Monday, January 31, 2011

I'm hoping that you are not expecting a decision to have been made regarding the Duke. I have weighed up both the reasons for and against this Grande Tour and am unable to think objectively. It's the Duke! How can I not want to travel the Continent with him? How would I be able to cope here in the North knowing that the Duke was journeying through countries I can barely imagine? Even more so, how could I bear to live in the Shire, my home, with all the memories that I have of the Duke, not knowing when he would return, if at all?

Then again, I am still so angry at the situation that he has put me in! How dare he?! Years I have waited for a tiny semblance of his love for me, and even now I doubt that it is love spurring him on. It is not how I expected; a proposal to deny my family name and not be formally united with his own? He knows my disdain for convention but I cannot lie to myself when it is my heart at stake. 

I can't understand why I'm stalling and refusing to be honest and upfront with the Duke. Why can I not mention the word 'marriage' without blushing and feeling like a child? Of course he needs to escape from his ruined engagement and I am proud of him for taking charge but it's his life he's running away from. I love my life, I don't want to run away.

Is it wrong that I keep making excuses to not go with him? If I wanted to go with him I would, wouldn't I? Impulsive decisions are my forte but I can't ever give myself a straight answer, and for a change I don't want to do anything rash! How I wish Harlequin and the Court Jester were around to placate me and help me with this arduous task! I miss them both bitterly and darling Lady Lina is being a saint helping out at orphanages and work houses, so I feel that my problems are rather trivial in comparison! I know I could write to the Baroness or Marquessa but I can't let them know for fear of my Mother finding out! 

It's true that all of my non-decision making has leant heavily on my feelings for the Duke and I don't think that the musician should be a factor at all but I cannot help but long to see him and it pains me when I am not with him and his friends. I care about them so deeply and yet I can't ask for their help either. The musician would beg indifference and that would hurt and no doubt cause me to leave and I don't want to.


I said it.

I don't want to leave.


D. S.