To think that a letter can have a similar effect on me as to the days when I used to encounter the Captain, but a letter is all I have of him at the moment.
I don't know if I am patient enough to contend with the distances between us. It took over a fortnight for me to hear from him, anything, while I had ripped open my emotions and bled them onto a page for his disposal. He says he misses me.
I know how that feels.
He tells me to keep out of trouble. (How does he know?!)
The Captain wants to hear about my life, and all I want to do is tell him, to whisper it in his ear and have him laugh at my misdemeanours, chastising my silly behaviour, knowing that he'd never leave me...
But he is 12,000 miles away. And I start at the Convent this weekend.
No frolicking with the past lover (who I have to admit has crossed my mind more than once these last few days).
No provoking or scandalising any priests (even if they deserve it).
No drinking to forget the pain in my heart. It's not a solution, it only prolongs the agony because I'm subdued.
I shall learn, teach and pray for the future.
I look forward to seeing the nun again. I wonder how much her little boy has grown!? I worry about my love for the Captain but there are greater miseries and mysteries in the world.
If my love for him diminishes then he will always be a pleasant memory to warm cold and lonely nights.
If, however, our love prevails, then it will be all the sweeter for the time and distance between us.
Or so I keep telling myself.
D. S.
Dear Duchess, Oh do, do, do "keep telling yourself". There is a hardy chance the Captain will tire TOO of the terrible 12,000 miles that separate and rob precious moments that cud be spent 2gether, between U2. U really don't know if he feels the "misery" too. He did however tell U he "missed you". A very good sign. If the misery, the missing, the void, the distance, become 2much 2bear, he will take action, if he a gentleman be. And I think he is. The cards are squarely in front of him, and its his move. It *should be* his move, not Urs. Love will call on him 2travel that awful distance, if he truly cares, if he truly wants U, if he truly loves U. So pls do not give up just yet Duchess. Do promptly write him back! I loved Ur SOooo descriptive heart-wrenching vivid writing here: "while I had ripped open my emotions and bled them onto a page for his disposal. He says he misses me". Isn't that so like *love*? A strange mixture of filling our heart with love we never knew we possessed, then tearing it asunder yet again, or somewhere in between, at any and all, and at most, times. Love does mean we have to *feel*. And that *feeling* of love provokes and scares the damn hell out of some. (My gentleman friend is not interested in #1 seeing me, #2 speaking 2me by phone, and #3 of feeling any twinge of 2much want or desire. He's quite suited 2his life the way it is now, he said so, he's happy, sees no foreseeable change, and certainly not any room 4me; only his happy solitary life and his work; and so I have done the polar-opposite from U dear Duchess. I bid him adieu, ciao, adios, goodbye, and I shud have done it sooner. Betrayal and deception I think hurt worse than the misery of missing someone. More than anything I'm angry, very angry, and feel used, feelng not worthy of his British pride and stature, and the way of life he's built 4himself, all alone. Sad really. He's happy and doesn't need or want me. An awful place 2find oneself.) Anyway, not 2damper the moment, I think U are on the right track: keep Urself busy, teaching and working at the Convent, checking on the Priests that they behave themselves, visiting with Ur lovely friend who is a nun, loving Ur family closeby, and in due-course, U shall see. It will be one nice thing or the uncomfortable other. I got the latter haha, or chose to leave on my own, better-said. I am hoping and dreaming that U get the former, dreaming it with all my heart 4U. Now is the waiting game, a most difficult one 2play, 2play well; but at times, play it we must. Darling, U are in the thick of it. Best wishes and loving patience I wish 4U xo xo - Ellen @bayviewgirl
ReplyDeleteMy most wonderful Ellen,
DeleteYou are too wonderful. This is night on the third time I have read this comment and I can't but agree with its entirety! The waiting game is nothing that I wanted for myself, but I have always been rather candid with my love affairs, this one, however, means so much more to me and I cannot let distance overcome my emotions!!
I shall be strong, but though you may think it is his move (it is) I cannot expect the nineteen year old Captain to leave his entire world behind for me, especially when our future is not in the Shire.
I shall move back to the Antipodes for him quite happily, but that does mean a prolonged waiting game. Knowing that we are in your dreams and thoughts darling, it truly helps.
Your one and only,
Duchess of the Shire
Dear Duchess, I hope my long comment took. I rely don't know if it worked or not this time. - Ellen @bayviewgirl xo xo
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