Thursday, August 11, 2011

Although I have seen the Duke since I found out about his former-betrothed's recent marriage I haven't plucked up the courage to ask him how he feels.

I know that I would be devasted; I have no qualms with admitting my fear of rejection,but the Duke is always so calm, so regal. He would die rather than admit he was in pain, that he was hurting. Emotions are not at the forefront of his mind whereas I am led by my heart... And by my lust.

No there is nothing new to report back regarding the Scottish Earl, nor even the seventeen year old friend of Armiger who graced my presence not that long ago... I have been behaving as it were, to prove to no one but myself that it CAN be done.

One of the nuns has left me. I never thought I'd get too attached to someone whose sole purpose in life is dedicated to God, but she taught me things I'd never even considered and although she has moved to a new Abbey further North, she is no longer in confinement. Once I have left the Convent at the end of this week I shall make the pilgrimage to see her, for music was our passion and she never judged my mistakes too harshly.

The priest on the other hand seems to have a vendetta against me. He won't speak to me unless he has to, and he barely looks at me when he says the few polite words through his gritted teeth. I know that my behaviour is sometimes less than desirable but I though a priest of all people would be the most forgiving!  I shouldn't really complain, and I know that my Mother would be pleased that his stony silence has reformed me, albeit for a few days. So I suppose I should just acknowledge that his distance is working... But I yearn for his approval and at the same time resent the power he has over me.

D. S.