surprising note from the Brewer a few nights back as well, he seemed - as always - to be in good spirits, but there was a decidedly saucy undertone that I've never felt from him before! It has been far too long since I have seen the Gameskeeper or Brewer, but I'm intrigued to know how our friendships will have fared the time and distance of the last year.

My darling nun has been keeping my spirits up when I've had to cope with the scrutinising look of the priest. My presence is clearly unwanted, and they think my atonement is a farce, another means to gain unnecessary attention... Judgement comes far too easily to some people.



D. S.

The heart knows no pain like an unrequited love... Something I know only too well after my ever dwindling relationship with the musician. It is a quote I hear oft spoken by the Baroness, whose feelings about unrequited love bring a tear to her blue eyes, and cause her to choke back her own heart break.


Fortunately, I have a heart of stone, and though I sometimes beg to differ with my emotional attachments, I know too well that love is not something I have dabbled with too deeply. Or at least I hope that my unrequited feelings are not all that I'll ever know.

Unsurprisingly, I have not turned over a new leaf, and the last few days have continued with the summer haze of champagne, friends and dancing. I'm making the most of my time here in the Shire before my hasty departure to a foreign land. It saddens me to think of all that I'll be leaving behind, but it truly does feel like the beginning of an adventure! And maybe, in this unnamed land I'll find the love that I crave!


My quarrel with the priest has made me think more about my actions; I rarely consider the consequences but as long as I and my friends are happy I see no harm in a bit of raucous debauchery! The lack of my presence at the Church has been noted, but I have made acceptable excuses (I think) for now, and besides, there is only one Sunday left between now and my departure date!


I am planning to visit the Court Jester in the North before I leave. I don't think I could ever forgive myself if anything happened on my journey and I wasn't able to say goodbye or express my gratitude for his friendship. No doubt I will see Belle on my return, though I'll try and keep it a surprise until then, and maybe even Lady Lina and the Brewer!


The Gameskeeper, on the other hand, has proceeded to this unnamed country before me, but I know that we shall meet in due course. I look forward to it greatly, and to see my Aunts and Uncles and indeed, my Nana.


Until then I have to start thinking about packing and what is necessary on such a long trip. Apparently by travelling to the Southern hemisphere I am going back to Summer so shall not need coats or scarves. I do hope nothing unsavoury occurs between now and then, though I don't doubt something will arrive!





D. S.

Nuns are not at all what I expected, or at least that can definitely be said about the nun I went to visit down on the Coast.

I have just about got over my initial shock as to how I should react; for once in my life I was rendered speechless and I yearn for my quick wit to return...

I arrived at the Coast, truffles in tow, prepared for a quiet, reminiscent few days with the nun, yet it seems she had other plans. We spent the first few hours talking solely about the Convent and the wretched priest, but our conversation slowly became a little more stilted and my dear nun seemed quite overcome with emotion. I was flummoxed and totally unprepared for her to confide in me, though I'm glad she did. She was very flustered and after not too long told me to follow her upstairs...

A baby lay in a crib alongside her bed, a beautiful blue-eyed boy, who was overjoyed with the amount of attention he was getting. At first in my innocence I didn't quite understand, but the nun patiently explained that the reason she had joined the Convent was so it wouldn't seem as if the child was hers. She'd had to leave him with her Mother for his first few months in the hope that everyone would assume it was hers and come back as an overjoyed sister. 

I couldn't believe it. A nun, a paragon of virtue, had given birth to a child and was going to conceal her true identity from her son. At first I didn't know how to breach the question of fatherhood, but the nun in her wisdom answered my unasked curiosity with clarity. She had fallen in love with a sailor about a year ago and hoped to marry him. However, he set sail after putting empty promises in her heart and had yet to return. The Church had saved her rather than condemning her and her Mother had taken charge of her daughter's frail state by sending her to the Convent and keeping the child.

Hearing the nun's plight made me wonder how my family would react to an illegitimate child, but as her eyes shone with tenacity and love for her child, I felt she gave me strength to cope with the information and trust in my own family. 

So for the next few days I became one half of a wet-nurse, learning how to feed and burp a baby, fixing my sleeping pattern so that the nun could get some time to sleep and even being proud enough to walk the little bairn in a perambulator across the Promenade.

It took a while to adjust, but I was touched that the nun had wanted to confide in me, she needed a friend as well as her Mother to help her through this ordeal. The only other person who knew was the Doctor. I met him by accident while walking the baby along the sea front. He had ambled on up to me and the baby and taken him right out of his perambulator before I could even shout for help. But when I saw the glee on the child's face it seemed the most natural thing in the world.

