I do not deny my disappointment in the failed endeavour for I feel his intentions were genuine, but there is another man that my heart yearns for...
Of course the Captain has not been forgotten in betwixt the White Knight's courtship, however the Captain's name is not a lone memory. A previous amour (if not THE previous amour) has tainted my dreams with the echo of his love making, and I cannot help but crave his touch!
It is terrible for me to think such sinful thoughts while at the Convent, but this abstinence is only felt all the more keenly as time continues to elapse! I'm sure Belle is feeling the same way, and she cannot even vent her frustrations through word of mouth because of her vow of silence. I could not give up both at the same time, that is for sure!
I only have two weeks more at the Convent, then I shall no longer have to contend with the judgemental stares of the priest's. I do feel that I have learnt a lot more this year as I have not strayed into the Scottish Earl's arms, nor have I forgotten my feelings for the Captain. I truly miss him... As do I miss the touch of a man!
I have to stop thinking about that; these sordid thoughts are not meant to be written down. If my Mother were to read this she would turn fifty shades of scarlet with embarrassment! But it cannot be a sin to think of what I would do if the Captain, the White Knight or paramour were here... Can it?
D. S.
I think I shall say what I really feel here dear Duchess, and if it does not meet with your approval, you can always please disregard and not publish. But I do plan to be blunt. I hope you don't mind. You teach. You are a teacher. You just *happen* to teach in a Convent, of course associated with the Holy Church. I don't know if it is Church of England or Catholic Church, I assume one of those? I too believe in God, The Son, and The Holy Ghost, but I would not call myself religious. I am more spiritual. I don't think priests are even necessary for us mere mortals to talk to God. We need no middle-men. And for them to behave in this disgustingly judgmental way with you #1 is against God's Holy Word, and #2 makes me want to froth at the mouth, as if they somehow sit up higher on some podium somewhere? Poppycock! You just happen to be a great teacher, who loves her work, and happens to work in a Church. Walk past them with head held high. They have nothing on you baby. ALSO, it is not a sin to crave the touch of a man, the arms of a man, the love of a man, sex with a man: "abstinence is only felt all the more keenly as time continues to elapse!" No truer statement has ever been said. (It has been 10 long years since I've had any of that, and miss it is not the right word; crave wont even work!) God made us, formed us, shaped us, came to earth to live like us, He knows us, all of us, inside and out. That's why he made man: for woman. That's why he made woman: for man. He knows our deepest desires and longings. He built them into us, why would He punish us for feeling them? Everything is quite normal with you sweetheart. I wouldn't fear those old cloisters one bit, and especially not the priests. That's not where God lives. He's in your heart, always with you, always understanding you. I've commited terrible sins in my life and taken Him places He did not want to go, but He never left me, because I belong to him. The Church is a finely constructed piece of architecture; the priests inside, well, relics of an age-old system. They want to keep their jobs. If they can make people feel guilty, *bing* job accomplished. You are not guilty of anything as it regards thoughts, dreams, and longings for a man, a true man, a good man, one who makes fervent passionate love to you every night. Guilt? Naw. That's being human, exactly the way God made us. Heads up. You're a lovely lady, with much to look 4ward to, I feel right around the corner! Love, Ellen - @bayviewgirl
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