Wednesday, January 26, 2011

So the Duke has responded to my letter. I have not the strength to post it all here, but I will fill you in with the gist of it.

Apparently his birthday festivities have been cancelled. He is leaving for the Continent in a few weeks to partake in a Grande Tour of Europe. He does not know his purpose or how long he will be abroad for, he only knows that he wants to escape the trivialities that come with his post. The pressure of marriage, of propriety, of social conventions that date back to the Dark Ages.

He asked me to leave with him.

I'd be forsaking my family name, ruining any connections that I have made for my family here in the North, abandoning the burgeoning relationships that may or may not be. If I left with the Duke I would see the world, spending my days with the one lover that I never forgot, the one man who has always been completely honest with me, never expecting anything from me. Until now.

How on earth can he ask me to give up my entire life for him? I thought that this was what I always wanted but it seems not. Is it the commitment that I am afraid of? My reputation has suffered brutally when I have given into my body's longings, but I have survived, just about. Yet to leave with the Duke would destroy any possibilities of salvaging what I have left, and destroy his own reputation in the process. Would it be worth it?

There is something else that is making me hesitant about my decision. The musician. Can I just pack all my belongings and leave him? I'm far too optimistic about what is going on between us (so far nothing) but I do enjoy spending time with him and the other musicians. I snuck out the other night and heard the musician and some of the others playing and singing in a tavern. I couldn't help myself even though I know it was silly of me, but we ended up having a lovely time and the musician was almost friendly to me!

It is difficult for me to do justice to the platonic relationship that I have with the musician, I don't know what I want from him or him from me. Yet I am happiest when spending time with him and his friends. Can these friendships mean so much to me that I give up on any chance of a relationship with the Duke, even though I know that wanting the musician is futile? Or do I risk it, leaving my beloved Shire and the North that I have grown to accustomed to behind, on a whim of the Duke's?


D. S.