Monday, January 04, 2010

Oh no. I cannot believe what I have done!? The things that get done in the heat of the moment, why can these never be retracted?

I have sent a letter to the Duke. I had it sent, without thinking, post haste to Scotland. I believed soon after that I would have a chance to explain before he left only to discover
that he is already there! It will have now been at least a week since we have seen or even spoken to each other and he will find this letter most confusing. Oh I sometimes cannot even believe myself.

Look at me. Here I am trying to explain myself in writing to a man of little words. I know that I am not going to see him again for a very long time and I thought that would be best, but now I know that I am going to be tormented over the next few months not knowing what it is he is thinking, for I am sure he will not reply.

Then I go even further to try and explain how I felt before I saw him again. How can I say I missed him, I did not think of him, not until I saw him and realised that he was happy and
with someone else! Is it so wrong of me to try and ruin a relationship between two obviously good and kind people?

I guess I needn't really answer that.

I then prat
tle on to him about my jealousy. How on earth could I act so naive? This is not a man to declare your feelings to, this is someone with whom indifference has the greatest charm. And what have I done? I have thrown my emotions to the wind and left him in charge of what to do next. Oh I am a fool.
Dare I say it gets worse what with my honesty about the Officer? How I let my hand scrawl away with this sort of atrocity I will never understand. But at least I have a copy so that if I should get a reply I can compare the tone, or indeed keep it as a warning against one of my temper tantrums.

I feel that my only saving grace in this
entire matter is that I did not end up proclaiming my love for him. Just that I missed his friendship and was sadly jealous of someone I'd never met. I guess it sounds more pathetic than passionate, but I do not care for conventions which keep my emotions under wraps.

I guess there is nothing more I can do but wait. Which is the reason why I wrote this infernal letter in the first place! Oh really I am far too tired to think about this any more. Tomorrow I will seek advice from a Lady who is less inclined to act on an angry whim.

D. S.