Another week has blurred past, though there are a few aspects that stand out... 


I visited Armiger in the City of Dreaming Spires and met some of his delightful friends. It was brilliant to catch up with him, it had been far too long and of course he was curious about my time in the Antipodes. I didn't even know where to begin, but it seemed that all I could talk about was the Captain. Indeed, a friend of Armiger's seemed most intrigued about the love-affair; asking poignant questions and giving me a few words of advice.


She was most adamant that I should heed the Captain's words and go back to the Antipodes if I could see a future with him. I do see a future with him, but who am I to choose how his life should pan out? He is too young to be making life-changing decisions, and that sort of commitment shouldn't be pressured by the distance we would still have to endure.


There is nothing I want more than to return to the country where I left my heart, for it truly felt more like home than this country. I do not begrudge the time I have spent in the Shire; this place has molded me into the person I am, but the Antipodes brought out the best in me... (And momentarily, the worst). But it was the Captain that made me see who it was that I wanted, and still want, to be.


Travelling seems to take up most of my time, for I journeyed to the Northern counties in the hope of seeing some close friends. I was pleasantly surprised to see that Rosinda was still accounted for and even more overwhelmed when the Duchess of Tuthershire made an appearance! We laughed and danced and compared notes about our travels, for she has just returned from a Grande Tour around the Eastern continents! I am most impressed with her stories, and relieved that nothing untoward happened while she did some soul searching.

She asked more about the Scottish laird than the Captain, for I think she is less than enamored with someone who could have put me through so much pain, but alas, there is very little to report so far. The Scottish laird has been rather quiet of late, and though I know he has a lot to attend to, I dislike feeling so neglected. I think all this talk of travel has made me somewhat nostalgic. I miss being in another country, I miss the brunette and our obsession with the beaches, I miss the off-chance of bumping into the Captain...


I do love being home, I love seeing everybody and I have never felt more loved by my friends. But this philial love is not enough. I want to be consumed by passion, I want to feel whole again.


But how can I when he is twelve thousand miles away?





D. S.

Who'd have thought the Captain would be the first to break?

I know I left him a note in the Antipodes with the brunette with one final goodbye and, I hope, the last of apologies, but I am barely home for three days and already I have heard from him! It was a fleeting comment, an apology of his own and the words I have longed to hear; I miss you, I have missed you for a long time.

My heart leapt at the thought of him, but more of what could have been, and a glimpse of what could be... I am in a turmoil as when to return to the Antipodes. I know I want to, but I can't seem to decide when! And, rightly so, Mother and Father are less than impressed with my talk of leaving when I have only just returned home! But the thought of returning and landing safely in the Captain's arms? Honestly I can't think of anywhere in the world I'd rather be.

Friday night is already a wee bit of a blur, though I know I was surrounded by my ladies of the Shire. The Baroness and Marquessa too joined me in my welcome back soirée, and I revelled in the attention and I cannot thank my friends enough for the love they give to me. How I have coped so long without them, I truly have no idea.

There was a slight blip on the evening's rather tranquil, hazy atmosphere. I spied a familiar looking coat in the crowds of people, the Marquessa did her utmost to shield me from my past lover, but there he was; the Duke. Tall, dark, handsome, regal and no longer enraptured with me it seems... How many years has it been? I daren't even consider him in my current affairs, but we shared a look; he seemed curious to know that I had returned, and though his engagement had been called off last we'd spoken, I saw her, his fiancé by his side, as if nothing had changed.

I'm glad they are happy, but I have moved on. I couldn't be happier, especially knowing that the Captain has me in his heart. 

Though I wonder for how long that will last?



D. S.

Home sweet home. 


I don't know what I was worrying about; the Shire is everything I remember, everything I have forgotten and so much more! Seeing my ladies, knowing that nothing has changed as we laughed, reminisced and talked about the latest scandals was pure bliss after my harrowing journey home. 


I'd half hoped that the Captain would make an unexpected appearance as I left the Antipodes, but it seems fate has decided we are to be star-crossed lovers, unable to be together, or even say goodbye, because of a few thousand miles. I'd left a note with the brunette to give to the Captain, another apology though I'm sure he has had enough of those, but I couldn't leave with nothing to say.


Three days of travelling in solitude gives one a unique perspective on life. I met so many people on my journey, each of whom had an incredible story to tell. I was enraptured with princes and paupers, of travellers and fishwives. I know I have made mistakes, I am only human. I don't hate the person I am today, in this moment, so how can I say I have regrets?

The nun reminded me that I have always said live life with no regrets. My mistakes have made me who I am, and I am happy with myself, even if not with all of my decisions. I love the phrase a passing Frenchman whispered in my ear, 'que sera, sera'. It's so true, the world isn't going to stop turning because my heart is breaking. 


I love the Captain, I love the time we had together, I love all the memories I have of him. But now I'm twelve thousand miles away. Now I love my friends, my family, my Shire, my home. If he was here as a part of my life I'd love him all the more, but he's not. I'm not going to forget him. He'll always have a place in my heart; but as a memory that I unwrap on cold and lonely nights to remind me of what once was.


I get to spend the day with my dear ladies and catch up on all the gossip of the Duke, the Brewer, Armiger and the Court Jester... I love nothing more than to be with my friends, they do not judge, they do not hold grudges, they only love that I am home.





D. S.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

This is it; my final Antipodean musing, and as I write curled up in my bed, alone, with a few hours before I depart, I'm trying my best to look forward to my homecoming.


I could reflect on the past ten months and what I've learned, but in all honesty I know that there are many more mistakes to be made in the Shire. Hopefully not all of them will include heartbreak, for I fear I may not fall too easily after I know that there is all I need in one man, who will soon be 12,000miles away.


Saying goodbye to the Captain hurts tenfold. Mainly because I know he is not mine, and saying farewell because of the inevitable distance only solidifies the goodbye I had to say when I lost his love. I shall do my best to keep in touch with him, however loosely, because he cannot be forgotten in a hurry. Every sunset since that night reminds me of him, I know my friendship with the Coxswain back up North will remind me of the Captain, and cannot make love to a man without saying the Captain's name!


The brunette and I shed a tear at our au revoir last night. She is to stay in the Antipodes for an indefinite amount of time. I stole a kiss from her tender lips while her courtier looked the other way, and I shall miss her terribly. But I know I shall see her again, so it is only au revoir for now.


My family have yet to say goodbye as they are taking me to my final place of departure. We wined and dined last night and truly I shall miss them, and I hope they know how much I appreciate them for letting me stay with them for so long ~ Especially as it wasn't planned!


The brunette's cousin and friend, well they have said their goodbyes in fewer words, and despite my faults I do wish them well, even if forgiveness is too much to ask for.


I have yet to cry for the loss of my Nana ~ No, that is not strictly true. I have mourned her yes, but I haven't let the ache in my chest burst out in a torrent of emotion, yet. I am afraid that travelling home will only bring all these feelings to the surface, saying goodbye for ever is not something I ever hoped to have to do again.


In my head, the Shire is this glorious place, that lives somewhere over a rainbow, where the skies are always blue and the birds are singing merrily. Of course I want to go back, but this perfection is not attainable for me. I do not want to go home and feel inadequate after all that has happened this last year. I don't want to be a porcelain doll, placed on the mantelpiece and forgotten. 

Of course I can't wait to see my Ladies and the Brewer, Belle and Gameskeeper, but they'll have moved on with their lives while I've been away and I'm scared that I shall no longer fit in. I love to travel, I love making new friends, but my old friends, the ones that know my deepest, darkest secrets, without them, I am nothing. I just hope they feel the same way on my return!





D. S.