The Doctor soon introduced himself, giving me wink in the process and calling me by my name rather than 'Your Grace'. It hadn't occurred to me that the nun would keep my title a secret, but it completely made sense.

I have to admit that I was sad to leave the nun and her small family behind. She is returning to a Convent in the North in a few weeks, and I know that leaving her child behind will tear a hole in her heart, so I have promised to visit her again. The Doctor sent some flowers to her home on my last day with a note for me saying 'These reminded me of you, hopefully they'll cheer up your dear friend, the nun too.' I was touched and mildly impressed with his choice of camellias and gardenias, though I do hope he picked them because of their beauty and not their connotations!

As always it was lovely to return to the Shire and Armiger more than made up for his previous disappointment by meeting me as I returned to hear all about my journey to the Coast. Of course there were a few things I had to leave out, but he did tease me a little about the Doctor. 

It was my brother's coming-of-age birthday as soon as I returned, and there was much mischief between him and his rather too boisterous friends, but it was great fun even though he is still feeling a little worse for wear. I on the other hand behaved impeccably and danced the night away without a care in the world.

Mother is still keeping this suitor behind closed doors, which is most infuriating, but I have been kept distracted by my lovely Lords and Ladies of the Shire. It is of no wonder that Mother is tired of my antics for all we do is exude impropriety and laugh joyously at each other's actions. But I am intrigued nonetheless and feel that maybe I should try be on my best behaviour for a little while... But I'm not making any promises!

D. S.

I have only been home for a matter of days but already I have itchy feet and am looking to travel; to go on my own Grande Tour!


I wonder if I have left it too late to ask the Duke to accompany me, but if it weren't for the danger of being a lone woman I wouldn't even want to take my entourage. I want to escape, to rid myself of my title and experience new sights and tastes that I have yet to even imagine. Mother is not as enthralled with this idea as I am... Unsurprisingly.


She has conjured up some eligible man that she procurred from God-knows-where, as only Mother knows how, to make some awkward introductions this weekend. I'm not sure whether I should be grateful or insulted! But I suppose mothers will be mothers and she can't abide having a spinster for a daughter forever! I won't plan on being nonchalant, I will give this poor fellow a chance, but I don't expect him to tickle my fancy, at least not in any comparison to the musician!

I did receive an invitation yesterday that brought a smile to my face, from the dear nun who left me alone at the Convent two weeks ago! She is having a wonderful time on the Coast and wondered whether I would care to join her for a few days. Of course I said yes, I'd be delighted to see her again and I look forward to evenings huddled around the harpsichord singing hymns.


Armiger has kept in touch though I haven't seen him half as much as I would have liked to, but I do hope he keeps to his promise of a Ball tonight! I could so do with some fun, and I'm sure I could single out that seventeen year old and have some fun with him...


There I go again. I even went to Church this morning with Mother to try and atone for some of my sins but I can't seem to help myself! If I'm not hurting anyone, am I really doing anything wrong?


 

D. S.

It seems that I saved all my bad behaviour for this summer!

Every year I make new resolutions that fade into the background as life takes hold but compared to last year, and with my infatuation with the musician, I thought I'd been relatively well-behaved. However, I seem to have over-indulged during these summer months; causing havoc at the Convent, scandalising my (non-existent) reputation, fraternising with the Scottish Earl... Is it dreadful of me to be proud of myself for not pursuing the priest?

I cannot believe that I even had audacity to utter those words, but his blunt judgement of my character has reformed me somewhat, and I still crave his approval. I know that I have left the Convent and I won't see the priest in close proximity any time soon, but even at church I'll feel judgement pass through his eyes. Am I really that awful, that immoral? Actually, that is not a question I want answered.

The Duke's new cousin-in-law, his former betrothed, has yet to grace the Shire with her presence, as is the custom for a new bride. Of course there are a few altercations with the new marriage, but I would hate to be estranged from any of my family due to an improper wedding but the Duke being the Duke has failed to mention the occurrence, let alone his own feelings. Of course I shouldn't expect any less. 

Alas Belle has had her birthday celebrations and I was not in attendance, for which I feel very guilty, but the Convent was very strict about my comings and goings. One of the reasons why it was so easy to slip into the Scottish Earl's arms was because of the close proximity, it would have been harder to stay away...

It is wonderful to be home. Mother has made a fuss and my brother has grown a few more inches... I wonder what the next few weeks will entail.

