Wednesday, April 17, 2013

I've been home for nearly two weeks from the blissful reverie that was Rome and I believe  I am still most rested and content. For the first time in months I feel I can handle what the future holds, even though there is still a lot of uncertainty as to what direction that may be.

All I know is that I have to cope with the heartache of having the blonde Esquire leave me for the army, to be a soldier, to go wherever he is told. To think that this whole relationship started as a farce, as a joke, and now I wait for the moment that he leaves me, as I left the Captain, with the promise of return... To never forsake what it is we have.

I loved the Captain with an innocent, naive charm; he was a comfort, a tease and so unobtainable I could barely think straight when I saw him. The blonde Esquire is altogether a completely different love. It was unexpected and has been built on a friendship based on trust, despite the tryst he proclaimed to me all those months ago

The love I feel for the blonde Esquire is something I completely marvel at because I have no idea where it came from as it was not the desired result. We were to end, that was our purpose. Yet now I can think of nothing more terrifying than to have the blonde Esquire leave me, which is exactly what is to happen.

I do not have a choice in the matter. My choice lies with what to do while the blonde Esquire becomes the hero that I know he can be.

Shall I stay with him, learn to cope with the distance and wait for his fleeting return?

Could I really bring myself to leave him when all he is doing is pursuing a soldier's life, making the world a better place?

D. S.