It seems that I saved all my bad behaviour for this summer!

Every year I make new resolutions that fade into the background as life takes hold but compared to last year, and with my infatuation with the musician, I thought I'd been relatively well-behaved. However, I seem to have over-indulged during these summer months; causing havoc at the Convent, scandalising my (non-existent) reputation, fraternising with the Scottish Earl... Is it dreadful of me to be proud of myself for not pursuing the priest?

I cannot believe that I even had audacity to utter those words, but his blunt judgement of my character has reformed me somewhat, and I still crave his approval. I know that I have left the Convent and I won't see the priest in close proximity any time soon, but even at church I'll feel judgement pass through his eyes. Am I really that awful, that immoral? Actually, that is not a question I want answered.

The Duke's new cousin-in-law, his former betrothed, has yet to grace the Shire with her presence, as is the custom for a new bride. Of course there are a few altercations with the new marriage, but I would hate to be estranged from any of my family due to an improper wedding but the Duke being the Duke has failed to mention the occurrence, let alone his own feelings. Of course I shouldn't expect any less. 

Alas Belle has had her birthday celebrations and I was not in attendance, for which I feel very guilty, but the Convent was very strict about my comings and goings. One of the reasons why it was so easy to slip into the Scottish Earl's arms was because of the close proximity, it would have been harder to stay away...

It is wonderful to be home. Mother has made a fuss and my brother has grown a few more inches... I wonder what the next few weeks will entail.

D. S.

Although I have seen the Duke since I found out about his former-betrothed's recent marriage I haven't plucked up the courage to ask him how he feels.

I know that I would be devasted; I have no qualms with admitting my fear of rejection,but the Duke is always so calm, so regal. He would die rather than admit he was in pain, that he was hurting. Emotions are not at the forefront of his mind whereas I am led by my heart... And by my lust.

No there is nothing new to report back regarding the Scottish Earl, nor even the seventeen year old friend of Armiger who graced my presence not that long ago... I have been behaving as it were, to prove to no one but myself that it CAN be done.

One of the nuns has left me. I never thought I'd get too attached to someone whose sole purpose in life is dedicated to God, but she taught me things I'd never even considered and although she has moved to a new Abbey further North, she is no longer in confinement. Once I have left the Convent at the end of this week I shall make the pilgrimage to see her, for music was our passion and she never judged my mistakes too harshly.

The priest on the other hand seems to have a vendetta against me. He won't speak to me unless he has to, and he barely looks at me when he says the few polite words through his gritted teeth. I know that my behaviour is sometimes less than desirable but I though a priest of all people would be the most forgiving!  I shouldn't really complain, and I know that my Mother would be pleased that his stony silence has reformed me, albeit for a few days. So I suppose I should just acknowledge that his distance is working... But I yearn for his approval and at the same time resent the power he has over me.



D. S.

If it were true that one's ears burned when rumours and gossip were being spread I don't think I'd ever have a moment burn-free.

I shall make no apologies for my brazen behaviour over the last few weeks, nor hint at a twinge of regret, but it seems I have become the victim of salacious slander. I should not be surprised that word got out; Mother has raised her eyebrow at me more than once as I return home bleary eyed after a day at the Convent and the nuns have very little to talk about other than my insubordination. Yet I did think that it was part of a priest's code and conduct to be discreet and keep secrets...

There is nothing more to report other than the infrequency of my liaisons with the Scottish Earl and the surprisingly wonderful time I am having at the Convent. I never thought I'd utter the words, but, I can't wait to have children of my own! I'm nowhere near ready, but I am looking forward to being a Mother, if only I weren't slightly hampered by my lack of a husband.

I think Mother is afraid that I shall join the Church and become a nun. Unbelievable of course, though I suppose it is better that she thinks that rather than knowing the truth about my dalliances! I dread to think how she'd react if she knew even half the things I've done... I'd be locked up until my wedding day!

Speaking of weddings, I heard through the grapevine that the Duke's former-betrothed has secretly married a cousin of his. I daren't ask the Duke if it is true, I should know better than anyone to not listen to vicious rumours, but if it is true he must be hurting at the familial betrayal! 

Oh hypocrisy! How I have missed you!

I wonder if he is relieved, whether he ever thinks of her, if he's grateful or if he even knows. I know any attempt to seek him out to quench my desire for facts would end up with a door slammed in my face but I can't help myself. I shall write to him. No doubt it will not be long before we meet at some Ball or other but I cannot restrain myself from wanting to know the truth, from wanting to make sure that he is all right... I wonder if I should ask the priest for his council.

D. S. 

Even after a full night's sleep my eyes are still red with fatigue.

Never before have I been able to appreciate the hard work put in by nuns, governesses and teachers for the children in their care. I don't think it is something that is suited to me for the long term, and highly inappropriate for a Duchess but as I've said before I'm enjoying my time here at the Convent far more than I thought possible.

A few nights ago I had the chance to reconvene with my Ladies of the Shire and Armiger. As much as I love and appreciate all those who work with me at the Convent, nothing truly makes me happier than spending time with my nearest and dearest friends. The time we spend together is made ever more precious as currently our lives are so terribly busy. Each of us pursuing endeavours to make our futures more fortuitous.

We discussed many things from the scandalous to the mundane and everything inbetween, though a return to the Continent made all of our tongues wag most excitedly, and I do hope that we manage to visit Iberia together in the next coming weeks.

I have heard very little from the Duke since I have returned to the Shire. I know nothing except that his Grande Tour was a success, but that I never even began to doubt.

Every now and again my heart pangs slightly for the North. I miss the slightly-less-than-exemplary beahviour that was no more acceptable, but was forgotten instantly with the latest fashions and even more sordid scandals. I miss Belle. Her birthday is nigh and it saddens me to think I shall not be with her to celebrate. I miss the Coxswain, the Brewer, the Court Jester. I miss them all and cannot peer into the future far enough to establish when I will be able to see them next.

I should be used to it by now, but every Summer in the Shire I pine for the Northern counties, and this year it is no exception.

D. S.

Sometimes I wish I listened to my friends' advice, or at least accepted that hedonism is NOT the way forward...

I once again caved into the Scottish Earl's arms as he whispered sweet nothings into my ear. There is no fear of my heart getting broken for I do not care about him in that way, but rather I am beginning to despise my weakness of the flesh. I know that this is rather a contradiction to my love of hedonism in my previous post, but after being chastised by the priest after getting caught leaving the Scottish Earl's bedchamber, I am feeling a guilt that had long been forgotten.

There is no wonder that guilt has finally crept in, a Convent will do that to you. But it was the look of disappointment in the Priest's eyes, which made me wish the ground would swallow me up. I have been keeping my nose clean for the last few days, I do not want to give further cause for the nuns and Priest to have me removed, for though it is hard work and I have limited time for frivolities (of course I do find the time) I enjoy spending time with the children and watching their amazement of the every day.

I get to see Armiger tomorrow after many days apart and even my Ladies of the Shire. I can't claim to not appreciate the day of freedom, but I would love the opportunity to make it up to the Priest. I thoroughly dislike being reprimanded, even less so by someone whose eyes make my knees go weak.

D. S.