D. S.

Although I have seen the Duke since I found out about his former-betrothed's recent marriage I haven't plucked up the courage to ask him how he feels.

I know that I would be devasted; I have no qualms with admitting my fear of rejection,but the Duke is always so calm, so regal. He would die rather than admit he was in pain, that he was hurting. Emotions are not at the forefront of his mind whereas I am led by my heart... And by my lust.

No there is nothing new to report back regarding the Scottish Earl, nor even the seventeen year old friend of Armiger who graced my presence not that long ago... I have been behaving as it were, to prove to no one but myself that it CAN be done.

One of the nuns has left me. I never thought I'd get too attached to someone whose sole purpose in life is dedicated to God, but she taught me things I'd never even considered and although she has moved to a new Abbey further North, she is no longer in confinement. Once I have left the Convent at the end of this week I shall make the pilgrimage to see her, for music was our passion and she never judged my mistakes too harshly.

The priest on the other hand seems to have a vendetta against me. He won't speak to me unless he has to, and he barely looks at me when he says the few polite words through his gritted teeth. I know that my behaviour is sometimes less than desirable but I though a priest of all people would be the most forgiving!  I shouldn't really complain, and I know that my Mother would be pleased that his stony silence has reformed me, albeit for a few days. So I suppose I should just acknowledge that his distance is working... But I yearn for his approval and at the same time resent the power he has over me.



D. S.

If it were true that one's ears burned when rumours and gossip were being spread I don't think I'd ever have a moment burn-free.

I shall make no apologies for my brazen behaviour over the last few weeks, nor hint at a twinge of regret, but it seems I have become the victim of salacious slander. I should not be surprised that word got out; Mother has raised her eyebrow at me more than once as I return home bleary eyed after a day at the Convent and the nuns have very little to talk about other than my insubordination. Yet I did think that it was part of a priest's code and conduct to be discreet and keep secrets...

There is nothing more to report other than the infrequency of my liaisons with the Scottish Earl and the surprisingly wonderful time I am having at the Convent. I never thought I'd utter the words, but, I can't wait to have children of my own! I'm nowhere near ready, but I am looking forward to being a Mother, if only I weren't slightly hampered by my lack of a husband.

I think Mother is afraid that I shall join the Church and become a nun. Unbelievable of course, though I suppose it is better that she thinks that rather than knowing the truth about my dalliances! I dread to think how she'd react if she knew even half the things I've done... I'd be locked up until my wedding day!

Speaking of weddings, I heard through the grapevine that the Duke's former-betrothed has secretly married a cousin of his. I daren't ask the Duke if it is true, I should know better than anyone to not listen to vicious rumours, but if it is true he must be hurting at the familial betrayal! 

Oh hypocrisy! How I have missed you!

I wonder if he is relieved, whether he ever thinks of her, if he's grateful or if he even knows. I know any attempt to seek him out to quench my desire for facts would end up with a door slammed in my face but I can't help myself. I shall write to him. No doubt it will not be long before we meet at some Ball or other but I cannot restrain myself from wanting to know the truth, from wanting to make sure that he is all right... I wonder if I should ask the priest for his council.

D. S. 

I don't really know how to admit to the frivolities that occurred last night.

A nun's birthday anniversary passed and I was delighted to find out that the nuns and teachers were intent on having a little celebration! I thought exuberance would be frowned upon, but it seems they all enjoy a tipple as much as any lay-man, or indeed any Duchess!

Armiger joined us at the Convent as it has been far too long since we were in each other's company, both of us enjoying the chance to make up for the time we haven't spent together. The only other presence that gave me a little shock was the appearance of the Scottish Earl, though of course I should have expected him. We were courteous, abismally polite, but as the drinks flowed - I have a new found respect for the Church now - we were laughing and joking while Armiger whispered in my ear to be careful.

I have to admit that I was secretly pleased by the Scottish Earl's attentions. His letters convey none of the enigmatic personality that exudes from his dazzling eyes, though the Scottish Earl somehow still keeps his emotions easily cloaked. Dreadful of me to acknowledge these feelings, especially as the nuns were a little apprehensive about my flamboyant behaviour, but it has been so long since I had the chance to dress up and act extravagantly so I probably did push my luck a little more than I should have... I can't even describe the look on the priest's face!

Nevertheless, after a glass or two of champagne more than I should have, I let the Scottish Earl escort me back to my bedroom and after all his pandering I couldn't resist him any longer and lured him to my boudoir happily letting him have his wicked way with me.

