I could reflect on the past ten months and what I've learned, but in all honesty I know that there are many more mistakes to be made in the Shire. Hopefully not all of them will include heartbreak, for I fear I may not fall too easily after I know that there is all I need in one man, who will soon be 12,000miles away.
Saying goodbye to the Captain hurts tenfold. Mainly because I know he is not mine, and saying farewell because of the inevitable distance only solidifies the goodbye I had to say when I lost his love. I shall do my best to keep in touch with him, however loosely, because he cannot be forgotten in a hurry. Every sunset since that night reminds me of him, I know my friendship with the Coxswain back up North will remind me of the Captain, and cannot make love to a man without saying the Captain's name!
The brunette and I shed a tear at our au revoir last night. She is to stay in the Antipodes for an indefinite amount of time. I stole a kiss from her tender lips while her courtier looked the other way, and I shall miss her terribly. But I know I shall see her again, so it is only au revoir for now.My family have yet to say goodbye as they are taking me to my final place of departure. We wined and dined last night and truly I shall miss them, and I hope they know how much I appreciate them for letting me stay with them for so long ~ Especially as it wasn't planned!
The brunette's cousin and friend, well they have said their goodbyes in fewer words, and despite my faults I do wish them well, even if forgiveness is too much to ask for.
I have yet to cry for the loss of my Nana ~ No, that is not strictly true. I have mourned her yes, but I haven't let the ache in my chest burst out in a torrent of emotion, yet. I am afraid that travelling home will only bring all these feelings to the surface, saying goodbye for ever is not something I ever hoped to have to do again.
In my head, the Shire is this glorious place, that lives somewhere over a rainbow, where the skies are always blue and the birds are singing merrily. Of course I want to go back, but this perfection is not attainable for me. I do not want to go home and feel inadequate after all that has happened this last year. I don't want to be a porcelain doll, placed on the mantelpiece and forgotten.
Of course I can't wait to see my Ladies and the Brewer, Belle and Gameskeeper, but they'll have moved on with their lives while I've been away and I'm scared that I shall no longer fit in. I love to travel, I love making new friends, but my old friends, the ones that know my deepest, darkest secrets, without them, I am nothing. I just hope they feel the same way on my return!
D. S.
Dear Duchess, after all these posts to Ur blog, I have yet to discover where exactly the Antipodes are! I see U have spent 10 months away from Ur home, The Shire. My my, that is a long time, and what a sweet homecoming it will be! I know U are looking 4ward 2this, but at the same time U've had sevrl bittersweet tender goodbyes 2say. Life is never easy, is it? 2be happy in one place, we must be sad bc we've left another. Ther is never total 100 percent blissful happiness. IMO, I think it only gets harder as we learn more and become more experienced at this thing we call "life". I loved where U sed: "after I know that there is all I need in one man, who will soon be 12,000 miles away". Yes I do know how this feels, and U *know* I do, as I have confided it 2U. The distance is a hurtful thing 2reconcile and 2live with. I do want 2be sure 2mention that I don't think U hav 2worry 4this: "I don't want to be a porcelain doll, placed on the mantelpiece and forgotten". I don't see how that cud ever be possible! U may not know it, but I feel quite certain U'v left a grand impression on each of the individuals U'v met in Ur travels, male and female. U'll not be 4gotten. Often we say and do things that we have no idea will make us memorable in the mind of another, but they do; we just have no idea. Don't doubt it. Ur memory is with many U'v come across. U'v made such an impression on me and in my memory, and all I do is read Ur writings and reply! How much more for one who has met U and spent time with U?! But I know U want 2be solidly on the mind and in the heart of one man, the Captain. Who knows and who can prophecy what the future holds? It is true the old saying: "Distance makes the heart grow fonder". I hav sed this B4, but must say so again: I am an old idealistic romantic. If he loves U and wants U, nothing will be able 2keep him away: not sea, nor land, nor miles, nor storms. He'll make his way 2U, if it is meant 2be. Time will tell. True love always finds a way, and distance cannot stop it. I wish U the best 4U and Ur Captain; and I look 4ward 2hearing what the coming weeks bring. Godspeed in Ur travels, and safety of course too, dear Duchess :o)
ReplyDeleteHi Duchess, just a reminder. If it sez "bookteachie", that is my old name. It is really written by @bayviewgirl - me. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteMy Dearest Duchess,
ReplyDeleteLife is full of trials and tribulations and at some point in life it seems that is all there is, Lord knows you been through them these last 10 months, but remember there is always faith and hope. So hang on to the latter and hope you had a safe trip home to the Shire.
Faithfully Yours,
Misha