I told him to leave afterwards, I couldn't have the nuns walking in on the two of us in the morning, let alone any of the children! But he called me the perfect woman, the twinkle in his eyes giving no hint of regret and I fell asleep without a care in the world. This morning though I was running rather late, and I had a few questioning glances from the nuns, but I am only in the Convent to teach the children. This isn't a spiritual journey and I believe that hedonism should be embraced... At least every once in a while!



D. S.

I fear it may be said that I am not quite behaving myself...

I have just returned to the Convent as the children walk to their early morning lessons, with the Scottish Earl's private coach for cover. A spontaneous night that resulted in very few hours being slept and soon followed by a two day journey to the North!

My head is pounding but you shall be pleased to hear that though I spent the night with the Scottish Earl nothing untoward occurred... Even though his propositions, which are not something I could repeat here, were numerous!

I spent yesterday in the Capital drenched by rain, unimpressed with the entire trip, but it was the first time for many of the children, so with wonderful hindsight I can look back and laugh. Just about. The only perk of the trip to the Capital was the introduction to our newest priest... It is terrible of me to even think these thoughts, let alone write them down, but he is a beautiful man, there is no other word to describe him. I know it has become a cliché of late but truly, if he stays a man of the cloth it is a waste of a future happy marriage!

He is apparently going to move to the Convent where I am staying and I know it is unbelievably dreadful of me, but the thought of being in close proximity to his perfection fills me with the utmost desire. I wish working at the Convent made me think about God and the Church rather than the priest and what lies beneath his robe...

Speaking of the children, I have grown a fond attachment to a few of them, but in groups they are a nightmare! I was terrified of losing them in the Capital yesterday for they have no discipline whatsoever. We are supposed to instill the fear of God, but I haven't the heart to ruin their happiness after the turmoils they have already lived through.

My parents are on their way to take me up North. This journey is not going to be fun. I have a headache. But tomorrow there is a procession in my honour after living in the North for the last three years and it cannot be missed. I almost wish I could stay more than a single night but duty calls, the Convent calls. So I am off to ready myself after only three hours sleep, the faint stench of alcohol still on my breath, and pray that my parents do not pry into my fatigue, and my headache diminishes!

D. S.

It's amazing how church can make one feel. 

There is the impending guilt of sins past committed, the worry of what people think and what they know, and the awesome power that the priest manages to hold over the entire congregation. I supposed that we are fortunate to have an enigmatic priest; we are literally gripped to the seat by his sermons on debauchery, lust and the disintegration of society as we know it. Because I have my own enclave to hide behind and I am never without some sort of head-dress to disguise my features, I do not have to to withstand what feels like the Inquisition from our priests stare, it really is a look that legends are made of. 

This disguise is a feat I have been using for many years, sending one of my handmaidens in my stead so that I could sneak away with the Duke during the summer months. Yet now that I am an adulterer I fear that going to church is my one saving grace. It is the least of the penitance that I should do, but I dare not speak of the affair down here in my own province. If my name be sullied in the North, so be it, at least my reputation here with my own people is still safe.

I have replied to darling Harlequin's letter/parcel with just a small quip that the affair means nothing to me and I expect nothing from him other than to go back to his wife. It is as it should be. I did no wrong for I am only the other woman, not the adulterer.

(I know this is quite contrary to my own opinion, but I feel that I have to put on a brave face, to no one else can I admit my shame.)

Then I thanked Harlequin for his gifts and told him to expect me back within the week as long as this snow subsides.

My lovely ladies have abandoned me in the Shire to go to their relevant places of general accomplishment. So here I am alone, just waiting, once again, for my life to begin. This is supposed to be a new year, but so far I have not needed any of my resolutions because my life has been so quiet.

I have heard through the grapevine that the Duke has made it back to Scotland, yet no direct word from him that he has arrived. I will be put out if our correspondence diminishes this year because of my letter. It isn't as if it's the worst letter I have ever sent. I don't even dare remind myself of the disastrous love affair with the Baron two summers ago. There was a letter that I will always regret sending, this one is nothing in comparison.

I feel that I am going to have to redecorate my home shortly, I might draw up some designs in the next couple of days. I'm quite inspired by this French Queen Marie Antoinette, she sounds delightful if the rumours are true. But if she is anything like me there is another world behind all the rumours, and a face and smile that live up to the reputation.

I think I'm going to go and play in the snow with my brother. It is barely light enough but I will have the servants hold torches while we play.

D. S.